insert deep thought here (evadne_noel) wrote,
insert deep thought here
evadne_noel

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Harry Potter and the Stone of Your Choice: Breadbox Edition

I'm not even going to bother with an introduction, since no one is going to read it.

(Author's Note: Harry Potter in no way, shape or form belongs to me. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing and all associates and Warner Bros. films. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE: BREADBOX EDITION


FADE IN:
EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PAST

DUMBLEDORE shows up on the streets of a neighborhood where they rope off their lawns, as if that’s going to keep people off.

PROF. DUMBLEDORE
Let me put out the street lamps with
my PEZ dispenser. Ah, Prof. McGonagall…

PROF. MCGONAGALL
Wait, I’m still a cat, dang it.


POOF! She’s human. The SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM rejoices at their cleverness.

MCGONAGALL
Now I will say some things that seem to
provide background without meaning anything.

AUDIENCE
That’s okay. We already know the story.


HAGRID flies out of the sky on SIRIUS BLACK’S MOTORCYCLE, but no one mentions that.

HAGRID
I’m exactly as you imagined me.

DUMBLEDORE
I’m so glad you brought Harry, Hagrid. Now,
try to stay awake while I say some meaningful things.

HAGRID AND MCGONAGALL
Yes, you must be established as wise, if rather dull.


EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PRESENT

The neighborhood is EXACTLY THE SAME.

HARRY POTTER
My life is hell.

DUDLEY DURSLEY
My name is annoying alliteration. I’m pretty annoying too.

MR. AND MRS. DURSLEY
Grr…We hate you so much it’s amazing a Child Services
representative hasn’t taken you away yet.

HARRY
But I bear up like a saint.

MR. DURSLEY
If you do anything weird, I’ll skewer you with my tiny key.


INT. THE ZOO

DUDLEY
God, I’m annoying.

AUDIENCE
Don’t taunt the CGI snake.

HARRY
Hey, I can talk with the CGI snake!

CGI SNAKE
Yeah, well. You won’t be so thrilled about it in a year or so.


HARRY accidentally does something that leaves DUDLEY in a HUMOROUS, if SOMEWHAT CRUEL, situation.

MR. DURSLEY
I look like I’m going to sit on Harry.


EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – SOME TIME LATER

HARRY gets a LETTER. THE DURSLEYS panic and steal it.

AUDIENCE
Idiots. It’s easier to hide that one person is a wizard than
to hide that a bazillion owls are leaving letters at your house.


Eventually, HUNDREDS OF LETTERS fly around and smack into people. Miraculously, no one gets a PAPER CUT. HARRY tries to run off with a letter.

AUDIENCE
No, dork! Grab several! He can take one away easily!


MR. DURSLEY loses it and takes EVERYONE to a CGI HOUSE on a CGI ROCK in the middle of a CGI SEA.

INT. CGI HOUSE ON A CGI ROCK IN A CGI SEA

HARRY
Mmm…dirt birthday cake. I wish for large,
hairy man to knock the door down.


HAGRID knocks the door down.

HARRY
Ahh! Who are you?

HAGRID
You’re a wizard, Harry.

HARRY
That’s nice, but it didn’t really answer my question.

MR. DURSLEY
No, you can’t take him!

HAGRID
Too bad. C’mon, Harry.

HARRY
Um, did we skip some lines?


EXT. DIAGON ALLEY

RANDOM WIZARDS
Ack! It’s Harry Potter!

HARRY
Um…Hi?

PROF. QUIRRELL
I am not at all suspicious.


HAGRID opens the door to DIAGON ALLEY. AUDIENCE watches very closely so they can find the DELETED SCENES later.

HAGRID
Let’s visit the structurally unsound bank and get your money.

WILLOW THE BANKTELLER
Grr…I am unnecessarily unpleasant.


HARRY discovers he owns a large pile of CHOCOLATE PIRATE COINS. HAGRID picks up a package.

HAGRID
This is not at all important to the plot.


HARRY goes to get his WAND.

OLLIVANDER
I’m probably the second creepiest person in this movie, and
I’m in it for all of two minutes.


HARRY blows stuff up with various WANDS until he finds a WAND that doesn’t blow stuff up.

OLLIVANDER
Curious, curious…

HARRY
I know I’m going to regret asking, but…what’s curious?

OLLIVANDER
It’s just that…your wand made the theme
music play. I’ve only seen one other wand
do that. And it belonged to…You-Know-Who.

HARRY
Actually, I don’t yet.


HAGRID buys HARRY HEDWIG THE OWL, who doesn’t get her poor name said in the actual movie.

HARRY
Hagrid, who killed my parents?

HAGRID
Hold on, let me cue up the unnecessary flashback.

AUDIENCE
Mere exposition cannot hold my attention!
Look, there’s a Junior Mint on the floor!

HAGRID
Here’s your ticket, Harry. We’ve compressed
time and changed the date of your birthday.
Or you start school in July, your choice.
Either way, you’re on your own.

HARRY
Okay, now I’m lost.


Thankfully for the movie, HARRY runs into the WEASLEYS, who help him find his train.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We are not in this movie nearly enough.


INT. THE TRAIN

RON WEASLEY
Hi, I’m the first person you’ve met so, obviously, I’m
going to be your best friend.

HARRY
Wow! Bizarrely unappetizing wizard candy! And it
comes with a cheesy hologram!

CHEESY DUMBLEDORE HOLOGRAM
To think I was once an important plot element.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, I’m your prerequisite female friend.

RON
You’re not supposed to be our friend yet.
Why is your hair crimped only in the back?

HERMIONE
It will all be crimped by the end of the movie.

HARRY
That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly.

RON
Wicked!


AUDIENCE flinches.

EXT. HOGWARTS

HAGRID
Harry! Glad you got here despite the fact
I abandoned you at the train station!

DRACO MALFOY
Finally, I’m in the movie. Take my
hand and you’ll become evil.

HARRY
Uh…no, thank you.

AUDIENCE
Oooh! Denied!

MCGONAGALL
All right, everyone. When I call you, in
no particular order, come up and have
the vaguely threatening Sorting Hat
decide your destiny.

AUDIENCE
What!? Why isn’t it in alphabetical order?

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Hey, it’s either this or a twenty-minute Sorting scene. And
I wouldn’t keep the entire Snape’s Class scene, so
I’m definitely not doing that.

SORTING HAT
Ahh…let me announce the slightly damning contents
of Harry’s head to the entire school. Gryffindor!


GHOSTS show up.

BLOODY BARON
Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time.


PROF. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Which he hasn’t.

INT. A RATHER WELL-LIT DUNGEON

SNAPE
All you stupid children need to know is that I’m
602 years old. And I should never be underlit.

THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK
He must be the bad guy.

REST OF AUDIENCE
Oh?

THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK
Well, it’s Alan Rickman.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

SNAPE
I need to have a confrontation with Harry, but since Chris cut out
the part where Harry sasses me, I come off looking like
I hate him for no good reason.

HARRY
Actually, you never really act as if you hate me.
It’s more like vague concern.

AUDIENCE
I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper
in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.”


EXT. HOGWART’S GROUNDS

DRACO
My helmet-hair has made me irritating
and generally unlikable.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m comic relief! Can’t you tell by my life threatening
antics and painful injury?

DRACO
Ha! I laugh at your pain!

HARRY
That’s not very nice.

DRACO
Grr! I hate you for not shaking my hand!


DRACO throws a BALL at HARRY, who catches it just outside of MCGONAGALL’S OFFICE, which is really bad timing, as she never appears to use that office EVER AGAIN.

MCGONAGALL
Well, I think we can overlook bad
behavior when athletics are on the line.

QUIRRELL
Remember, students: if you’re ever faced
with a vampire bat, an iguana will save your life.

OLIVER WOOD
I’m going to teach Harry to play Quidditch. Let
me thrash around like a moron on the ground.

FEMALE AUDIENCE OVER THE AGE OF 16
Finally, a hot guy.


EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS

AUDIENCE notices that HOGWARTS appears to have a high TEACHER TO STUDENT RATIO.

HERMIONE
Hey, Harry and Ron! Let me show you a Quidditch award
Harry’s father won. So, no pressure, Harry.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Please note the clever “M. McGonagall”
on the award, too. And the Riddle award.

RON
Wicked!

AUDIENCE
Argh.

RON (cont.)
Hey, why do you hang around with us so much, Hermione?


A STAIRCASE is bribed by DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS to deposit HARRY AND CO. some place they’re not supposed to be.

HOGWARTS, 3RD FLOOR
Check out my sinister decorations. They must use this floor to
hide important items every year.

FLUFFY
WOOF!


HARRY ET AL. run from the THREE-HEADED DOG. Wouldn’t you?

HERMIONE
Humph! If you two do things like that,
I won’t be your friend anymore.

AUDIENCE
But you’re not their friend!


INT. WILLOW THE PROFESSOR’S CLASS

SEAMUS blows something up and makes half the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.

HERMIONE shows off.

RON
Is she in earshot? Good.
I CAN’T STAND HER!


HERMIONE gets UPSET.

INT. HALLOWEEN

QUIRRELL
There’s a troll in the dungeon! I wonder
how it got there. I am certainly not responsible,
for I am a comic character. Watch me faint!

SNAPE
In anticipation of the attack, I’m going to
limp out of the room.

HARRY
Ron, your cruelty to Hermione has put her in imminent danger.
We have to rescue her.

RON
Oh, all right.


A TROLL menaces HERMIONE.

AUDIENCE
Argh, Lord of the Rings flashbacks!


HARRY and RON dispose of the TROLL in classic SLAPSTICK fashion.

HERMIONE
Well, look who finally got a spell right.

RON
Nothing has really changed. But I guess
we can be slightly less mean to you.


MCGONAGALL gives HARRY and RON FIVE FREAKIN’ POINTS each for knocking out the TROLL. FIVE!

SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

MCGONAGALL
Now, how are we going to get this troll
out of the girls’ bathroom?


INT. BREAKFAST

SEAMUS blows something else up and makes the other half of the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.

HERMIONE
C’mon Harry. You have to eat before
the big CGI orgy that is Quidditch.


HEDWIG drops an OBVIOUSLY BROOMSTICK SHAPED package in front of HARRY.

RON
Wow, what do you think it is?

AUDIENCE
So, he’s getting his broom ten minutes before his first match?

SNAPE
I’m creepy, in case you’ve forgotten.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Then, he LIMPS off.

HARRY
I bet he went to see that three-headed dog.

HERMIONE
Why do you think that?

HARRY
I’m not too sure. It’s probably because
his cape flies out behind him when he walks.


EXT. QUIDDITCH

AUDIENCE
Wow, this is some of the best CGI I’ve ever seen.


GEORGE LUCAS feels threatened and makes a movie entirely out of CGI. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

HARRY, OLIVER, FRED AND/OR GEORGE and several UNNAMED FEMALE CHARACTERS WHOSE NAMES I KNOW ANYWAY throw balls around with the SLYTHERIN TEAM, which has the UGLIEST PEOPLE on the planet. People get beat up pretty bad.

MADAM HOOCH
Apparently, I never call fouls. By the
way, doesn’t my costume rock?

HARRY’S BROOM
You know what? Screw you, Potter.


HARRY’S BROOM tries to kill him.

HERMIONE
Actually, Snape is trying to kill him. Don’t
you see him talking to himself over there?
I hope Harry can survive the five minutes
it will take me to get over there.


HERMIONE sets her teacher on fire and NO ONE NOTICES.

HARRY is SAVED just in time to put himself in the MOST PRECARIOUS PLACE POSSIBLE to catch the snitch.

HARRY
Watch me comically vomit up the snitch.
But, Gryffindor wins, so that’s all that matters.


INT. A CHRISTMASY HOGWARTS

HERMIONE
Remember to look for that thing Hagrid
wasn’t supposed to tell us about.

HARRY
Nicolas Flamel. I know I’ve heard it before.

AUDIENCE
You might’ve if you’d read the back of
the cheesy Dumbledore hologram on the train.

RON
Shush! I’m playing chess. It’s wicked.

AUDIENCE
Wow, it must be expensive to play
wizard’s chess. And stop saying that!


HARRY gets an UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

AUDIENCE
Ugh. No wonder they make it so you don’t see it.


HARRY decides to sneak around at night with his UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

HARRY
Hmm…the library. That ought to be nice and safe…

BOOK
LET ME OUT OF HERE! MADAM PINCE
IS A LITTLE FASCIST!


HARRY has to RUNS from FILCH…right into QUIRRELL and SNAPE.

HARRY
Aw, crap.


SNAPE barely reaches out and conveniently misses HARRY.

SNAPE
Huh.
*to Quirrell*
Now, give me your lunch money.


HARRY runs into a room with a MIRROR that shows him HIS DEAD PARENTS.

AUDIENCE
Wow, he’s taking this rather well. I’d
be freaking out by now.

HARRY
Mum! Dad…I don’t really look like you, do I?


HARRY becomes OBSESSED because he doesn’t much resemble his dad.

HARRY
Why, Dad, why?

DUMBLEDORE
Harry, it’s not that important. Really.


HARRY moves on with his life.

EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE

HAGRID
Hi, I’m not up to anything.

HERMIONE
We never said…

HAGRID
Ah, you got me! Look a baby dragon!

AUDIENCE
It’s in five seconds of the movie and it
got a toy. Cute, though.

HARRY
Hagrid told me he’s always wanted a dragon.

AUDIENCE
No, he didn’t.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Probably should have edited that too, huh?

DRACO
How did I know where they were? Slytherin is in
the dungeon. Did I look out a window?


WHAM! MCGONAGALL busts EVERYONE.

MCGONAGALL
You three will be punished because you were out late. And you,
Draco, will be punished for being a jagoff.


EXT. FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH

HAGRID
We’re looking for a unicorn. You’ll know it because it’s
shiny and idealized. I’m perfectly okay with splitting up
the eleven-year-olds.


HARRY AND DRACO find the UNICORN, which looks like a BIG, DUMB HORSE WITH A HORN TAPED TO ITS HEAD.

AUDIENCE
Aw, the poor thing is suffering from Legend syndrome.


Oh, and they find a SCARY BLACK THING. That moves kind of STUPIDLY toward HARRY.

HARRY
Help!


Some REALLY BAD CGI saves HARRY.

AUDIENCE
Ewwww…I think Columbus blew his
effects budget on the Quidditch scene.

REALLY BAD CGI
Boy am I unconvincing. Almost as
unconvincing as Voldemort there.

HARRY
That’s Voldemort? That cloak?


INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

HARRY
Time to save the world for the first time.

HERMIONE
Why do I switch from “You-Know-Who”
to “Voldemort” mid-scene?



EXT. HOGWARTS

SNAPE
Just wanted to remind you…


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

SNAPE (cont.)
…that I’m really creepy.


EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE

HARRY
Hagrid, stop playing the theme music for a minute. Seeing as
you’re always telling us things you shouldn’t, is it
possible that you’ve spilled any important
secrets to anyone else?

HAGRID
Oh, probably.

HARRY
Want to tell us too, so we can even the
playing field a bit?

HAGRID
Sure.

NEVILLE
Everyone thinks Seamus is me! I must
prove there’s a difference!


NEVILLE fails to accomplish ANYTHING.

INT. GETTING TO THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE

HARRY
I feel like we should be feeding Fluffy a honey cake.

RON
Good thing this harp is still here.
Hagrid never did give Harry that flute.


HARP stops. SOMETHING DISGUSTING lands on RON.

RON
Oh, ew! Why is it always me?

FLUFFY
WOOF!


HARRY AND CO. jump into a TRAP DOOR and land on the VENUS FLYTRAP FROM HELL.

HERMIONE
If you relax, the Devil’s Snare will let you go.

AUDIENCE
I’m sure I’d be able to relax if a big-ass
plant was hugging me to death.


HERMIONE makes the SUN come out of her WAND to save RON, who just can’t relax, for some reason.

HARRY AND HIS HAPPY BUDDIES find a room full of flying keys.

HARRY
There’s one with a broken wing.

AUDIENCE
How did he see that? They all look the same to me.


HARRY hops on a BROOM to catch BROKEN KEY. Suddenly, DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS starts to channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK and the KEYS start attacking HARRY.

HARRY
Pfft. Like a bunch of keys is a problem.

RON
Now that we’ve got Hermione and your
specialties out of the way, let’s do mine.


CUE GIANT CHESSBOARD

AUDIENCE
Why do those giant pieces look about a hundred years old?
The board’s only been there since the beginning of
the year,plus it must’ve been cleared when Quirrell
played through.

HARRY
Wait, who did you just say played through?

AUDIENCE
Uh…never mind.


RON plays them across the BOARD. AUDIENCE tries to follow along, but gets confused by that FREAKIN’ LETTER-NUMBER SYSTEM CHESS USES.

AUDIENCE
Where’s my chessboard?


CHESS PIECES blow up.

RON
Oh no! I have to sacrifice myself to
the queen! I’m brilliant at chess, but
there’s no way I could have seen this
coming more than a move beforehand!


QUEEN lays the smackdown on RON…’S HORSE.

RON
Wic…ked.

AUDIENCE
Huh. That seemed slightly less violent
than the other attacks.


HARRY checks the USELESS KING.

HARRY
Hermione, take Ron and get help.

HERMIONE
How, genius? He’s unconscious and there’s only one
broom anyway. Plus attacking keys and Fluffy.

HARRY
I’m going to take on Snape.


HARRY goes to the room with the MIRROR THAT SHOWED HIM HIS DEAD PARENTS. In front of it is…

HARRY
Quirrell! But you were so not
suspicious!

QUIRRELL
I know. Ain’t I a stinker? Now come here and find the stone.
I’m evil, so I can’t.


HARRY’S REFLECTION sticks a STONE that could stand to be put in a ROCK TUMBLER in HARRY'S POCKET.

HARRY
Think fast, Harry…I don’t see it.

QUIRRELL
Drat, foiled again.

VOLDEMORT
Quirrell, you idiot, let me out. I can’t breathe in here.


QUIRRELL takes off his TURBAN to reveal VOLDEMORT on the back of his head. It’s REALLY FREAKY.

VOLDEMORT
Ah…Harry Potter. I was hoping you…
Quirrell, could you turn around so I could
actually look at the boy, please?


HARRY’S PARENTS appear in the MIRROR. They look like they’re going to a FUNERAL.

VOLDEMORT
So, Harry. Why not try evil?

HARRY
As I’ve already made clear…NO.

VOLDEMORT
Well, that didn’t work. Quirrell, kill him.


QUIRRELL tries to grab HARRY, but his hands turn to STONE.

QUIRRELL
What’s going on?! Though, I don’t know why I’m so surprised
as I went out of my way in Diagon Alley not to
shake Harry’s hand!

AUDIENCE
So, just his hands have this power?


HARRY turns QUIRRELL to STONE, but forgets that just because you’ve killed a wizard, doesn’t mean you’ve killed a wizard.

HARRY passes out from the PURE FORCE OF EVIL that passes through him.

VOLDEMORT
I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little unnamed owl too!


INT. HOSPITAL WING

HARRY
Wow, I’ve never been here before.

AUDIENCE
Don’t worry, you’ll see plenty of it.

DUMBLEDORE
Hi, Harry. Glad you’re awake. Quirrell’s dead, Voldemort’s weak
and the stone’s destroyed. Happy endings all around.


DUMBLEDORE’S belated attempt at humor falls FLAT.

INT. GREAT HALL

DUMBLEDORE
And Slytherin wins the House Cup.

SLYTHERIN HOUSE
Whoo-hoo!

SNAPE
Must…concentrate…on…clapping.

DUMBLEDORE
Buuuuut…I’m going to give just enough points
to Hermione, Ron, Harry and, believe it or not,
Neville, to make Gryffindor beat Slytherin.

GRYFFINDOR HOUSE
WHOO-HOO!

HARRY
See everyone next year! I’m sure things will
be much calmer by then.

AUDIENCE
Suuuuure.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.


Couple of extra notes now:
1) So what was that look Snape gave Harry in the hallway? It was either a "Ah! Where did you come from?" or "Did I leave a bundt cake in the oven?"

2) Big, big, big, huge, gigantic thanks to Marty. She went to see this with me when it first came out, watched it on video with me when I decided to write this, and gave really great suggestions for jokes. Thanks, Marty!

3) Okay, I really want to explain one of the lines in this BBE, because a lot of people remark on it, and I want my position clear. Here's the line:

AUDIENCE
I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper
in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.”


Now, here's Snape's line (from the book) that this refers to:

...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death...

A lot of people claim that "stopper death" means "stop death" or "put a stop to death." I argue, no. A stopper is a piece of cork or rubber put in the mouth of a flask or phial to close it. Something a Potions Master would need fairly frequently. And since the previous two things Snape lists are potions related metaphors, "bottle" and "brew", I'm going to assume Snape mean "stopper" in the cork closer way. I think part of the confusion is that "stopper" is usually a noun, not a verb. But, I still argue that death is not difficult to create and put in a bottle closed with a stopper. Poison, Snape! It's poison!

Sorry, I just really needed to say my piece.
Tags: bbe, hp
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 70 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →