This Is Not My Life

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Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Breadbox Edition
Private Moon
evadne_noel
This is the sixth time I've tried to put this story up. I hate lots of things (though not EVERYTHING). I think the Powers that Be do not particularly like this story. I can hardly blame them, as I this is not my favorite either. I sound so bitter. And I'm really not. Cynical and sarcastic, yes, but not bitter. Anyway, here's the last HP BBE in my set. At least I'll have the accomplishment of finally putting them all up under my belt.

(Author’s Note: Please note that Harry Potter is not mine, but the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers and all related affiliates. I only do this because I’m a fan with too much spare time. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I have no spare time, but I do it anyway. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who does not heed this warning is responsible for their own indignation. As always, my thanks to the Editing Room for the inspiration. Special thanks to the Marty, for seeing this with me, and for suggestions.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN: BREADBOX EDITION


FADE IN:
EXT. SAME PLACE ALL THESE MOVIES START

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON
I hope everyone here has read the book. Otherwise, you’re
probably going to get a little confused.


HARRY POTTER inflates AUNT MARGE. In the BOOK, this was an opportunity to develop his CHARACTER.

HARRY
Sadly, we don’t have time for that. We just need
to get on to the next plot point.

AUDIENCE
We have, however, learned that Harry has a slight owl obsession.
Seriously, buy posters of girls, or sport teams, or something.

MR. DURSLEY
You’re going to get in so much trouble! You’re not
allowed to do magic out of school.

HARRY
How would you know that? The Ministry didn’t do anything
last time magic was performed in this house anyway.


HARRY runs away.

BIG BLACK DOG
Yeah, I’m not evil. I actually just want to see Harry.
But you’d think I’d realize that I look pretty frightening.


SURPRISED by DOG, HARRY accidentally summons the KNIGHT BUS. However, he does not seem SURPRISED to see it.

SHRIVELED HEAD
I’m comedy!

DIRECTOR CUARON
I want to be Tim Burton.


HARRY gets picked up in DIAGON ALLEY by NOSFERATU.

NOSFERATU
Die, Harker!

HARRY
Uh, Harry.

NOSFERATU
Sorry, wrong story.


HARRY meets CORNELIUS FUDGE who HARRY is also NOT SURPRISED to see.

HARRY
Hey, I read the book.

FUDGE
I decided clashing pinstripes were so last year.

HARRY
So, am I in trouble?

FUDGE
Oh no. Why would you be? You’re famous, we’ve never enforced
the rule before, and we’re pretty ineffectual over at the Ministry anyway.
Well, you’re off to school tomorrow!

HARRY
Tomorrow? But how will I…?

FUDGE
Don’t worry. Your books are over there, your owl is over here,
and your little friends will be showing up shortly.


The BEGINNING of the BOOK zooms past the AUDIENCE so fast, their HEADS SPIN.

INT. LEAKY CAULDRON

HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, Harry. We’re here, as promised. Pay attention to the
quick mention of Crookshanks.

RON WEASLEY
Look, Harry. The newspaper covered my family’s trip
to Egypt. Don’t ask why.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We’ve caught a severe case of British Guy Hair!

MR. WEASLEY
Harry, I thought you should know Sirius Black is looking for you.

HARRY
The guy on all the posters?

SIRIUS BLACK POSTER
I’M NOT OVERACTING!


INT. HOGWART’S EXPRESS

Everything’s FINE for a while, but then…

DEMENTOR
Shire…Baggins…

HARRY
Argh! Flashbacks…making me…pass out!

REMUS LUPIN
Mighty Moustache Attack!


DEMENTOR flees in TERROR of the MOUSTACHE.

CUE: STUPID PASS OUT WIPE

HARRY
I passed out? Oh man, I sense major emotional
turmoil in my future.

LUPIN
Hello, Harry. I’m going to help you through that turmoil.

DIRECTOR CUARON
Now, what can I do to make this movie more artsy? I know!
I’ll film reflections! That’ll confuse people!


INT. GREAT HALL

The HOGWARTS JAZZ CHOIR performs for the FIRST TIME EVER.

HARRY
Hagrid’s a professor now. And one of the four people
the Audience will be able to identify at the Head Table.

AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has some serious professor turnover.

DRACO MALFOY
My hair is no longer aerodynamic, but I’m still a jerk.


PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE provides some HALF-BAKED MORALS.

INT. CLASSES

PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY
I used to be a Shakespearean actor.

REST OF ADULT CAST
Join the club.


POOF! HERMIONE appears.

HERMIONE
Nothing, nothing.

RON
Am I the only one who sees this?

TRELAWNEY
Harry is in deep, terrible, kinda vague trouble.

HARRY
Oh, like it takes a seer to figure that out. When am I not?


EXT. THE HILL DOWN TO…HAGRID’S HUT?

AUDIENCE
Was that always there?


HARRY, RON and HERMIONE talk about something that is PROBABLY IMPORTANT, but the AUDIENCE doesn’t care because…

AUDIENCE
Bunny!

HAGRID
As this is my first class, I feel the need to put Harry in
an awkward position. Say hello to Buckbeak.

BUCKBEAK
Hey. I’m pretty cool looking, no?

HARRY
You’re probably the best CGI I’ve ever ridden.

FIRENZE
Hey!


HARRY, being the HERO, easily tames BUCKBEAK. He gets a nice ride, showing off the BEAUTIFUL SCENERY.

AUDIENCE
*tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke*


MALFOY, not being the hero, immediately does SOMETHING STUPID.

BUCKBEAK
Idiot child.

MALFOY
Oww!

AUDIENCE
When did Malfoy become such a wuss?

MALFOY
Die, birdy-thing!

HARRY
Oh, that’s no good.


INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM

LUPIN
Guess what? You all get to face your fears!

CLASS
*not so thrilled*

LUPIN
But you get to make them funny!

CLASS
*still not so thrilled*

LUPIN
I know what will lighten your mood…swing music!

AUDIENCE
Hipster.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m afraid of Snape.


SNAPE in a DRESS!

AUDIENCE
Movie = made.

FAKE SNAPE
This hat with that bag?


OTHERS make fear funny. PARVATI manages to make her fear induced snake EVEN SCARIER.

HARRY
Now what am I afraid of…

DEMENTOR
Hey.

VOLDEMORT
…the hell? Kid, I killed your parents! Fear me! I’m scary! Grrrr…

LUPIN
None of that. Let’s let the Audience get a good
look at what I fear.


EXT. A…BRIDGE?

AUDIENCE
Did Dumbledore decide to make some additions over the summer?
A bridge, move the Whomping Willow, maybe a nice porch?

LUPIN
Harry, you are afraid of fear itself.

HARRY
Thank you, FDR.

LUPIN
Harry, you’re so like your father. And your mother.
She was so nice to me. Such a good, beautiful woman.

AUDIENCE
Um…is this a Lupin/Lily moment? ‘Cause I don’t know
how to feel about that.


INT. HOGWARTS

THE FAT LADY
Sirius Black!

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, yes. That’s the main plot.


INT. GREAT HALL SLUMBER PARTY!

DUMBLEDORE
We’re only feet away from Harry. Let’s talk about him.

SNAPE
Yes, there’s no possible way he could be awake.

DUMBLEDORE
Let’s not worry Harry. Instead, let me say vague,
ridiculous things that sound deep until you think about
them. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars.

AUDIENCE
Hear that noise? That’s the script sucking even more
life out of Dumbledore.

SNAPE
I’m sorry, are you still talking to me?


INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM

SNAPE
I’m teaching today, and you all know what that means…

HARRY
Pain?

RON
Suffering?

SNAPE
…SLIDE SHOW!

AUDIENCE
The amazing, magical, not at all Muggle…slide projector!

SNAPE
I’m skipping ahead in your lessons to werewolves.
I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. This is not
part of the plot.

AUDIENCE
Everything is part of the plot. There’s no time for
extraneous material. This isn’t Prisoner of Azkaban
inasmuch as it is “Best of: Prisoner of Azkaban.”


HERMIONE appears out of nowhere again.

AUDIENCE (cont.)
See! We just have plot all over the place!


MALFOY sends HARRY a little flying note.

HARRY
*reading*
“Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’”.


EXT. QUDDITCH

AUDIENCE is amazed WIZARDS have lasted as long as they have considering they don’t call their FLYING SPORT EVENTS even on account of LIGHTNING.

HARRY
I have flying goggles! Great idea! I wonder
why no one has thought of this before!


HARRY chases the SNITCH with someone who is PRESUMABLY CEDRIC DIGGORY.

PRESUMABLY CEDRIC
Oh no! No one says my name and I get struck by lightning!

AUDIENCE
At least Cho got cut.


DEMENTORS attack. HARRY passes out, cueing another STUPID WIPE.

INT. HOSPITAL WING

HARRY
What happened?

HERMIONE
Presumably Cedric presumably caught the snitch. Though
I can’t say his name, so I can’t come right out and tell you this.

RON
Also, your broom broke.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
And everyone saw you fall because of the dementors.


THINGS SUCK for HARRY.

EXT. WOODS

HARRY
Lupin, things suck for me.

LUPIN
Why do you keep following me around?

HARRY
What can I do about it?

LUPIN
If you promise to leave me alone for a few scenes,
I’ll help you later.


HARRY and LUPIN find what they were looking for, which was apparently HEDWIG.

HEDWIG
Can’t I lose this boy for ten minutes? I was supposed to meet
Crookshanks for a meeting of the Diminished Animal Characters Guild.
I’ll just fly into the next season to be rid of him.


HEDWIG flies into the NEXT SCENE only to find HARRY waiting for her.

HEDWIG(cont.)
ARGH!


EXT. CLOCKTOWER – WINTER

HARRY
…the hell did this giant clock come from?

DIRECTOR CUARON
Isn’t it cool?


IT IS, until the PENDULUM WHACKS some UNSUSPECTING STUDENT.

HARRY
I’m bored and lonely. I think I’ll try and sneak
into Hogsmeade.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Oh, no you don’t. We haven’t given you a key
element of the plot yet.

GEORGE AND/OR FRED
Here is the Marauders’ Map.

HARRY
Who are the Marauders?

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question! Just use it to sneak into
Hogsmeade. Its real significance will be apparent later.


INT. HOGSMEADE

HARRY puts on his INVISIBLITY CLOAK and walks into THINGS.

AUDIENCE
Why do invisible people immediately become clumsy?

HARRY
Hey, do you want to look at an empty set for ten minutes?


HARRY finds HERMIONE and RON, who are having a MOMENT. BUT MALFOY shows up.

AUDIENCE
Nice hat, Malfoyowski.

MALFOYOWSKI
Blah, blah, blah. I’m better than you. Blah, blah.
You know, the stuff I usually say. Et cetera, et cetera.

HERMIONE AND RON
*Yawn*

MALFOYOWSKI
And now…WE DANCE!


SNOWBALLS fly out of NOWHERE to hit MALFOYOWSKI. He runs off, but not to tell SNAPE.

RON
Oh no! Snowball throwing ghosts!

HERMIONE
Shut up, Ron. Hi, Harry. Want to go into town
to get more pertinent plot related information?

HARRY
Will it depress me?

HERMIONE
Yep.

HARRY
Let’s go!


INT. HOGSMEADE

HARRY and FRIENDS see HAGRID, MCGONAGALL, FUDGE, and other IMPORTANT PEOPLE hanging around talking about HARRY.

FUDGE
Let’s talk about the plot to Madam Rosmerta.

AUDIENCE
Because she really needs to know.


HARRY sneaks in because he’s INVISIBLE, and because NO ONE notices how CLUMSY he’s suddenly become.

FUDGE
Yes. Sirius Black is responsible for the Potters’ death.
And for Peter Pettigrew’s death.

ROSMERTA
Peter Pettigrew?

MCGONAGALL
Yes. Peter Pettigrew.

FUDGE
Is that name engraved in the Audience’s heads yet?

MCGONAGALL
Sirius Black was their friend, and … Harry’s godfather.

AUDIENCE
Dun, dun, DUN!

HAGRID
Why, if Harry were here right now, he’d run out
of the room, crying and swearing revenge.


HARRY runs out of the room, CRYING and SWEARING REVENGE.

INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE

AUDIENCE
Spine? Anyone need a new spine?

HARRY
Lupin, be father figure-esque and teach me to deal
with my fears.

LUPIN
Okay, Harry. I guess I will teach the most important
key element of the plotline: Expecto patronum.

HARRY
Expecto patronum.

LUPIN
Excellent! You are able to repeat after me!

AUDIENCE
Wow, Lupin. You don’t have high expectations
for your students, do you?

LUPIN
Listen very carefully to my voice. Think of a happy memory…
Thiiiiink…relaaaax…happiness is the keeey. Now… SLEEP!

HARRY
What?

LUPIN
Sorry. Just use your happiness to fight the dementor.


HARRY FAILS.

LUPIN (cont.)
Well, that won’t do.

HARRY
Well, it’s not like I’m a wealth of happy memories over here.


HARRY manages to come up with a HAPPY THOUGHT, and is able to FLY, I mean, FIGHT the DEMENTOR.

LUPIN
Excellent! What memory did you use?

HARRY
A memory of my parents that doesn’t actually exist.

LUPIN/AUDIENCE
Oh. Okay.


EXT. HAGRID’S HUT

HAGRID
Buckbeak’s gonna die!

HARRY ET AL
Oh no!


SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, SCABBERS also dies.

AUDIENCE
Riiiiight.

DIRECTOR CUARON
And now back to your regularly scheduled movie.


INT. HOGWARTS – NIGHT

RON has the BEST JOKE of the movie right before things get TENSE.

HARRY
Peter Pettigrew? That was the name Fudge kept drilling into
my head. But he’s wandering the halls of Hogwarts?
I thought he was dead.

AUDIENCE
*rolls eyes*

HARRY
I better investigate and not tell anyone.

AUDIENCE
So much would be prevented in the Harry Potter Universe
if only people would tell each other things.


HARRY doesn’t find PETER. He does find SNAPE, however.

SNAPE
What are you doing wandering around at night?

HARRY
What am I doing? What are you doing? At least the
Audience knows what my rationale is.

SNAPE
I…er…I’M BATMAN!

HARRY
Would you please point your lens flare on a stick elsewhere?

AUDIENCE
Someone has a copy of Photoshop.

SNAPE
Hey, what’s that in your hand?


SUDDENLY, SNAPE deteriorates into SELF-PARODY.

SNAPE (cont.)
ACTING!

LUPIN
What’s going on here?

AUDIENCE
Is everyone just wandering the halls tonight?

SNAPE
*ACTS*

LUPIN
Riiiiight. Let’s all just go elsewhere.


LUPIN leads HARRY away. SNAPE puts out his LENS FLARE and wanders off in the PITCH DARK.

LUPIN
As your pseudo-father figure, I’m very disappointed in you,
Harry. I’m not giving your map back.

HARRY
How did you know it was a map?

LUPIN
Shhhh! Don’t ask that question.

HARRY
Okay. Oh, and, Peter Pettigrew.

LUPIN
Say what?


INT. DIVINATION

TRELAWNEY is also funny before things get TENSE.

HERMIONE
Divination is all bull. I’m insulted and I’m leaving.
Come on, ball. Let’s go.


HARRY and RON are not SMART ENOUGH to leave until the end of class.

HARRY
Ron, I have to go back to the classroom for a moment.
You know, so something important to the plot can happen.

TRELAWNEY
*gets freaky and prophesizes*

AUDIENCE
Run, Harry! Run!

HARRY
…I hate my life.

DIRECTOR CUARON
Of course, no one is going to mention this prophecy ever again.


EXT. HAGRID’S HOUSE

DIRECTOR CUARON
Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet?


MALFOY attempts to ASSERT HIMSELF, but winds up whining and cringing. AGAIN.

HERMIONE
*whack*

MALFOY
Oww!

AUDIENCE
Nancy.


HARRY, HERMIONE and RON attempt to comfort HAGRID because BUCKBEAK is about to DIE.

WEIRD THINGS happen.

HARRY
Huh.

HERMIONE
Huh.

RON
Huh?


HAGRID gives RON back SCABBERS.

HAGRID
Don’t know how I found him.


HAGRID ushers THE GANG out before they get in MORE TROUBLE.

SCABBERS
Screw you guys.
*bites Ron*


RON chases SCABBERS to the next scene.

EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW

RON
Hey, did it just get darker?


The BIG BLACK DOG drags off RON under the WHOMPING WILLOW.

WHOMPING WILLOW
Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to hit people.

HARRY/HERMIONE
Ouch!


HARRY has a VELMA moment, but manages to NOT BREAK his glasses for once.

HERMIONE knocks HARRY under the WILLOW, and somehow manages to fall in right behind him, even though she was still SWINGING moments before.

INT. THE SHRIEKING SHACK

RON
It’s a trap!

SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!


LUPIN!

LUPIN
Sirius, my friend!

SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!

HERMIONE
Oh, that’s it! Where wolf? THERE wolf!

LUPIN
Sirius isn’t bad.

SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone!

LUPIN
Sirius, you’re not helping.

AUDIENCE
Maybe if you stopped acting so sinister for a moment
and explained, the children wouldn’t be frightened
out of their minds. And ready to kill you.

LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew killed your parents, Harry.

HARRY
Say what?


SNAPE! And, yes, he’s still ACTING.

SNAPE
I hate everyone!


SNAPE fuels the belief that LUPIN and SIRIUS are OTP.

SNAPE
I bet the dementors are just dying to give you a kiss, Sirius.

SIRIUS
Kissing? Icky!

HARRY
I need to sort this out so I’ll guess I’ll just…
BLAST SNAPE!

LUPIN
Peter Pettigrew is Ron’s rat.

RON
…I hate my life.


PETER is, IN FACT, SCABBERS.

PETER
I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s
appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of
friends ever.

SIRIUS
I’m going to kill someone…PETER!

AUDIENCE
Oh, now you explain.

HARRY
No, no more murder.

PETER
I’m not going to die!

HARRY
No, I’ll just give you to the dementors, who will suck
out your soul. Which, when you think about it, is worse.


EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW

AUDIENCE
Did they leave Snape…? Yes. Yes, they did.

WHOMPING WILLOW
Do I hit people now?

DIRECTOR CUARON
Not now.


HARRY and SIRIUS have a SWEET MOMENT. HERMIONE and RON have a SWEET MOMENT.

AUDIENCE
Awwwww…

HERMIONE
Hey, the moon!

LUPIN
Oh, yeah. Whoops.


LUPIN turns into what I’M GOING TO ASSUME is a WEREWOLF.

PETER
*runs like the little rat he is*

SNAPE
I can’t believe you left me…oh, werewolf.
I hate my life.


SIRIUS turns into the BIG BLACK DOG and chases off LUPIN.

HARRY
I am so concerned about Sirius, who I thought was
trying to kill me only ten minutes ago, that I will chase
after him and the werewolf, despite the fact I have a
snowball’s chance against Lupin.

SNAPE
Wait. Don’t. Stop.

AUDIENCE
Way to protect your students, Snape.


HARRY suddenly realizes that this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.

OTHER WEREWOLF
Aaoooow!

LUPIN
Kill the kid…or get some…hmmm…


LUPIN decides PROCREATION triumphs over DESTRUCTION.

HARRY
Whew. Sirius is injured, but everything will be all right now.


Of course, IT WON’T.

DEMENTORS
Give us the Halfling!

HARRY
Oh, crap.


DEMENTORS start to SUCK out SIRIUS’S SOUL.

AUDIENCE
Sirius has winterfresh breath!


HARRY and SIRIUS are saved by a STAG.

HARRY
Now cue the scene change wipe!


INT. HOSPITAL WING

HARRY
I think I saw my Dad!

HERMIONE
Oh, boy. He’s finally snapped.

DUMBLEDORE
Sirius is locked in the Dark Tower and is sentenced
to have his soul removed.

AUDIENCE
Hogwarts has a “Dark Tower?”

DUMBLEDORE
I’m fairly certain you can save everyone, as always.
Hermione knows how.

HARRY
What’s he talking about?

HERMIONE
I can travel back in time. That’s why I keep
appearing everywhere.

AUDIENCE
Blah, blah, blah. We already know this. Move on!


EXT. STUFF THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED

Everything happens AGAIN, but this time, the WEIRD STUFF makes SENSE.

HARRY
First, we save Buckbeak.

HERMIONE
We’re going to be seen!

DUMBLEDORE
Now if you look over there, you’ll see a large
number of highly distracting things.


HARRY and HERMIONE rescue BUCKBEAK.

DUMBLEDORE
Excellent. Hagrid, let’s party.


The kids now WAIT AROUND.

HARRY
After Sirius is free, we’re going to get a house in
the country. With a white picket fence, and tulip boxes
in the windows, and a dog.

HERMIONE
I think the dog part is covered.

HARRY
Whoops, time to save ourselves.


HERMIONE saves HARRY from LUPIN by HOWLING.

AUDIENCE
So, werewolves don’t respond only to the call of their
own kind inasmuch as they respond to the call of
anyone attempting to sound like one of their kind.

LUPIN
Wait a minute. That’s not a werewolf! My bad.


HERMIONE and HARRY realize this was NOT THE BEST PLAN.

HARRY
We seem to have a lot of those tonight.

AUDIENCE
You guys should really know better than to
back through a forest.

LUPIN
Okay, this time nothing will save you.

BUCKBEAK
*whack*

LUPIN
…except the giant hippogriff.

HARRY
Thanks, Buckbeak. Now I’m going to see my Dad.


NO, he’s not.

HARRY
Oh, wait. I saved me. Then what was with the stag?
I should ask Lupin later. When he’s not trying to kill me.


They rescue SIRIUS.

HERMIONE
Why does Hogwarts need a locked prison at the top
of a tall tower? Are murderous felons a frequent problem?

SIRIUS
Thank you for saving me. And don’t worry, Harry.
Your parents are always with you. Right here in
your chest cavity.

HARRY
Don’t touch me.


BUCKBEAK and SIRIUS are saved from certain DEATH.

DUMBLEDORE
*bland moralizing*


INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY

LUPIN
I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just nearly got
killed by every creature I came across last night.

HARRY
I wish you didn’t have to leave. I liked following you
everywhere. So, care to explain who the Marauders were?

LUPIN
No, I do not. Here’s the map back though. You’ll need
it for the next movie. Goodbye.


INT. GREAT HALL

RON
Hi, Harry! I still have no idea what’s going on, but
you got a Firebolt!

HERMIONE
From Sirius. Too bad this plot development was changed
into a cheap happy ending.

HARRY
Who cares? I can end the movie with an awkward closeup!
Tags: ,

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We’ve caught a severe case of British Guy Hair!

How true it is. What happened to everyone's hair? Ron had stupid hair, the twins had stupid hair, Malfoy had stupid hair, Dumbledore's hair was all funky but kinda cool, but what's the deal?

AUDIENCE
*tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke*

Not where I was sitting. It was really quite sad. There was a group of about six people sitting behind me, and they ALL said it. I wanted to cry.

PETER
I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s
appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of
friends ever.

I like to think that they were handsome once. Except maybe Peter and Remus. And maybe James. But Sirius was in Azkaban for twelve years, so he has valid reason to be ugly.

HERMIONE
From Sirius. Too bad this plot development was changed
into a cheap happy ending.

I wanted to cry when the movie was over. Probably because I had noted three and a half pages of differences from book to movie. And the movie wasn't over! Where the hell was the Quidditch? An extra ten minutes for Quidditch was all I wanted! *sobs* But it was an exellent parody, as always. *gives lots of sugary sweets*

Everyone made a "Titanic" joke, no matter how much we didn't want them to. I just wanted to pretend people had taste. (I don't like "Titanic," can you tell? That's why I refuse to do a BBE of it. It would require me to see it again.)

Maybe Sirius was handsome once. In the book in my head, both he and James were. Or at least not scary like in the movie.

Every movie cuts things. But this movie tried too hard. You would have had to have read the book to understand it. I was upset about that. Movies should be separate entities in and of themselves.

(Deleted comment)
Good for you! Someone did not make a "Titanic" joke! My day is that much brighter.

AUDIENCE
*tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke*


I was and remain utterly tasteless then. :x

Awww...well, you and everyone else on the planet, then.

loved it as usual

(Anonymous)
HERMIONE
Divination is all bull. I’m insulted and I’m leaving.
Come on, ball. Let’s go.
^ for some reason, this line cracked me up and now everytime i see this movie in the dollar theatre, i laugh hysterically

And i did make the titanic joke....i'm sorry, it was a reflex. Probably has something to do with me seeing the movie 4 times in theatres when i was in between the 4th and 5th grade when it came out.

It was an awesome BBE, thank you!

Cheers,
~Victoria

Re: loved it as usual

The first time I saw Hermione leave, and the crystal ball roll after her, I laughed so hard. It looked like she was taking her ball and going home.

I only saw "Titanic" once. And I was in high school. What was the appeal? The love story? The rampant death and destruction? The three hour length?

REMUS LUPIN
Mighty Moustache Attack!

I hate Lupin's mustache.

LUPIN turns into what I’M GOING TO ASSUME is a WEREWOLF.

I hate Lupin's werewolf form.

I loved your comments on them, however. And I don't think there was a single happy Remus Lupin fangirl in that audience. All our mental images just kind of shriveled up and DIED when he came on screen. I think I may have even heard sniffles.

Anyway, once again. Great BBE. When and what is the next one?



I don't think I ever pictured Lupin as hot, but as father-figurey before Sirius could come along. But, yeah, the moustache made my heart break. It wasn't even real facial hair. It was a "my-first-moustache"!

I'm sorry for the fangirls...check out this by
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I don't think I ever pictured Lupin as hot, but as father-figurey before Sirius could come along. But, yeah, the moustache made my heart break. It wasn't even real facial hair. It was a "my-first-moustache"!

I'm sorry for the fangirls...check out this by <ljuser="sad_alice"> for a fanon/canon look at Remus and Sirius. It's seriously funny (no pun intended): http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/2571945/

Thanks so much...I've been anticipating this BBE since I first read your work.

This was my favorite book, but I haven't seen the movie yet (not much of a movie goer!) Reading your BBE and realizing all the changes makes me sad. I don't want my favorite book ruined! Why can't they leave things alone! Grr...

By the by, who does everyone think Hermione is better coupled with: Ron or Harry?

I vote Harry.

Very humorous BBE, even without the movie!

Buh-bye!

I think the third book is my favorite too. I don't know why. Maybe it's well-written and a good story, but not so long it makes me want to tear my hair out?

I recommend the movie. It's not bad, it's just not my favorite (that would be the second one). Even if I do sound a little mean in this story.

Oh, pairing questions are always dangerous. I have no couple favorites. Until it's canon (heck, even after it's canon), people will have whatever favorites they want.

Re: Tear (Anonymous) Expand
HEY!!
At last...i've been waiting for this one for such a long time. Really funny, but i think my fav. hp bbe has to be chamber of secrets...
This is my favorite hp movie out of the three, i really don't think it was too bad, since most ppl already have read the books should know what happens, and if they haven'r read the books!! Yes they did mess up too many times, but they did the same in the other movies too. What i really wanted to see in this movie was halloween and sir cadogan (sp?)
PETER
I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s
appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of
friends ever.

Sooooo true!!
Thnx for posting this, i laughed sooo much, can't wait for ur next post.

I still like the second movie better (maybe 'cause it was cute and not as bogged down with exposition), but the thrid was still good. I just think movies should be separate entities in and of themselves, so reading the book shouldn't be required. And I do think the fourth book should be split into two movies (a la "Kill Bill"), which would solve the eight billion subplot problem. So glad I don't have to write the fourth movie script into one two and a half hour movie. Good luck to whoever does.

*applauds* Oh, I'm so glad to see this back up! And with ASTERIKS! What does Ff.net have against those, anyway? Grrrr. Oh well. Anyway, I can't possibly pick a favorite line from your parody, they're all clever and funny. And though I didn't comment before, I also loved the latest chapter of "Once Upon A Freakin' Time". Dumb blond Lucius...bwahahaha.

--Meg

Yes, I was sad to lose my asteriks on ff.net. I wonder why their program can't read them?

Heh, glad you like dumb Lucius. He is one of my favorites with badplans!Voldemort and snarky!Snape.

Perhaps you should shove all the Breadboxes in Memories? Just a suggestion.

I'm happy to see them coming online again.

I plan on putting them in Memories as soon as they fall off the first page, don't worry.

Glad you're happy! I'll have more up soon.

DEMENTOR
Shire.....Baggins.....

Ha! That's exactly what I thought when I saw the dementor. The dementors and nazgul should hang out sometime. You know, trade recipies, efficient ways to damn people's souls for all time (or suck them out), serving an Evil Overlord, etc. The dementors were more ghost-ish than I thought they would be. Still pretty damn good, though. And what was *up* with that werewolf-prototype? I kept wondering if he had actually finishede transforming, or was just taking it in stages.

As always, I adore your BBEs. Keep writin'!

Re: Ron - *Still* Clueless

I think everyone on the planet thought of the Nazgul when the dementors showed up. I think a dementor/Nazgul support group would be a very good idea. Or a trade union! I think I have an idea for a Once Upon a Freakin' Time! Thank you!

Great BBE! I love reading stuff that makes me laugh out loud. I remember when I first found your LotR ones and laughing until it hurt to breath. Ahhhh, good times. :)

As for Lupin's werewolf form, I liked it, but it definitely wasn't what I was expecting or hoping for. I thought it was hella cool and freaky on its own, but maybe it just wasn't right for this movie.

I have been ruined by fandom for anything canon, so although my inner fangirl is screaming for hot Marauders (Peter being the exception), I think logically I shouldn't be surprised that they would be average-looking.

Lupin's werewolf form was never how I imagined werewolves, but that's my problem, not the director's.

I know,I know, most people are average looking. But, I'm movie spoiled! My favorite characters should be hot! Or at least not have facial hair that makes me want to cry.

Fantastic BBE, as per your usual genius standard!!

DIRECTOR CUARON
Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet?

I think Tim Burton should direct a HP movie. And gotta love Snape's ACTING!!

Hmmm, Tim Burton for the fifth movie? It's dark enough. Well, let's just see how he does on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" first before setting him up with any more childrens movies that are stop-action.

K I was gonna quote all my favorite lines from this, but it was roughly 30 so i decided that it'd be a little too much so here's something else........


......HOLY FRICKEN' COW.........AWESOME JOB!!!!!!!! ^_^

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I HATED the movie, yet I still saw it 3 times. Hmm, this always makes me laugh, I can die in piece now thatI've read it. I love you. I am a horrible book-to-movie snob. I was practically screaming everytime "IT NEVER HAPPENED LIKE THAT!" Until the third time, when I just laughed as I remembered this BBE. I was almost gagging at the amount of Ron/Hermy that was in this movie. Honestly. Alfonso MUST DIEEE! Snape always gives me the giggles with his ACTING!

Wow, you are even more virulent about this movie than anyone else I've met. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed my slightly bitter Breadbox then. And I'm glad you got your wish to read. Please don't die in pieces, though.

Yeah, they upped the Ron/Hermione factor in this movie to unnecessary levels. I guess he felt the need for a romance...between...13-year-olds...?

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
I love all your Breadbox Editions and was an avid reader of them when they were still on Fanfiction.net.

Am I the only person who loves the look of 'film' Remus? I nearly always go for the bad guys in things, but when I read POA I fell for Lupin's sweetness - and am totally smitten with David Thewlis anyway - I was quite happy with the result. (Maybe it's cause I'm older, perhaps?) The moustache comment made me howl, though.

Of the books Goblet of Fire is my favourite and I don't see how they're going to create a film out of that without hacking it to pieces; POA was bad enough for that. It's Fellowship of the Ring all over again. Thank goodness for special DVD editions. I felt quite cheated over the gaping holes in Lothlorien, though I'm pleased bloody Tom Bombadil was removed completely.

As for POA, I'll add my own comment about the lack of Quidditch. Maybe they used up the CGI budget on the Titanic scene. ;-)

A few of my favourites-

* DEMENTOR
Shire…Baggins…

DEMENTORS
Give us the Halfling! *

I think I ruptured something. :-D It was uncanny, wasn't it?


* DIRECTOR CUARON
Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet? *

::head,desk:: Maybe. Just maybe. :-D


I did like the 'new' Hogwarts. It kind of seemed more real somehow. I will have to comment on your COS BBE, if I can refrain from perving at Lucius (grrr).

Well, I don't hate the way movie!Lupin looks, and do think he's the sweetest man who ever turned into a werewolf once a month (how much do you think he hates blue moons?).

You were glad to see Tom gone too? Yay! I thought I was the only one not missing the nonsensical rhymes!

I'm glad you enjoyed this story! Go ahead and perve at Lucius, he enjoys it.

?

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