(Author’s Note: This series continues to not be mine, for which we should all be grateful. Rowling and WB be praised. Thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, and to Marty for inspiring me with talk of Snape/Queen Susan the Gracious Hostess ballroom dancing.)
INT. FRANK BRYCE’S HOUSE
FRANK makes TEA.
Oh, great. A tea making dream. Fascinating.
FRANK hears things and investigates GIANT SCARY HOUSE.
My Lord, wouldn’t it just be better not to have a convoluted plot this year?
WHAT? No convoluted plot! They are what made me a Dark Lord!
I’m just saying…
Barty, tell this guy off!
BARTY CROUCH, JR.
My Lord, I’m just here to suck the suspense out of the movie.
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
And I’m here to gross you out!
THE NAGINI HOME ALARM SYSTEM alerts BABY VOLDEMORT to FRANK.
No one must see me like this! I’m not wearing makeup!
HARRY (DREAM V.O.)
Well, this just took a turn for the incredibly wrong.
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL
Where’s your children’s book now, world?
INT. THE BURROW
Harry! Wake up!
Wha? Hey, I’m already with the Weasley’s? Best opening ever! Sure, someone
just died, but I don’t have to deal with the Dursleys.
Get up, Harry!
Hermione, when did you become so bitchy?
I’m bossy, not bitchy! I’m asserting myself.
What’s wrong with Hermione?
She’s asserting herself.
Ah, wake me up when she’s done.
EXT. SOME WOODS
MR. WEASLEY leads the WEASLEYS AND FRIENDS around in CIRCLES.
Hey, check it out, Harry. I got some new facial expressions just for this movie.
That’s nice. So, what’s going on? Can I get some exposition for why
CEDRIC DIGGORY drops out of a TREE.
Ah! What were you…?
I said: nothing.
C’mon kids, let’s take this Portkey to the Ren Faire.
PORTKEY offers further PROOF that wizarding transportation SUCKS.
EXT. REN FAIRE WORLD CUP
HARRY continues to be amazed by MAGIC.
Time to move along, Harry. We need to imply that Quidditch still exists in the
movieverse, so let’s find our seats for the World Cup. We’re in the Top Box.
Wow, the Ministry Box?
Uh, no. Not in the movie. We’re literally at the top of the Millennium Dome.
Of course you are. Let my son and me just show up to remind you of how
utterly inferior you are.
Ah-ha! You SUCK!
No, Draco! No actual mocking! Your mere presence should be enough!
Bad Draco! No biscuit!
What a weird family.
Potter, you should know better by now than to call attention to yourself.
Ew. Can we leave now? He’s molesting me with his cane again.
Are you ready for some QUIDDITCH!?
AUDIENCE AND CAST
Well, first direct your attention to our Jumbotron for one of the future
secondary characters in this story!
We can’t! We ARE the Jumbotron!
AUDIENCE sees VIKTOR KRUM, who is SILENTLY MANLY and all that SHIT. But mostly just SILENT.
I’d do him.
HARRY AND HERMIONE
All right, now it is time for the Quidditch World Cup to BEGIN!
INT. WEASLEY’S MAGIC TENT THAT SURPRISES HARRY FOR SOME REASON
Oh, man. That stuff that the Audience didn’t see was so awesome.
The TWINS and HARRY mock RON about his upcoming WEDDING to KRUM.
Oh, shut up or I won’t put you in the wedding party!
C’mon, there’s mass panic outside! People are running blindly about, trampling
others, fleeing some unseen terror! We have to get in on that!
Isn’t that dangerous?
Of course not!
HARRY immediately gets lost and knocked unconscious, but remains UNTRAMPLED due to his amazing magical power of BEING THE PROTAGONIST.
HARRY wakes up later and is menaced by someone in a SHINY BLACK COAT OF EVIL who calls up a SNAKE/SKULL OTP MASCOT OF EVIL.
Harry, thank goodness we found you long after the danger had passed.
What’s with the random sky-written snake?
That’s You-Know-Who’s symbol!
Hermione, are you back to not saying Voldemort’s name again?
HARRY and FRIENDS are menaced by MINISTRY OFFICIALS who apparently don’t look before FIRING OFF RANDOMLY.
Which one of you children did it? Which one of you is a Death Eater? Which one of you
has caused me to freak out and act in a way totally not befitting a leader under pressure?
Uh, none of us. But I saw someone.
Who, damn you? WHO?
How should I know? I don’t know every wizard in the world!
CROUCH and MINISTRY OFFICIALS leave a POOF of frustration.
INT. HOGWARTS TRAIN
Great, we’re already hearing news of Death Eaters. I predict this year is going to
suck worse than any other before it.
Practicing your Divination?
No need. It’s not like I’ll be attending that class this year.
Hi, I’m a girl!
Did you guys see that? It was a girl!
If you’re quite done, Harry, I think I should bring up Sirius so you don’t forget about
him during the movie.
Hmm? Oh, right. I love him very much and would be quite put out should anything
ever happen to him. I’ll send him a letter asking for a cameo.
HAGRID directs a FLYING HORSE COACH to the HOGWARTS LANDING STRIP, nearly causing it to HIT HIMSELF.
Well, there’s something you don’t see every day
GEORGE AND/OR FRED WEASLEY
What, Hagrid nearly getting himself killed? I thought that was pretty standard.
THE LAKE vomits up a SHIP.
Hey, watch it!
Well, I’m glad everyone has made it safely to the school without incident for once.
FILCH enters, doing the “OMG WHERE’S THE LOO?” DANCE.
Well, Mr. Filch has informed me that our guests are ready to entertain us with their
Dance Spectacular. First up, we have the ladies from Beauxbatons with their interpretive
dance entitled, “I flit about like a butterfly on a sun dappled meadow.”
A bunch of MARY SUES enter, and entrance everyone with their AIRLINE STEWARDESS UNIFORMS.
Wasn’t that lovely? And now, our manly neighbors from the north at Durmstrang will
give us a demonstration of their colorguard-slash-breakdance team.
Wait, I thought Krum was from Bulgaria.
And I thought “Durmstrang” was from the German “strum und drang.”
Either way, what the hell kind of map is Dumbledore using?
The DURMSTRANG boys make a lot of HUFFING NOISES and RUIN THE TILE by pounding their STAVES.
Why are the other schools sex-specific?
Hogwarts is a progressive school that encourages co-education.
I read it in Hogwarts, A History.
Golf claps, everyone. Golf claps. Thank you. And now that we have that out of the way,
let me explain what’s going to happen: we’re going to encourage international
cooperation by pitting students from different schools against each other in
tests that could kill them.
Yes. That’ll engender cooperation.
This operates on much the same principle as the theory that pitting the different Hogwarts
Houses against each other every year causes them to like each other more. And that always
seems to work. And now, before we unveil the Sacrament, Mr. Crouch here
would like to have a few words.
Sorry. Anyway. I’d just like to say that this tournament promises eternal fame and glory
to whoever wins. But it also hints at an early demise because we’ll be putting teenagers
into dangerous situations that most adults would find extremely difficult. So, we’ve
therefore put an age limit of 17 on the tournament. I apologize to those 7th years that will
be turning 17 now through December. Sucks to be you.
CAST LED BY FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Boooo to your stupid rule!
I wouldn’t enter even if I could. I don’t want eternal fame and glory.
ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY
HA! Just try to avoid us, kid!
Suddenly, LIGHTNING flashes and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters.
Don’t mind the fact that lightning accompanies my entrance. It means nothing sinister.
Hey, it’s Mad-Eye Moody, Pirate-Auror!
Yarrrr. Me parrot died on the way over the mountains.
Did you walk all this way? I sent a car.
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Mad-Eye Moody needs no car.
PROFESSOR KARKAROFF tries to JUSTIFY HIS EXISTENCE.
INT. “MAD-EYE MOODY’S” EXPOSITION 101 CLASS
All right, who wants to give background on the new curses for this movie?
Hey! I actually know this for once. The Imperious Curse-
Controls other people! Yes! Let me demonstrate on this giant spider.
Don’t faint, Weasley!
I really don’t want to talk about it, but the Cruciatus Curse-
Tortures people! Come up here and get a closer look, Longbottom.
Oh, yeah. That must hurt.
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Ahahahaha! Look at him squirm!
You horrible, horrible person! You make me not want to answer questions for you,
which I’ve never, never considered before!
Don’t want to tell me the last curse?
Well, I would but it seems like-
Exactly! I don’t let people finish sentences!
“MOODY” kills the SPIDER.
That was Avada Kedavra. And only one slimy little brat…I mean, one singular
person has survived it. Yes, I’m talking about you, Harry. No use looking
away like it’s Ron or something.
Well, that was extremely awkward.
Just be glad you aren’t Neville. He’s been brooding at that stained glass window of St.
Mungo since class ended. He’s even managed to make it rain to match his mood.
These wounds won't seem to heeeeal/
This pain is just too reeeeeal/
There's just too much that time cannot eraaaase.
Neville, I’m very sorry for what happened in class. Let’s go to my office,
which will not be intimidating at all.
Don’t do it, Neville! He’s going to eat you!
INT. GREAT HALL
Today, we will be announcing the participants in this year’s Certain Death
Competition as chosen by our Magical Inanimate Object with Unknowable
Criteria. The final winner will receive this lovely 100% Waterford Crystal
trophy. Looks lovely over any mantelpiece.
DUMBLEDORE announces CEDRIC, FLEUR DELACOEUR and KRUM’S names. KRUM’S FRIENDS appear to be seconds away from HIGH FIVES and MACHO BUTT SLAPPING.
Something potentially dangerous is going on, and I’m not involved at all.
This is going to be the best year ever.
GOBLET OF FIRE
Oh, ugh. Something’s caught in my stem!
GOBLET spits out HARRY’S NAME.
WHAT THE #$@%#$*@#!
Oh no. Hide me, guys.
Harry, there is no place in the world you can hide right now. Dumbledore’s head
is about to erupt like a volcano, spew his brains all over the room and cover us
in a thick layer of ash.
ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY AND AN EARLY DEATH
Ahaha! Got you now, kiddo!
INT. THE HOGWARTS RELIQUARY
I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!
You punk! You lying, cheating little punk! I am going to rip your head off!
Okay, who let Dumbledore’s evil twin out of the attic?
He has to compete; he has no choice. It’s probably a clever Dark trap. Let me
elucidate on exactly how this will play out.
You’ve certainly put a lot of thought into this.
That’s because I’ve had several months to…uh, you’re a Death Eater!
Oh, no fair bringing that up! You don’t see me mentioning your illicit
relationship with a basilisk, do you?
Regardless, Harry will compete because it is in The Rules. And we all know how I feel
about the sweet, sweet Rules that make our existence possible. Mmm, Rules.
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
Look, we pretty much all know this is a trap for Potter.
Well, of course.
I suggest we allow this to run its course. We will use Potter as bait and hope he dies…
I mean, hope it draws out his enemy.
Yes, that won’t have any unforeseen consequences.
You two have lost your minds, haven’t you?
What? Oh, please. It’s not like that boy isn’t in serious danger every year.
INT. GRYFFINDOR TOWER BEDROOM
Harry, I am going to go get a ladder so you can jump up my butt.
You knew I would want to put my life in certain peril too!
No, I didn’t! I thought you were more sensible than that!
You know I’m not!
INT. HOGWARTS RELIQUARY
Hello, all. I’m sleazy, self-interested, sensational and oh-so-smarmy.
*through clenched teeth*
Zis woman is touching me. ‘ow do I make her stop?
Ah, I can see it now. Byline on the front page. Lois Lane can eat my dust. Oh, Harry?
Might I have an interview in private? As a champion, of course. Not to exploit your
famous story and your incredible potential for pathos. Of course.
Uh, I’m really not comfortable being alone with you in such close quarters.
Oh, but it’s cozy; isn’t it, Harry?
Are you hitting on me?
Well, you’re used to spending time in broom closets under the stairs, aren’t you?
How do you know about that?
RITA SKEETER only gets CREEPIER.
INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM
HARRY finds RITA SKEETER’S ARTICLE on him.
And I really think everyone should know what an intrepid reporter I am.
If by intrepid you mean “stalkerish.”
HARRY throws the paper in the GENERAL DIRECTION of the fire.
Hey, you missed.
Oh, Sirius! Thanks for showing up for your cameo.
SIRIUS’S HEAD is on FIRE.
Is that painful?
Nah, not by wizarding standards. It’s only a severe burning sensation. Anyway,
you should know Karkaroff was a Death Eater.
Yeah, Moody’s been using him as a diversionary tactic. For some reason, every
time his tongue jumps out of his mouth, he points at Karkaroff, yells
“Death Eater!” and then runs away.
Well, watch your back. And trust your friends.
RON (Off stage)
Hey, what’s going on?
Why, it’s an object lesson! Come straight to our door!
Piss off, Ron. You ruined the cameo.
Whatever. I still hate you, and your scar, and your stupid hair, and your Quidditch,
and man, does it feel good to get all this off my chest.
EXT. THE LAKE
NEVILLE proves he is no longer comic relief by standing by HIS MAN.
Hello, Harry. I am here to engage in a ridiculous game of Telephone. Ron would
like to tell you something, but he doesn’t have the balls.
Well, you don’t. Ron would like to tell you Hagrid is looking for you, but the
Audience will think I said Hedwig.
Well, you can tell Ron-
Nothing! Don’t drag me into your pissing contest!
Okay, Hermione is asserting herself again, which means it’s time for the
conversation to end.
EXT. THE DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FOREST
Hagrid, I like you and all, but every time you drag me out here,
something horrible happens.
Well, this time there’s something special I need you to see. I also need
emotional support for my date.
’ello, ‘agrid. ‘ow are you on zis lovely evening?
HAGRID shows MADAME MAXIME and HARRY some giant boxes left over from JURASSIC PARK.
Dragons make me all tingly.
Can we get clozzer?
Why would you want to?
She wants to get closer to the dragons? Surely this is the woman for me. See ya, Harry.
Yep. I am going to die.
EXT. HOGWARTS COURTYARD WHERE PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IS JUST HANGING AROUND
Don’t any of you have classes or something?
OTHERS taunt HARRY.
Fine, maybe I won’t save everyone from Voldemort this year.
I hate you.
I hate you too.
I hate you more.
I hate you the mostest!
HARRY stalks off to find CEDRIC hanging around with more MOCKING PEOPLE.
They’re going to kill us with dragons.
Okay. Thank you. Now I feel like a total dick.
HARRY stalks around SOME MORE.
I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY!
Draco, what are you doing in that tree?
Oh, I was just talking to Cedric about the differences between perching in oak versus
plane trees. And speaking of which…nah nah nah nah! You suck!
Doesn’t that one-dimensionality ever get old?
Not at all.
Whatever. I’m going to go talk to people with actual characterization now.
Hey! Nobody calls me flat!
You’re worse than flat. You’ve taken Neville’s place as comic relief!
“MOODY” turns DRACO into a FERRET.
Tell me, Crabbe and/or Goyle, is that a ferret in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Ahahaha, “ferret in your pants!” I kill me!
What are you doing, Moody? Am I the only sane teacher left in this establishment?
MCGONAGALL rescues DRACO, much to the DISMAY of those who think he’s CUTER as a FERRET than as a HUMAN.
C’mon, Harry. Let’s go to my office. Mind my electron microscope and my
Trunk of Foreshadowing. Now tell me about how you want to fight these
dragons. What are you good at?
Actually, not that much, considering I’m the hero of this story.
That’s just to make you Everymanish. But even you have strengths other than
your ability to attract completely incompetent antagonists.
Well, I can fly well. But I’m not allowed to have a broom.
Haven’t you learned any spells that could call a broom to you?
I’m not sure. I don’t think I actually attend classes anymore.
INT. CHAMPIONS TENT – DAY OF THE FIRST TASK
WORST PRE-TEST JITTERS EVER.
Must not panic. Must not panic. Must not break down and weep like a little girl in front
of the whole school. Must not get splattered all over school by dragon, and come back as
a ghost more pathetic than Moaning Myrtle.
HERMIONE (Off stage)
Oh, God. The tent wall is talking to me. The stress has finally scrambled my brain.
HERMIONE bursts into the tent.
Oh no, you’re going to die!
Why, what do we have here? Two young lovers in perfect Harmony?
HARRY AND HERMIONE
Oh, see if I don’t misspell your name in my next article!
DUMBLEDORE, CROUCH, KARKAROFF and MADAME MAXIME (with a totally new color of MANIC PANIC in her HAIR) bust in, preventing any further NAME CALLING.
All right, everybody. Time to…Hermione, how did you get past our security?
What, the rope?
Everyone will be assigned a dragon from which to steal an egg. Harry gets the
most difficult dragon to fight because he is the hero and needs to have
the biggest accomplishments.
So is there an outside chance of anyone but Harry winning this Tournament?
Dumbledore gave me a cannon! This is the best Christmas EVER!
OTHER CHAMPIONS fight their DRAGONS with various UNKNOWN METHODS. HARRY sits around and tries not to PANIC.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Harry Potter and
his amazing survival trick!
HARRY lets the DRAGON chase him from HIDING PLACE to HIDING PLACE for much longer than necessary.
Okay, Harry. Now would be a great time to call the broom. Sometime TODAY!
Okay, Firebolt! Come to me so we can…well, fly in circles around its head.
Okay, maybe this strength doesn’t do me a lot of good as long the
dragon is hovering over that egg.
The DRAGON snaps its CHAIN.
Hmm, an unfettered dragon surrounded by under-prepared children. Maybe I
should have thought this out a little better.
LUCKILY, the DRAGON decides that the FAST-MOVING, DIFFICULT TO CATCH HARRY is better than the IDIOTS SCREAMING IN THE STANDS and chases HARRY out of the stadium and around the CASTLE.
Okay, both the champion and the dragon have left the arena. Now what?
FIRST TASK CROWD MEMBER #2
Well, we could admire the lovely rocky crag setting. Someone put a lot of
work into it, after all.
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL falls for the same TIME WASTING TRAP as PREVIOUS DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS and feels it necessary to add further DANGER to an ALREADY DANGEROUS situation.
Seriously, why do I have to hang off the edge of the building? Was being chased
by a dragon not frightening enough for you? I am going to bank on the hope
that this dragon is dead stupid.
Hmm, a hole I cannot pass through. How ‘bout that?
DRAGON doesn’t even try to AVOID the BRIDGE. HARRY makes his way back to the RESTLESS CROWD.
Um, hey, guys. I just wrecked the roof and pretty much destroyed a bridge.
FIRST TASK CROWD
Doesn’t anyone care?
Why do you think I installed all that superfluous architecture last year?
INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM
Okay, everyone: who wants some EASTER CANDY!
HARRY opens his GOLDEN EGG to discover it does not contain DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE, but a recording of YOKO ONO.
Dude, Harry. Turn that down.
Are we not trading insults anymore?
I love you, man.
Oh, just kiss and make up already!
INT. GREAT HALL – BREAKFAST
Oh, just look at the newspaper!
Is Rita Skeeter being stalkerific again?
No, today’s Sudoku is impossible!
I’m just glad the three of us are together again.
It wasn’t so bad. I mean, I got some character development and dignity. It’s nice
to finally have some dignity.
SUDDENLY, an OWL arrives with a PACKAGE to take it all AWAY.
Mum sent me a dress!
No, Ron. You have to wear that to the Yule Ball.
HARRY, HERMIONE AND GINNY
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, Ron!
INT. DANCE HALL
Children, we will soon be holding a school dance. Because nothing says teen angst like
not finding a date, and worrying about being stuck on the wall all night while one’s dress
is ruined by leaning against glitter and glue-covered paper star decorations, and “I
Wanna Know What Love Is” by Journey crackles over the cheap amplifiers.
…Is this a girl thing?
Inside every girl is a secret swan…
Inside every girl is an ill-tempered, violence-prone, dirty bird?
Mr. Weasley, if you’re not going to listen to my speech, I will have to take even more
of your dignity away. Come up here and dance with me.
NEVILLE endears himself to every FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER by being the only boy who wants to DANCE.
INT. PEOPLE HOOK UP
HAGRID and MADAME MAXIME attempt to flirt and it’s CUTE.
*in David Attenborough voice*
Here we see the Hagrid attempting his courting dance with the first of his kind that’s he’s
ever seen. Notice how he stores food in his beard to lure in a potential mate.
KRUM runs around in front of HERMIONE while followed by a GAGGLE of GOOSEGIRLS.
Hey, Harry, look! Girls!
INT. GREAT HALL – STUDY HALL
SNAPE engages in some PHYSICAL COMEDY at the expense of RON and HARRY.
I wish a girl would go to the dance with me.
Well, you have to ASK them first.
How about you, Hermione? Bet no one’s asked you.
This would be why no one wants to go with you, Ron. And guess what? I have a date
and YOU will be forced to rely on Harry’s magnanimity!
Wow, she has gotten bitchy.
No, she’s assertive.
SNAPE smacks them.
Okay, you do realize that you are undermining any credibility you might have
as a potential villain, right?
SNAPE retaliates by MESSING WITH THEIR HAIR!
HARRY realizes that while his REAL ANGST quota is fine, his TEEN ANGST meter is on EMPTY. He gets REJECTED by CHO to compensate.
RON has even more of his DIGNITY taken away.
And then the screenwriter said, “Now he must act like a fool in front of girls!
Ahahahah!” And then I DID! It was horrible, Harry. Like I was some kind of puppet!
HARRY sees the PATIL TWINS and realizes that this SITUATION has POTENTIAL. And NOT LIKE THAT. EW.
INT. GREAT HALL – YULE BALL
A BUNCH of TEENAGE GIRLS stand around before a GIANT OPEN DOOR, freezing their ASSES OFF to show off their DRESSES.
Ah, wizards are more like Muggles than they imagine.
Well, I’ve been properly humiliated. Where’s Hermione? Maybe dissing her will
lift my spirits.
Ron, go inside. Harry, you have to lead the dance. I need you to know that I will be
living vicariously through you, so don’t mess it up!
SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE shows up.
I like pink!
KRUM shows up and stares in AWED SILENCE at his date, SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE. Well, I guess it could be AWE. SILENCE, anyway.
RON is NOT AMUSED by KRUM and SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE.
That twit stole my date!
Krum stole Hermione?
Er, yeah. That’s the ticket.
I used to conduct the London Philharmonic, you know. Swish and flick!
BIG COORDINATED DANCE NUMBER!
HAGRID and MADAME MAXIME continue to be CUTE. So do NEVILLE and GINNY, amazingly ENOUGH.
Mrs. Norris, would you like to dance?
RON and HARRY end up mistreating their DATES, even after all the work they, er, HARRY put into procuring them.
CUT TO: THE ROLLING STONES OF THE WIZARDING WORLD
The PATIL TWINS are still HANGING AROUND with MR. GRIM and MR. EMO.
Ladies, it’s not like this music requires partners. Just jump around in the crowd.
SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE expects RON to act like an ADULT.
It’s all so magical!
Oh, shut up!
SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMOINE
Well, don’t act jealous if you can’t work up the nerve to ask me yourself!
Nice. And three of us had just gotten back together.
FLITWICK has gotten a little DRUNK.
And now for the "1812 Overture"! Filch! Get the cannon!
GINNY and NEVILLE continue to be CUTE.
EXT. BRIDGE #48
Didn’t I destroy this bridge?
We have lots.
Hermione, I don’t mind if you hang around with Krum. But what do you talk about?
We don’t talk very much.
Too busy making out?
NO! We don’t talk because he only has two lines!
Sooo…you don’t assert yourself with him?
Hey, I hate to interrupt, but the Second Task is in a few days. I’m going to repay Harry’s
hint to me by giving him an incredibly vague hint.
Okay, not exactly sure how taking the egg into the bathroom will make it sound like
anything other than bad nu-metal.
Maybe you should try doing something bath related with it, hmm?
Holding it in the water, perhaps?
Ah! Myrtle! Do you often hang out in boys' bathrooms?
Why shouldn’t I? I may be dead, but I’m not…dead. Well, I still have needs anyway.
Yes. Going to try my suggestion?
HARRY discovers a POEM and figures out that it’s MERMISH.
Okay, so I’m going to need to breathe underwater.
Uh-huh. Now, how about a throwaway hint about Polyjuice Potion
before I snuggle up to you?
My actress is also 40 years old.
Okay, REALLY creeped out now.
Quick! How do I breathe underwater?
Harry, I don’t know everything. Just most things.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to steal your friends. Why doesn’t Neville, who just
happens to be here, help you pack up, Potter?
“Happens to be here?” But you brought me-
Hush up and help Harry find a way to breathe underwater.
Oh! I know that! Gillyweed! This has been in no way manipulated!
EXT. SECOND TASK
Thanks for the help, Neville. Better than Ron and Hermione who have disappeared
without a trace for no apparent reason.
Okay, Champions! Today you have to rescue your loved ones, whom we’ve sunk at the
bottom of the lake. That’s right, we’ve endangered people who haven’t even asked for it.
HARRY takes the GILLYWEED and promptly STAGGERS into the water.
Oh my God, I killed Harry Potter!
SEAMUS AND DEAN
LUCKILY, HARRY is not dead, but turned into the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. He quickly finds RON, HERMIONE, CHO and the BEAUXBATONS TUMBLER.
MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH
What was that?
MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH
Oh, no. It’s the Jaws Theme!
MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH
KRUM-SHARK makes off with HERMIONE. CEDRIC also shows up.
My Seiko stopped!
Well, you shouldn’t have worn it underwater!
FLEUR, however, gets grabbed by a HORROR MOVIE CLICHÉ.
I can’t just leave the other girl here! Wizards have such messed up standards;
they might actually let her die.
HARRY saves other GIRL at the expense of his WINNING. JUDGES decide that NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE warrants SECOND PLACE anyway.
So, Harry. Mine and Krum’s most important people were our girlfriends.
Your most important person is…Ron?
Shut up! Fleur’s was her sister, and I don’t see you making inappropriate
cracks about that!
CROUCH descends on HARRY.
I know I’ve never talked to you before, Harry.
That’s probably because you’re awkward and kind of creepy.
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
I know that tongue!
EXT. DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FOREST
Isn’t life grand, Harry?
Yep. Four years later, and we’re all still tromping through the Dark Forest
whenever we feel like it.
HARRY trips on CROUCH’S DEAD BODY.
Oh, for heaven’s- this is what I get for venturing outside and trying to enjoy life.
INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
HARRY overhears what is PROBABLY supposed to PASS for a FUDGE-DUMBLEDORE argument.
Harry, I’m going to leave you alone in my office. Don’t mess around with my random
rotating devices, my phoenix or my Magical Backstory Basin.
MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN
Haaaarry. You know you want to snoop into things that aren’t your business.
HARRY falls into the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.
KARKAROFF is in a TORTURE DEVICE.
Wow, wizards obviously have not signed on to the U.N.
I’m a Death Eater! I’ll give you names in exchange for freedom!
Snape was a Death Eater!
No surprises there.
I’ve heard it all before, you traitorous worm. Go to your dungeon.
Your son was a Death Eater.
BARTY tries to SNEAK AWAY.
In a room full of Ministry officials? Yeah, subtle, Barty.
Order! Order! My giant stamp demands order!
Yes, Father. I am a Death Eater! Don’t you wish you came to my
childhood Quidditch games now?
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
HARRY gets yanked out of the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.
Hello, Harry. I bet you’d like me to explain why I keep a Christmas
tree star in my cabinet.
Uhhh…what was that?
My memory which I pulled out of my head in the form of a silver string.
Um, Dumbledore? Are you going to hurt me for messing with your stuff?
Not this time. But remember, Harry: I’m watching you.
Uh, so…dead body?
HARRY overhears KARKAROFF whining to SNAPE about his DARK MARK.
I mean, why did we put it on the forearm of all places? It’s pretty visible there!
Potter! Hold up! I just want to let you know that I’m on to your little potions ingredients
stealing ring. Try it again and I’ll use a truth telling potion on you. I know you’re
stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients.
See, there’s a mention of that potion again! But what does it mean?
This story barely involves me, so I don’t care. Just go back to being inspiring…inspiring me to VOMIT!
SNAPE slams the door in HARRY’S FACE.
Ow! My nose!
EXT. THE THIRD TASK
Okay, everyone! Please be quiet! Time for us to start! Quiet down…
EVERYONE SHUT UP!
THIRD TASK CROWD
Am I imagining things or do I spend a lot of time asking people to shut up? Anyway, the
final task is a maze. In here you will find no monsters because we didn’t have the
budget to animate them. Now, this may sound dull, but be careful: this maze just might
turn you into someone totally evil.
Look, I’m just trying to suspense it up a bit.
HARRY and CEDRIC enter the maze. It’s PRETTY DARN CREEPY.
Just keep repeating to yourself, Harry: I am not Elijah Wood. I am not Elijah Wood.
FLEUR panics and gets cursed by KRUM who is ENCHANTED. FLEUR gets EATEN by the HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW.
KRUM avoids HARRY, but attacks CEDRIC, which probably should WORRY HARRY about his FUTURE.
Now, it’s down to you and me! Will you play the hero, or will you allow the
maze to EAT YOUR SOUL?
Okay, all this sounds really stupid when we say it aloud. I will help you because
I would be rather unsympathetic if I didn’t.
HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW
Mmmmm, breakfast of champions!
HARRY and CEDRIC grab the TROPHY, though if it hadn’t been a PORTKEY, they probably would have been CRUSHED anyway.
Okay, what happens if no one wins?
PORTKEY spits them out.
Wizards seriously need to invent cars, or something that doesn’t hurt
like a bitch when you travel.
Whoa. Check out this gravestone. Who would put that over their grave?
Darling, you know what this family plot is missing?
SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE
A giant freaking Angel of Death?
Yes! Oh, darling, you know me so well. Kiss me!
SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE
Tomorrow, let’s go out and buy the largest, creepiest Angel of Death
tombstone we can find!
We have to get out of here.
Why? You don’t want to hang around in a graveyard?
No, it’s May! Time for Voldemort’s annual utter failure to kill me!
WORMTAIL and BABY VOLDEMORT appear.
None of that! I didn’t even try last year! Wormtail, kill that guy and
prepare for the spell!
WORMTAIL pins HARRY and dumps BABY VOLDEMORT into a cauldron.
Today, we are making fresh, braised Lord Voldemort. It’s very simple to make, actually.
It just requires you to kill or maim a few people. First we take the bones of the father.
Then we add a little wine. Next, we need the flesh of a moronic flunky and ARRRRGH.
T-time for a little more wine. Finally, blood from an unwilling enemy. That would be
you, Harry. Would you like some wine?
POOF! NEW AND IMPROVED LORD VOLDEMORT! ON SALE NOW!
Ahh, I have my body again. Now to buy some Rogaine.
Can I get some medical attention?
Not yet. I want to see if you’ll bleed to death. It’ll be fun.
LORD VOLDEMORT pages the DEATH EATERS.
I smell guilt. And honey-glazed ham. Which one of you was eating before you came
and didn’t bring me any? I haven’t eaten in over a decade!
DEATH EATERS mumble VAGUE EXCUSES.
What? This is the group that terrorized and cleared out the entire World Cup camp?
There are only half a dozen of you!
Well, demonic chanting is scary.
Boys, I’m disappointed. Why didn’t you look for me? I thought our relationship
meant more to you than that.
My Lord, I am eternally loyal. I lick your boots.
Master, this mask is my true face. The rest is just a mask for the world.
Lucius, you are so full of shit. That’s why I like you. But just so you don’t all
just run away screaming, let me show that I reward loyalty. Wormtail, you
get a new hand. And some cheese. Good job.
Okay, guys. I sort of forgive you because I’d have to kill you all otherwise,
which would mean that I’d have to find a whole bunch of new followers. And
I simply don’t have that kind of time. For punishment, you all have to
listen to my soliloquy. Let’s start with this dead boy on the ground…
You suck! Get off the stage!
Oh, Harry, calling attention to yourself again? Guess what? I can touch you now.
LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to MENACE, but mostly just looks SILLY.
I’m not touching you! I’m not! Oh! Now I am!
HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT start YELLING.
ARGH! What are you screaming about?
This really hurts my index finger!
LORD VOLDEMORT becomes BORED.
I’m going to prove once and for all that there’s nothing special about you, Harry. We’re
going to duel. Bow to your partner. Bow to your corner. Now: promenade.
HARRY manages to NOT DIE for a while.
And now for my interpretive dance: “I flit about like a butterfly on
a sun dappled meadow.”
I’m going to kill you, Harry. Really this time. So come out and face me.
What. Ever. Big man; killing a fourteen-year-old.
LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to kill HARRY while HARRY attempts to, um, DISARM HIM.
It’s the only fighting spell I know!
LORD VOLDEMORT and HARRY’S WANDS recognize each other.
Oh my goodness! Cousin wand! Is that you?
Why, I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?
LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND
Oh, you know. I just got through a long retirement, but I’ll be back to killing and
maiming by the thousands before you know it. And yourself?
I was sitting in a box until a few years ago.
LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND
Ouch. So sorry.
HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT get caught up in a SHINY GOLD WEB of WAND GOSSIP.
Don’t do anything! He’s mine!
We don’t think there’s anything we could do.
GHOSTS fly out of LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND.
Welp, I’m a ghost. I couldn’t have looked after Chillingham Castle or
Old Soar Manor, could I?
GHOST OF CEDRIC
Harry, I would appreciate it if you would take my body with you when you escape,
and not let the Death Eaters do anything nasty with it.
GHOST OF CEDRIC
Let’s not find out.
GHOSTS OF LILY AND JAMES POTTER
Hi, son. We’re going to jump around in front of Voldemort so you can escape.
GHOST OF LILY
Yes, Harry. Focus, or you’ll be joining us.
GHOSTS surround LORD VOLDEMORT.
Thank goodness I established the existence of a summoning spell earlier.
HARRY grabs CEDRIC’S CORPSE and the PORTKEY and BOOKS IT.
Oh, that’s it. That brat is so dead now.
You say that every year.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW
Has anyone else noticed that these things aren’t really spectator sports?
POP! HARRY, DEAD CEDRIC and PORTKEY appear.
Oh my God, it’s horrible! Voldemort and his six followers are back!
THIRD TASK CROWD
Yay, something happened!
Huh. I don’t think this was in the program for this evening.
Look at my tears! They’re nearly real! Look, dammit!
PEOPLE start to figure out something is WRONG about five minutes after HARRY shows up CRYING HIS EYES OUT.
You handle the crowd, Dumbledore. I’ll forcibly drag, um, I mean, escort
Harry to the castle.
INT. “MOODY’S” OFFICE
Could you light a lamp or something? The atmosphere is killing me.
Tell me about Voldemort, Harry. Is he dreamy?
Uh, not really.
I bet he’s a total hottie. I’ll get a poster of him for my ceiling. I bet it was inspiring
to see him dancing among the gravestones.
I didn’t mention a graveyard.
“MOODY” falls for the OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.
You moron! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
AT THIS POINT, HARRY starts to suspect something may be NOT QUITE RIGHT.
I should be going. I have…a dentist appointment.
AUDIENCE discovers that “MOODY” cannot PLAN AHEAD for the life of him.
My Polyjuice Potion has run out! I guess that means it’s time to reveal my evil plot!
DUMBLEDORE, SNAPE and MCGONAGALL bust in and “MOODY” transforms into SURPRISE! BARTY CROUCH. SNAPE pours VERITASERUM down his throat.
Wow, that’s more than three drops.
My hand is shaking. Shut up.
Why, it’s Barty Crouch! He’s successfully impersonated one of my closest friends
for an entire school year without me noticing!
Yeah, way to go.
Well, Severus, now we know who’s been stealing your potions ingredients.
Yeah. Not me.
Shut up, Potter.
THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
Hey, back to me! Who’s the evil mastermind in the room?
What have you been up to, Barty?
There’s no need for exposition now that you’ve discovered I’ve been keeping real
Moody in a trunk. All other scheming has been cut.
Just as well. I don’t want to look at your tongue anymore.
I’ll show you mine if you so me yours!
Whoa! Fourteen-year-old in the room!
He means your cut.
Are we sure he’s even talking to Harry? I mean, I have…
Not now, Severus!
Okay, okay! Just don’t start hitting me!
INT. HOGWARTS GREAT HALL
We are here today to celebrate Cedric’s life, which I will do through a long speech about
responsibility and loyalty that will contain the moral of the story.
Toward the end of the speech, the CAMERAMAN decides to check out what’s going on in the CEILING.
HEY! Don’t pan away while I’m talking! I’m DUMBLEDORE, bitch!
EXT. EVERYONE LEAVES
EVERYONE LEAVES and promises to STAY IN TOUCH, which no teenager has ever ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED.
Everything is going to change now.
Yup. I’m going to get more angsty and emotionally volatile, you are going to continue to
assert yourself all over the place, these movies are going to get even longer and darker,
and Ron…well, Ron will pretty much stay the same.
Hey, if you want to get arrested for Caps Lock abuse, be my guest.
Well, don’t scream yourself hoarse. We’ll be in touch.
No, you won’t.
LONG SHOT of the TRIO walking off into the ILL-LIT, EXTREMELY ANGSTY, and BIZARRELY PLOTTED FUTURE.