This Is Not My Life

I write letters to fictional people

2009-05-14T01:12:00Z

So, I realize that I haven't posted my feelings on Supernatural (or posted at all) in a very, very long time, but since the season finale is tomorrow night, I feel it is time to get out something that has been causing me to bang my head against the wall all season long. Especially after last week's episode.

Dear Sam Winchester,

I would like to you to take a good look at my icon and think about how it applies to your life.

No, not literally. I know you don't currently have a girl who is as wild and free as the ocean, and is contrary to what a socialized lady would be, and that's not your fault.

What I want you to think about is parallelism. Let's say there someone in your life with a vast amount of arcane knowledge and a vaguely suspicious interest in your future, like Tia Dalma there, or, let's say, oh, Ruby. Now, let's say that this person tells you a story about the current baddie and their tragic flaw. Like that story you heard about where Lilith came from. Quite illuminating, wasn't it?

Here's the important part: there are layers to this story. Trust me, they're there. I want you to go sit in the corner and think about this for a little while before you go running off half-cocked like you're an early seasons Dean or something. Once you've done a little thinking, you may find yourself saying, "Hey! This road of good intentions looks very familiar!"

To which the rest of us will say: Yeah. How 'bout dat.

Movie Review: Watchmen

2009-03-10T00:07:33Z

Watchmen is sometimes great*, sometimes good**, sometimes meh***, and sometimes pretty awful****.

There. Isn't your life just that much better now?

*The opening credits sequence
**Jackie Earle Haley
***Any scene between Dan and Laurie where Malin Akerman and Patrick Wilson refuse to act
****Ozymandias, and I really have no idea where to place the blame for this

Computer R.I.P.

2009-01-23T17:58:33Z

Friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a very special piece of machinery. I met her back in the year 2000, when she was called EVADNE. Yes, she had that name even before I did. It would be the first of many names she would hold, including LUNA (to match the other two computers in the house, MOTHER EARTH and SOL) and AURORA (because I eventually name everything Aurora).

I had known other computers before her, but in their hearts, they had always belonged to someone else. Sure, I could play my adventure games (e.g., 1001 Ways to Kill Yourself) and look up The Pretender fanfiction on them, but I knew they preferred my mother’s genealogy programs. EVADNE was the first computer to love me for me.

We had some great times together, especially back in my college days. I introduced her to Napster, before he sold out. I wrote my first idiotic fanfiction on her, and I still have that file, converted from WordPerfect to Word, to this day. We got involved in some viral trouble back in 2002, but I got her into detox before it was too late.

I admit now, at this late date, that I had a fling with a laptop (the aforementioned SOL) in 2003-2004, but she was always my first love. It’s just that shouldn’t could travel with me, even if I wished she could. Also, she couldn’t play DVDs, but that tiff ended when I bought myself a DVD player.

She was never the fastest computer, and she always had memory problems, but when that mysterious virus struck her down, we were all so surprised. Despite her limitations, she fought a long, hard battle, and if it hadn’t been for the failure of the Function keys, she may still have pulled through. Alas, it was not to be.

Her gritty grey box monitor, her three-minute boot time, her Zip Drive: I will miss them all. But she will not disappear from this earth in its entirety. Her parts will be recycled, and someone else will someday use a computer comprised of her parts. Perhaps even me. (Though not this next computer, because that’s already ordered.)

Goodbye, old friend. Godspeed.

Do you hear what I hear?

2008-12-11T22:58:11Z

When someone said to me the other day, “Oh, your name is Noelle? You must have been born at Christmas!” (NO), I knew it was about time for me to break out my yearly rant about how much I hate Christmas music. Enjoy my vitriol!

This year, I need to start with a song I can’t believe I’ve never mentioned before: “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” a.k.a., the Most Annoying Song Ever. I call it that because, while a really bad version of another song may be worse than a “good” version of this song, a bad version of “Two Front Teeth” can blow any other bad song straight out of the water. Seriously, a bad version of this song can make the Alvin & the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late” seem a joyous auditory experience.

Why does this song suck so much? Is it the fact that it’s almost always sung in a grating falsetto by a dude who has not lost any teeth in over 30 years? Is it the fact that when it is sung by a child, I always picture an obnoxious, mugging child actor who will never get a job past puberty? Is it because the song’s tone makes me want to tell the little brat that the Tooth Fairy is his parents, and, oh yeah, guess what? SANTA IS TOO! Mwahahahaha. Is it because my heart is cold and dead as a shriveled peach stone and I can’t appreciate the joy and magic of Christmas?

Possibly. But the other things are probably true, too.

And just because I love you, here is the Alvin & the Chipmunks version of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." I know this may make it look like I hate you, but believe me: there are far, far worse versions out there.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: I find the Trans Siberian Orchestra to be vastly overrated. Don’t get me wrong: they do good instrumental versions of popular Christmas carols. I just don’t find them as mind-blowingly awesome as some people seem to. Congratulations, you can play traditional tunes in a vaguely rockin’ way. Truly, this is novel blend of the new and old.

This dislike may just be a case of radio overplay, since my local station has decided that their version of “Carol of the Bells” is the only version they will be playing this year. This pisses me right off because the “Carol of the Bells” is one of those songs that always works better with the words. Not because of the lyrics (I am not about to claim that “ding dong, ding dong, that is their song” is lyrical genius), but because of how they are sung. You need lots of people singing over and with each other for a really good version, and I miss that in the Trans Siberian Orchestra version.

I can’t find a truly crappy version of this song on Youtube, so just turn your radio on. Something by them will be on at any second.

Another song I that is driving me crazy this year is “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I think we need to address what makes something a Christmas song. Does it have to be written for Christmas? About Christmas? Is simply referencing Christmas enough?

I have asked myself this question about other media in the past, specifically a “Christmas collection” of Charles Dickens stories. That book had one story that was actually about Christmas (I’m sure you can guess which one). Another was technically about New Year’s Eve, so I was willing to give them some leeway on that, but the last story was about an entire year. Only a single scene took place at Christmas, which I felt was pushing the definition of Christmas story-ness.

Anyway, back to Dan Fogelberg. This song takes place on Christmas Eve, but it’s really not about Christmas. It really could take place at any time of year, as it’s pretty much about getting drunk. In that respect, it does make a clever reference to “Auld Lang Syne,” as that song is about drinking in times of joy, and this song is about drinking because you suck at relationships. It’s one of those emotionally manipulative songs where you’re supposed to feel sorry for the characters, but just end up hating everybody for being so unable to get on with their lives that they’re sitting in a supermarket parking lot getting drunk with their high school sweetheart. I suppose I’m feeling generous enough to admit that at least it’s not twee, unlike that ridiculous “Christmas Shoes” song I hated on last year.

Here’s a video of Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Auld Lang Syne” where the creator seemed to take the drinking theme to heart by warping every shot into this weird beer goggle like mess.

Phew. I’m actually feeling much better about Christmas now, though that may just be the fact that I’ve gotten about 90% of my shopping done already. Regardless, I'm so mellow that I'm ready for any jokes you might have about my name. Fire away.

Happy Holidays, and may all your Christmas songs be the good versions!

Movie Review: Quantum of Solace

2008-11-18T21:27:15Z

I was having a tough time writing the review I wanted for this movie, so I decided to cut out the long blocks of text that just weren’t working and went with what I know.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE: NUTSHELL EDITION

FADE IN:

THINGS EXPLODE for about fifty minutes, completely distracting the AUDIENCE from the fact there’s no ACTUAL STORYLINE.

SUDDENLY the plot appears:

BUG-EYED BAD GUY
Soon I shall possess 60% of Bolivia’s water supply! Mwahahahahaha!

JAMES BOND
Whatever. Tell me about the organization formerly known as SPECTRE so I can get my revenge from the last movie.

BUG-EYED BAD GUY
Huh. Okay, how about you, Bond Girl? You’re Bolivian. Surely you care?

BOND GIRL
Hey, if anyone needs me, I’ll be over here killing this general.

BUG-EYED BAD GUY
Well then, MI6? You guys interested?

M
Not really, no.

BUG-EYED BAD GUY
The Americans?

PORNSTACHED CIA DOUCHEBAG
Is there oil involved? If not, no.

FELIX LEITER
I’ve spent so much time looking disgusted, my face has frozen this way.

MORE THINGS EXPLODE, and BUG-EYED BAD GUY dies for the having the temerity to attempt a plot NO ONE CARED ABOUT.

THE END

That pretty much sums up my feelings, perhaps a little more negatively than I’d like, so I’d just like to add a few more points.

1. If you haven’t seen Casino Royale since it came out, you might want to watch it again, since Quantum of Solace follows immediately after.

2. The opera scene is a great set-piece, and I’m not just saying that because Daniel Craig is in a tuxedo.

3. The action is amazing, even if it is of the bone crushing, wince-in-your-seat kind. It is, however, cut so each shot is about two seconds long, so if you’re prone to vertigo, you might not want to watch this on a big screen.

Tell me I'm not crazy

2008-11-18T04:12:27Z

Christian Slater used to be hot, right? I didn't just conjure that out of the fevered imagination of early adolescence, did I?

Because, seriously, his forehead in That Show That's About to Be Canceled Because They Did the Big Reveal in the First Episode Like Total Morons is freaking me right out and making me doubt my perception of movie history.

I really have no good icon for this

2008-11-05T14:05:07Z

YES!

Vote

2008-11-04T00:47:28Z

Why, hello there.

I made myself a promise way back when that I would start posting more often, but October turned out to be a roller coaster of a month (in the space for four weeks, I was in eight different airports; it sucked). I am still not full recovered.

But, I would be remiss if I didn't exhort my fellow Americans to vote in tomorrow's election. I have to say, I am very excited about the election this year. I may not be able to keep the promise I made after 2000 not to watch any election coverage until the next day. I mean, everyone's been getting into the spirit:

Taken by my good friend priscillapuck on our Vegas vacation.

There are actually several "reasonable" explanations for this, but really, it's better if you just savor the non sequitur.

Are you going to be less involved than that? I certainly hope not.

Project Runway

2008-09-11T02:26:36Z

On one hand, my least favorite person is gone. On the other, WTF.

frysquint

2008-09-04T02:18:07Z

Okay, so what's with all these "Election Spoilers!" cuts I've been seeing all over (aka, two) the place?

Are there people people who absolutely don't want to know who the candidates are until they walk into the voting booth on November 4th?

I suspect democracy was not meant to be run like a television episode premier.

P.S. Remember to register to vote before your state's deadline.

Bizenghast Volume Five and Novel

2008-08-15T22:30:58Z

So, I know there are Bizenghast fans who read my journal, so I just wanted to mention that volume five came out a few weeks ago. I shamefully admit that I just got my copy a few days ago, so I haven't given it a thorough going-over.

At first glance, I have to say I'm surprised at how slowly the books are coming to their climax. This isn't a bad thing, let me say, especially since book five focuses on Dinah's development following Vincent's death. The book is solid character development, but it doesn't bring the plot much further along, so if you're anxious to find out what's disturbing the Mausoleum, you'll have to wait a little longer. It does have mud wrestling, evil cults and dead fish/mp3 players, however, so that's a plus.

Also recently released was Bizenghast : The Novel, a fine novelization of Bizeghast One by Shawn Thorgersen. Also included at the end is a bonus chapter written by myself, so if you're a fan of Bizenghast and me, please check it out.

I know, worst self-pimping ever. I am totally stoked to see my fake name in print, though.

Before They Were Stars, They Had to Work Through the 80s

2008-08-12T23:57:03Z

So, not too long ago, some friends and I had a girls' movie night with Dirty Dancing and a cute movie I had never seen before called Shag*. The copy of Dirty Dancing was a little old (as in, from when the movie was released on VHS the first time), so all the previews were ancient, and the commercials managed to encapsulate everything that was wrong with the 80s. But one commercial caught our attention because of who it featured.

It was a Mountain Dew commercial from the days before their marketing firm decided that their particular lemon-lime soft drink was EXXXXTREME, so it wasn't quite over-the-top enough to deserve a second look. So, why did we have to rewind the tape to watch it several times? Shirtless Brad Pitt, of course.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "Eva, you can see Brad Pitt shirtless in any number of quality movies." And you're right. But where else can you see shirtless Brad Pitt wake-boarding behind a horse? No where, that's where.

Sadly, there is not a copy of this ad available online, or I would totally be embedding right now. Instead, have a '89 Pringles commercial with shirtless Brad Pitt:

*Don't look at me like that. Shag is the official dance of South Carolina, and that's what this movie is about. Dancing. Though, I admit that if, like me, you learned a different definition of "shag" first, it adds an extra dimension of comedy. Especially since they talk about shagging at least once a scene, and two of the main characters enter a shag contest.

It helps to be secretly twelve.

Movie Review: X-Files: I Want to Believe

2008-07-31T18:42:38Z

So, if you are looking for this movie to tie up loose ends from the series, explore the ramifications of the last season, or even deal with them in some sort of coherent way, you’re probably going to want to skip this movie. If you’re still a big fan of The X-Files, I would recommend waiting for this to come out on DVD, renting it, and pretending that it’s just a really long episode of the television show. Because that’s pretty much what it is.

As an episode of the TV show, though, it’s not bad. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson still have plenty of chemistry (more on that later), and the plot is pretty good. Callum Keith Rennie (who was occasionally on the TV show because he’s one of the seven Canadian actors who shows up in every show filmed in western Canada ever) plays a Gay, Russian, Serial Killer/Hacker-of-Limbs for Love (henceforth known as GRSKHLL, pronounced Griss-KILL) who abducts an FBI agent and others because they have AB- blood and he needs their organs and various sundry limbs for his husband (they’re married in Massachusetts). The FBI engages a psychic and decides that, since they’re already using unconventional methods, they might as well call off the ten year manhunt for Fox Mulder and invite him along for the trip, too.

Annnnd, this is where things fall apart in the premise. Remember the ratcheted up tension of the last season? How Mulder and Scully were likely to spend their days running and hiding from the very agency they once served? Remember the aliens? And their freaking son?

Well, forget all that. It’s not important, and shame on you for thinking that Chris Carter needed to address it. If he wants Scully to work in a Catholic hospital without even changing her name, and live with Mulder in West Virginia where the FBI knows where they are but can’t be arsed to drive all the way out there to get them (c’mon, it’s like a four hour drive to WV from DC; do you know how much gas costs now?), that’s his right. His incredibly disappointing right.

If you can get over that, you’re golden. Well, almost.

Once you get over the disconnection from the series, the movie’s biggest problem is that the paranormal aspect is shoehorned in and entirely superfluous. GRSKHLL and the limb grafting is sci-fi, but not entirely beyond average suspension of disbelief. It’s less X-Files and more CSI of the near future. So they add a psychic, pedophilic priest (Father Joe) played by Billy Connolly, but in order for his psychic powers to have any bearing on the plot, they have to make everyone else rock stupid.

For example, Father Joe’s psychic powers lead them to the car of a second abduction victim, who had been forced off the road by GRSKHLL. Except that the car has been sitting in plain sight by the side of the road for about 12 hours. I know it’s supposed to be an insolated area, but you expect me to believe that no one drove past the wreck in all that time? Or if someone did, they thought, “Huh, an obviously forced off the road car crashed into a hay bale. That’s nice,” and kept going? If a missing persons report had been put in for the woman, why had no one investigated the crash until our heroes showed up?

Another example of the uselessness of the psychic powers is the end. Scully uses something Father Joe said to her to track down where GRSKHLL and his surgeons are keeping the abducted women and our damsel in distress, Mulder. However, we recently saw Mulder track down this exact same location without the benefit of psychic help. He found his way there because GRSKHLL’s truck broke down, was stranded in the middle of the road, and we never saw anyone go back for it. Considering that Mulder and Scully started their search for GRSKHLL from the same place, why didn’t Scully also find the stranded truck? I mean, Mulder was searching after a car accident, addled, freezing cold and walking. Did the truck fairy come through and remove all evidence of a trail before Scully could get there?

In short, no one needed a psychic in this movie. The most important thing Father Joe accomplishes is testing Scully’s faith in God (because it wouldn’t be X-Files if Scully wasn’t having a crisis of faith). But even that was handily accomplished with a subplot of Scully attempting to treat a boy’s incurable disease in a Catholic hospital that for some reason has decided to allow stem cell therapy. And also forces her to do research on medical procedures using Google.

Onto more important things: namely, Mulder/Scully. Were you a fan? I was, and if you’re like me, you will be simultaneously pleased and disappointed (a pretty good descriptor for the entire movie experience, too). They’re explicitly together, but on the other hand, we skip straight to the troubled marriage part of their relationship. They went from not having sex because they weren’t together, to not having sex because they’re too tired (admittedly, Scully has a right to be tired, as she is Super-Doctor, conducting surgery by day and a murder investigation by night). I feel like we’ve missed out on the exciting parts of their lives (again, a pretty good descriptor for the entire movie). However, Chris Carter does throw shippers a bone (HINT: stay through the credits).

I also enjoyed the parallel partners of Amanda Peet and Xzibit. These two continued the fine X-Files tradition of having a believer and skeptic paired together (with the sexes reversed this time) so they can debate the merits of paranormal phenomenon and be snippy at each other. It was all going quite well, until Amanda Peet was killed off for no reason other than to prove that GRSKHLL is Pointlessly Evil (he had already lost her and Mulder, so there was no reason for him to sneak up behind her and shove her off a building. I guess chopping people up for love just wasn’t evil enough). Xzibit’s character pretty much disappeared after this, as I don’t think the writers had planned out their characters beyond their interaction with each other.

In general, I think that Chris Carter also handled the movie’s themes fairly well. The parallel stories of how far one can and should go to save another’s life run close enough for there to be ambiguity, but far enough away from each other that the line still exists. It also twisted into the ways Scully and Mulder separately and jointly try to save the world. I honestly felt it was well done.

On a final note, I just want to add that the soundtrack is terrible. Seriously, guys, it’s not the 90s anymore. You can’t create a score by letting your cat walk all over the synthesizer keyboard. And they don’t even play the famous theme all the way through. Boo.

They bus in the navigators from the women's prison because otherwise it would be too homoerotic

2008-07-29T03:10:57Z

As a quick note, I have to say that I suspect that Death Race could potentially be the worst movie ever created.

I may need to see this in person.

Movie Review: Hancock

2008-07-11T21:05:17Z

I really liked the first half of this movie, so let’s talk about that first (that’s right; you have to read the boring nice stuff before getting to the funny mean stuff).

Will Smith plays his standard 4th-of-July-Character (named Hancock this year), with the added bonus traits of superpowers and a drinking problem. Will Smith has trouble dealing with the fact that he is the only superpowered being on the planet, and tries to assuage his existential angst with vast amounts of liquor and massive property damage. Perhaps not the best way to deal with it, but at least it’s not crappy poetry, right?

Into his life comes Jason Bateman, playing Michael Bluth if the rest of the Bluth family were occasionally altruistic drunks with the ability to fly, who believes strongly in Will Smith’s ability to put aside the alcohol and angst, and become a true force for good in the world. He uses his PR training to improve Will Smith’s public image and his boundless optimism to convince Will Smith that world wants to love him.

I just want to point out for a second that, though I was being mocking, I don’t really mind that both Will Smith and Jason Bateman are playing the same characters they always do. They’re both good at their type, and I would be honestly disappointed if I went to see a Will Smith movie in July, and he was playing a soft-spoken accountant who loves puppies and thinks that wise-cracks are a conversational refuge for those with nothing substantial to add. Jason Bateman is the quintessential nice guy on-screen, and I like that. If Smith and Bateman are disappointed with typecasting, it’s their problem, not mine.

Charlize Theron plays Jason Bateman’s wife, the last important character in the movie, though, unfortunately, in the good half of the movie she exists only to cast foreshadowy aspersions on Will Smith and tote around the “Hi! I’m so adorable!” child. This is a pity, because what goes wrong with her character in the second half isn’t her fault; it’s the screenwriters. But I’m skipping ahead.

So, to wrap up the nice half of this review, Hancock starts out with a really good premise and a pretty good execution. After all the comic book movies we’ve be getting recently, and will be getting in the future, it’s a good anti-superhero (not anti-hero, mind you) antidote. Will Smith and Jason Bateman are funny and engaging, and you can really see Will Smith’s character dealing with his bitterness and antipathy. Of course you know that Will Smith is eventually going to improve as a superhero and, um, human being, but his first attempts are hilariously stilted. He’s uncomfortable in his new role as a “real” hero, but not so much that it becomes an embarrassment squick (and I have a really refined squickometer). It’s a good progression, and I only wish it could have continued, because it’s right at this point that movie starts to go downhill.

The problem with the second half of the movie is the major tone shift. Or rather, tone shifts. It starts with the introduction of the movie’s “supervillain” at the end of Will Smith’s first hero scene, though this will by no means be the lowest point in the movie. Will Smith has been called to stop a bank heist through the power of a competent action sequence, and up until we meet the “supervillain,” it’s a very good scene. All the characters in the movie up to this point have been average people, even Will Smith. They don’t have the posturing or weird personality quirks that you find in comic book characters.

But the new bad guy is totally a comic book character, and in a universe full of normal people, he comes across as really, really jarring. Not only does he speak with a strange cadence, but he gives a ridiculous “Ha ha! I am so clever, you foolish superhero!” speech. And my biggest problem with him is that he’s a gigantic moron. He’s holding a dead man’s switch that will blow up hostages, and giving his huge list of demands, and all the while Will Smith is preparing a circular blade to cut his hand off. I mean, it takes Will Smith an entire minute to build the blade, and the idiot keeps talking. I’m sitting there thinking “Does he not see where this is going?” Of course, the bad guy then ends up with a hook for a replacement hand, cementing his place as a Gimmicky Villain.

If he was a parody of supervillains, I wouldn’t have minded so much, but judging by his competency at the end of the movie, I suspect that, even if he started out a parody, the screenwriters decided to play him straight by the end. He successfully recruits two thugs, causes a riot at a prison, escapes from prison, plans his revenge against Will Smith around a carefully chosen time and plot point, and almost gets away with it. That crosses the line of parody into actual use. Given the anti-superhero movie tone of the first half, I think this was a wasted opportunity.

However, all this pales in comparison to how drastically things change around Charlize Theron’s character. A problem with the first half of the movie is how underutilized she is. I mean, it’s Charlize Theron. You don’t waste a star like that (unless you’re filming Aeon Flux, of course). So, it’s no surprise that she’s important in the second half. In fact, it’s not even a surprise that she’s also superpowered, as that was competently foreshadowed in the first half (though, if they hadn’t shown clips of her with superpowers in the trailers, perhaps it would have been a better reveal. Just a thought).

The surprise is how badly they handle her superpowers. The reveal itself is pretty good, but in the very next scene when her backstory is expanded, she’s in this super-villainess-vixen makeup and costume, and acting like a bad guy for no apparent reason. It’s like a scene from My Super Ex-Girlfriend was randomly cut into the film. Then there’s a big, property damaging fight scene, which ought to show that she’s just as irresponsible as Will Smith was at the beginning, but the implications of this are entirely ignored, as if we hadn’t spent the first half of the movie expanding on why acting like a superpowered asshole was wrong. And then, just as quickly as this part of the movie began, it ends, and she’s a totally rational person again.

WHUT

When they finally get around to the reasons she was fighting him, the fight scene becomes totally unnecessary. Before the explanation, she goes on about how he wasn’t going to hurt her anymore, so you’d think there was bad blood between them. But no! It’s stupider than that! You see, Charlize Theron and Will Smith are married immortals who become mortal when they’re together. When they start to become mortal, other people try to kill them, because their lives just suck. Charlize Theron is more powerful than Will Smith, but she’s always the one needing protection because Will Smith is the Designated Security Guard of the Gods. The last time Will Smith got beat up while mortal, he lost his memory, and she went away to keep them both safe and immortal. Now that they’re near each other again, they’re becoming mortal.

The explanation makes some vague sense as an origin story, but that means that they had a gigantic fight because…she wants him to be safe? Huh? Couldn’t she just explain this and not destroy downtown L.A. and reveal herself to Jason Bateman? She seems to recognize that beating him up isn’t going to make Will Smith go away without an accompanying explanation, but she does it anyway.

Once the whole origin story comes out, the movie can no longer decide if it wants you to be sympathetic with Will Smith and Charlize Theron or Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman. Jason Bateman’s character sort of fades into the background as Charlize Theron and Will Smith make eyes at each other and worry about Hook-Handed Dude’s big revenge attempt. The big sacrifice of the movie isn’t for the world or L.A. or even friends and family, but for each other. Charlize Theron and Will Smith become the emotional center of the movie. But Jason Bateman has been established as the legitimately nicest guy ever, so they can’t just ditch him. So what do they do?

They have an epilogue. This is never a good idea.

After the Amazing Competency Switching Villain is defeated, we flash forward to one month later where everything is fine. In fact, it’s as if none of the emotional drama in the climax ever happened. Jason Bateman isn’t worried about Charlize Theron’s feelings for Will Smith, Charlize Theron isn’t worried about Will Smith’s feelings for her, and Will Smith has picked up an eagle sidekick.

See? Everything’s hunky-dory. And no couples’ therapy needed.

Honestly, the second half of the movie isn’t that bad, and it’s not like changing the tone between acts isn’t a legitimate device. However, the tone does a complete 180 from a story about a hero who’s bad at it, to a traditional superhero story. The emotional drama part of the movie seems to have amnesia by expecting the audience to accept the tone at that moment without taking into account what already happened and how we were supposed to feel about it then. There are some great scenes at the end, but a little emotional consistency through the second half would have evened the movie out.

Fanfiction: So You've Decided to Be Evil

2008-07-04T23:50:01Z

So, just in time for the Fourth of July holiday, I decided we need a little reminder from our favorite faily psychopath of how people come to together to form new countries/law systems based on the values they hold most dear.

Lord Voldemort Declares the Rights of Wizardkind

“I’ve been thinking.”

Harry Potter had never given much thought to the hating of individual words. However, faced as he currently was by a very serious, quill wielding, no personal space conceiving Dark Lord, he was giving the concept very careful consideration.

For these were words he had heard before.

“Do you agree,” continued Voldemort, completely ignoring Harry’s attempts to bury himself further in his book, “that we are currently under the rule of a tyrannical maniac bent on our subjugation?”

“Well,” said Harry, “yeah, actually.”

“Good!” said Voldemort. “Then you will agree to assist me in drafting a document to send to The Daily Prophet announcing the Death Eaters’ intentions of separating from the Ministry and possibly going to war with them should they continue to try to forcibly mingle us with Muggleborns.”

Harry gaped openly but futilely as Voldemort magicked up a quill and roll of parchment, and thrust them into Harry’s hands. “Take this down,” started Voldemort. “Ahem. ‘Sciatis nos intuitu Dei et pro salute anime nostre et omnium antecessorum-’”

“Hey! Whoa there!” interrupted Harry. “I don’t think I can spell any of those words.”

“Really?” asked Voldemort. “They don’t teach Latin at Hogwarts anymore? What is this world coming to? Okay, let’s try something else then: ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands-’”

“Wait a minute. Are you sure you want to go there?” asked Harry.

“All right, all right,” said Voldemort. “One more time: ‘Les Représentants du Peuple Français, constitués en Assemblée Nationale, considérant que l'ignorance-’”

“Seriously,” said Harry. “I don’t speak much French, but I know you just said ‘The representatives of the French people.’ What do the French have to do with this?”

“You’re right,” snapped Voldemort, snatching away what little badly transcribed writing Harry had gotten down. “This declaring thing is overrated. How about I just blow something up, kill a few people and let off a Dark Mark? Think that’ll get my point across?”

(Author’s Note: Just so you know, that was the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen. And, if you’re ever in D.C., you should A) come see me, and B) go to the Library of Congress to see the drafts of the Declaration of Independence. They’re both fascinating and hilarious because you can see the parts that Thomas Jefferson crossed out and changed. It’s lots of fun to make up stuff you can’t quite read, like: “When in the Course of human events ~~your king has the face of a dog and the brains of a squid~~ it becomes necessary for one people…”)

The Fantastic Four: Breadbox Edition

2008-04-08T01:27:06Z

So it’s not what you were expecting, and it’s not quite what I was expecting either, but, hey. At least it’s new, right?

(Author’s Note: Fantastic Four does not belong to me, but to Marvel Comics and Twentieth Century Fox. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation)

FANTASTIC FOUR: BREADBOX EDITION

FADE IN:

EXT. SKYSCRAPER OF DOOM

GIANT, LOOMING STATUE OF DOOM
I am certainly not compensating for anything.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Julian is the only the person who can fulfill my dreams of Science!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ioan, his character’s last name is “von Doom”. What does that say to you?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM OF DOOM

IOAN shows JULIAN his POWER POINT PRESENTATION OF THE FUTURE.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
…So, as you can see, I believe that random waves of energy float around the
universe, evolving life at will. There’s another wave coming, so I’d like to throw
some things directly into its path and see what happens, because that’s what
Science is. I just need your space station’s shield to do so.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Why should I lend you my space station? Your recent bankruptcy landed
you on the cover of Wired. I mean, seriously? How lame do you have
to be to end up the top story in Wired? Not even Time or Forbes?

IOAN GRUFFUDD
But we have history together!

A lost JESSICA ALBA wanders into the BOARDROOM.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Ioan, I believe you remember your ex-girlfriend, whom I shall now
rub in your face. She’s my Director of Genetic Research.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh, I get it. “Genetic” “Research.” That’s a euphemism for how
you’re having sex with her, right? Because that’s the only way—

JULIAN MCMAHON
No, she really is my Director of Genetic Research.

JESSICA ALBA
Don’t worry, Michael. This screenwriter learned from that James Bond movie
with Denise Richards and made sure I don’t say any sciencey things.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Anyway, Ioan, DOOM shall fund your project because
DOOM enjoyed watching you grovel.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Huh?

JULIAN MCMAHON
Uh, I mean, sure. I’ve got a few billion to throw your way.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Wonderful! Let’s go, Michael. We have Science to do.

JESSICA ALBA
I guess I’ll just go schedule a space launch then. I’m sure that falls
under my job description.

JULIAN MCMAHON
No, that’s the job of the Director of Space. Now, walk
away slowly. DOOM enjoys watching your pert butt.

EXT. LAUNCH PAD OF DOOM

CHRIS EVANS is a RECKLESS DOUCHEBAG.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I don’t even get to pilot the spaceship? I don’t see how this could get any worse.

CHRIS EVANS
Hello, ladies. Feast your eyes on the Male Eye Candy.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Well, I was wrong.

JESSICA ALBA
Behold my Boobs of Science!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Science? Where?

JESSICA ALBA
Ugh! Ioan, you never pay any attention to my finer attributes.

IOAN GURFFUDD
But look at these unstable molecules!

CHRIS EVANS
I like your attributes.

JESSICA ALBA
You’re my brother!

CHRIS EVANS
I’m a licentious manwhore. I don’t discriminate.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
For the love of God, can we go to the space station now?

EXT: BAD CGI SPACE STATION OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes, all internationally renowned billionaires with companies to run
go on extremely dangerous space missions.

JESSICA ALBA
I used to be Ioan’s girlfriend, in case you forgot.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Forgot? Heck, I’ll be reminding everyone as often as possible!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I came up here to get away from the backstory! I’d rather hang out
with Chris in the space garden than listen to this again!

CHRIS EVANS
Jessica used to date Ioan, in case you forgot.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I give up.

INT. EARTH VIEWING WINDOW OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
Jessica, I love you deeply, and I swear it’s not just because
you used to date Ioan and I took you away from him.

JESSICA ALBA
(thinking)
Hmmm, I wonder what Ioan is doing? Probably not thinking about me.

JULIAN MCMAHON
I mean, yes, that was the original motivation, but I think
I may actually have genuine feelings for you.

JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
I wonder what he is thinking about?

JULIAN MCMAHON
I think I’ve been clear about my interest in you, and I’m
pretty certain you return my affections.

JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
Probably that harlot, Science.

JULIAN MCMAHON
What I’m trying to say is, will you marry DOOM?

JESSICA ALBA
Huh? Where did this come from all of a sudden?

EXT. AN OCTOPUS’S GARDEN IN SPACE

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I wonder what Ioan thinks these plants will evolve into once they’re exposed to
cosmic radiation. I just hope it’s not man-eating plants named Audrey.

COMPUTER
Warning! Plot contrivance approaching the station!
This is your completely useless nine minute warning!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Holy crap, I was off by entire hours! Michael, you have to get back inside!
The storm is literally right behind you!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wow, I have no idea why I didn’t see that giant,
red, cosmic storm coming directly at me before now.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Oh no! I must close the shields!

JESSICA ALBA
But Ioan and Michael are still out there. Oh, and, my brother too.

JULIAN MCMAHON
There’s no time. Plus, I have to establish myself as heartless after
I nearly showed some sort of emotion for you.

JESSICA ALBA
God forbid you have any depth!

JULIAN MCMAHON
I know!

JESSICA rushes to help OTHERS, while JULIAN is SELFISH and EVIL.

COSMIC STORM
Hi, everyone! Sorry I’m early. I brought wine, though!

CAST
OWWWWWWWWW!

COSMIC STORM
Well, if you’re going to be like that! I’ll evolve you in a jiffy and
be on my way. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.

IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS turn RED as the screen goes BLACK.

INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM

CHRIS is a DOUCHEBAG who knows how to use DRAMATIC IRONY.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha, ha, ya jerk. Is everyone else okay?

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’ve discovered that early graying is a product of evolution!

JESSICA ALBA
It appears that being hit by cosmic energy doesn’t actually
do anything. No idea how we got off the space station, though.
I mean, it could have been Julian, but he’s evil and selfish.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
How could I have calculated wrong? I’m a genius.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Look, we’re alive. So, let’s focus on the important things, like
your romantic subplot with Jessica.

INT. EXCUTIVE BOARD MEETING OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
I don’t have to stay in quarantine with everyone else because I’m rich.

MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
We’re going to threaten you for losing money, Julian.
Your obviously evil menacing glare means nothing to us.

INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM

CHRIS EVANS
I may not be rich, but there’s no way I’m staying in quarantine.

SEXY NURSE
You shouldn’t exert yourself before we know you’re healthy.

CHRIS EVANS
Baby, you’re not here to set down rules. You’re here for me to flirt with.

SEXY NURSE
That’s true, but let’s pretend I have authority for a moment,
and let me take your temperature.

CHRIS EVANS
Me and the snowboard I apparently decided to bring with me on the dangerous
space mission are hitting the Alps, honey. I could hit that later, if you want.

SEXY NURSE
Your temperature is at an inhumanly high 209 degrees,
so obviously, I should just let you go snowboarding.

CHRIS EVANS
Why don’t you come with me?

SEXY NURSE
Even smarter!

They go snowboarding and CHRIS lights on FIRE while going off a CLIFF he really should have SEEN COMING.

INT. PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
This scar from the accident is ruining my image.

LACKEY
That scar is totally sexy, sir.

JULIAN MCMAHON
I also appear to have picked up the ability to manipulate place settings.

LACKEY
Also totally sexy. And useful at dinner parties.

JULIAN MCMAHON
But will it win me back Jessica?

LACKEY
Why Jessica? You could have any woman you wanted. You could have me.

MEANWHILE:

IOAN GRUFFUDD
…and then they asked me to be in Fantastic Four!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha ha! I can’t believe I’m in this movie!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I can’t believe I’m in this movie!

JESSICA ALBA
I totally believe I’m in this movie!

SUDDENLY, the plot catches up to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh man, I better leave you two alone, so I don’t throw up all over your romantic subplot.

BACK IN THE PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM:

JULIAN MCMAHON
That champagne bottle is staring at me.

CUT BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION:

JESSICA ALBA
So, Ioan, do you still have the hots for me?

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I bet you and Julian have lots of hot threesomes with Science.

JESSICA ALBA
I’m trying to make you jealous, and all you can think about is your precious Science!
You make me feel so invisible sometimes!

The MAIN PLOT decides it doesn’t want to play SECOND FIDDLE to the ROMANTIC SUBPLOT anymore and turns JESSICA literally INVISIBLE.

JESSICA ALBA
See how many levels this movie has? We have subtle metaphors!

SUDDENLY, CHRIS bursts into the room.

CHRIS EVANS
I’m on fire!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Johnny Cash you are not.

They discover that FIRE, INVISIBILITY and STRETCHINESS are apparently COSMIC POWERS, proving that the COSMOS really aren’t all that POWERFUL.

MEANWHILE, JULIAN and MICHAEL get the short end of the STUPID POWERS STICK.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
This movie has given me indigestion!

The OTHERS desperately try to open THE DOOR because a CONVENIENT BODY MASS READOUT, available in all QUALITY HOSPITALS, shows them that his MASS is increasing RAPIDLY.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I know how to open the door! I’ll have a dragged out CGI stretching moment.
What do you mean, Michael is dying?

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Screw this!

MICHAEL goes off to find someone who actually GIVES A DAMN about his HEALTH.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Hey, what’s with the monstrous creature sized hole in my wall?

JESSICA ALBA
We’re all reacting weirdly to the cloud, Julian.
Have you been experiencing anything weird?

JULIAN MCMAHON
NO! DOOM has definitely not been going bald and making lights flicker!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – FIRST LOCATION NOT OF DOOM

MICHAEL discovers that RIDICULOUS BODY SUITS are also considered a COSMIC POWER.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s okay, I’m entirely confident that my girlfriend will love me just the way I am.

MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Do-de-do, let me just wander out into the streets wearing my negligee.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Baby, remember how you used to say you wished I could stay hard longer?

MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Holy crap! This is not what I meant!

MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND runs away as her LADYPARTS clench up at the MERE THOUGHT.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – NEXT DAY

MICHAEL hangs out at a BRIDGE.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I can’t believe she got all upset at me when I stalked
menacingly out of the shadows at her!

A POTENTIAL SUICIDE prepares to jump off the BRIDGE, in BROAD DAYLIGHT, surrounded by PEDESTRIANS who don’t even notice.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Don’t do it, guy! Let me shout at and advance quickly on you!

The POTENTIAL SUICIDE stumbles into traffic and MICHAEL decides that the best way to save him is to cause a HUGE TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I’m sure no one will be killed in the massive pileup!

MEANWHILE, IOAN, JESSICA and CHRIS arrive on the scene.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
All these people are between us and Michael. Jessica, why don’t
you turn invisible, take off all your clothes, and do nothing of importance?

JESSICA ALBA
Can I titillate the teenage boys in the audience by turning visible half undressed?

SUDDENLY, everything is EXPLODING and a FIRE TRUCK goes partway off the BRIDGE. Our HEROES discover they can use their POWERS to contain DISASTERS, and not just cause MASSIVE PROPERTY DAMAGE.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Quick! Recycle some heroic clichés!

CHRIS protects a SMALL CHILD! A GUY dangles precariously in front of a BLUE SCREEN! MICHAEL finds a hidden reserve of strength JUST IN TIME! THE DOG is rescued! JESSICA does some stuff NO ONE cares about! MICHAEL is mistaken for a BAD GUY by the AUTHORITIES until the crowd starts APPLAUDING him!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S MAGICALLY APPEARING GIRLFRIEND
I am still not impressed.

INT. OFFICE OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
ARGH! My hand itches something fierce!

LACKEY
Would you like me to scratch it for you?

JULIAN MCMAHON
No, leave me so I can brood about how much I hate
Ioan and my newly silver colored hand.

LACKEY
How did you get affected by the radiation anyway? Did the shields not hold up?
Is Ioan actually that stupid? Or did you attempt to rescue them? But shouldn’t
that have been shown? God forbid you have any depth!

JULIAN MCMAHON
I know! Now get lost!

LACKEY
I want you in the worst way, sir.

INT. RESCUE TENT

NEWS MEDIA
You guys are so heroic! Even though it is your fault all this happened in
the first place. Now which one of you is the leader? It can’t be the
Woman, it can’t be the Rock, and it can’t be the Idiot Manchild.
Ioan must be leader by default!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Look, we’re not staying heroes for long. I’m turning us all back as soon as I call
1-800-FIX-DEBT so I can get the power back on at my building.

INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM OF DOOM

MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
Since Von Doom Industries has gone completely bankrupt…

JULIAN MCMAHON
Really? I haven’t invested in any other projects at all?

MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
…We’ve decided to fire you. This strategy totally worked for Oscorp.

INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING

STAN LEE
I’m getting another movie made! Excelsior!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I own an entire building, but only use one floor. Make yourself at home, guys!

JULIAN shows up to stalk JESSICA and have a PISSING CONTEST with IOAN.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
This is not my fault! I told you to abort, Julian.

JULIAN MCMAHON
So what? Even if I had, it would have taken the exact same amount
of time to bring Michael in! Nothing would be different!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
But I would be less wrong!

JULIAN MCMAHON
Just fix us or I’ll make your lights flicker!

IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS have a “COMEDIC” testing montage interspaced with some ROMANTIC SUBPLOT.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE OF DOOM

DOOMED DOCTOR OF DOCTOR DOOM
Hey, Julian is turning into metal! That can’t be good.

JULIAN MCMAHON
I’m going to have to kill you now because, by movie logic, it’s just
one small step from businessman to sociopath.

INT. BAXTER BUILDING

MICHAEL finds second life as a JUICER.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m going to build a machine that will reverse the cosmic waves,
because Science always does the opposite when you do it backwards!
But first, we have to show the audience how we live our daily lives.

They have another “COMEDIC” montage.

MEANWHILE:

JULIAN starts offing people LEFT and RIGHT.

SOON TO BE DEAD GUY
Hey, Julian, did you know you’re from a nonexistent foreign country?
Just wanted to drop off that plot point before I died.

INT. BAXTER BUILDING

CHRIS EVANS
I am too X-TREME to be cooped up here any longer.
I’m going to go act out like a moron.

CHRIS EVANS goes STUNT BIKING because, according to BATMAN AND ROBIN, that’s what X-TREME people do.

NEWS MEDIA
Yes! The stupid one came out! Tell us more about the team.

CHRIS EVANS
I’m going to assign us very boring, prosaic names! I’m the Human Torch,
‘cause I’m on fire, see? And my sister is the Invisible Girl because you can’t
see her. Ioan is Mr. Fantastic because he’s smart or whatever, and
Michael is the Thing because descriptive nouns are hard.

JESSICA ALBA
Invisible Girl? Don’t make me go Malice on your ass.

The OTHERS go to beat the CRAP out of CHRIS EVANS.

JESSICA ALBA
Stop acting like a twit!

CHRIS EVANS
Being superpowered isn’t all that bad! Why can’t any of you guys see that?

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Because your experience isn’t universal, doofus.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Do we have to have every argument in front of the whole damn world?

INT. STORAGE LOCKER OF DOOM

JULIAN kills a few people for SHITS AND GIGGLES and picks up a HYPER COOLING UNIT.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes! DOOM’S beers will never be warm again!

The CAMERA pans up a LEFTOVER PROP from THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK, apparently a very creepy GIFT to JULIAN from his IMAGINARY COUNTRY.

INT. THE YANCY STREET BAR

MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S life SUCKS.

KERRY WASHINGTON
I’m blind, so Michael’s frightening physical appearance doesn’t matter to me!
Neither does texture nor any potential romantic logistical problems that might occur!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s nice, but I still can’t eat or drink or sit down without breaking things.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Hi, Michael! I’m not up to anything!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s good. I’m glad you’re not trying sow seeds of discord between Ioan and me.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Yep, and that’s why I need to tell you that Ioan doesn’t love you anymore.

INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING

JESSICA ALBA
I’m wearing glasses! That makes me a scientist.
C’mon, let’s go sightseeing and rekindle our love.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
But, I have more chemistry with Chemistry.

They wander around NEW YORK and are AWKWARD with each other. They admire the SKYLINE.

JESSICA ALBA
Remember this place?

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Yes, it’s New York. We live here.

They go back to the BAXTER BUILDING and discover MICHAEL pining for IOAN.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Seriously, a planetarium? Why aren’t you trying to fix me?
Is the Pink Floyd laser show really that great?

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m sorry, Michael! The romantic subplot got in my way.

MICHAEL and IOAN have a really AWKWARD looking fight.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Despite not having anywhere else to go, nor any other options for a cure,
I’m going to storm off and never see you guys again.

CHRIS EVANS
Hey, are we splintering off? That sounds like a great idea
because I’m a colossal dumbass.

DESPERATE to keep the group together, IOAN tries his experiments on himself, because the best person to try DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS on is always the person CONDUCTING them.

JESSICA ALBA
Oh no! Your condition is even worse!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Don’t worry; a little aspirin will take care of that.

IT DOES.

INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING

JULIAN MCMAHON
By spying on Ioan’s failed attempt to fix himself, I’ve figured out what he was
doing wrong. Want me to fix you, Michael?

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wait, how the hell did you get into Ioan’s building?

JULIAN MCMAHON
Pssh, the only person between me and the lobby elevator is Stan Lee.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
But aren’t Ioan and Jessica right down the hall?

JULIAN MCMAHON
Like they can hear us over the romantic subplot. So, do you want me to heal you?
DOOM has no ulterior motive here.

JULIAN zaps MICHAEL out of his COSMIC BODY SUIT by sticking his finger in a LIGHT SOCKET.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Behold! DOOM now has the power to make lights flicker EVERYWHERE!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
What the hell kind of power-

JULIAN knocks out MICHAEL.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
Hey! I thought I made you give back that key to my building!

JULIAN knocks out IOAN and a few RANDOM PASSERS BY, for EVIL measure.

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE – I MEAN, LAIR – OF DOOM

JULIAN MCMAHON
Now, I know what you’re thinking, Ioan. Where did I get this cloak?
Well, you’d be surprised how fulfilling community theater can be.

IOAN has been frozen SOLID.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
What do I have that you want anyway? It can’t be my genius, as
I’ve either been wrong or one-upped all movie.

JULIAN MCMAHON
I want Jessica, of course!

IOAN GRUFFUDD
What, really? Geez, take her then.

JULIAN MCMAHON
Well, it really more that I object to you having things in general. Now I’m
going to blow up Chris with a heat seeking missile because I’m obvious like that.

CHRIS discovers he can FLY, which is a SLIGHTLY MORE COSMIC power than just FLAMING, but still pretty SAD.

CHRIS EVANS
How do I get this missile off my tail? I know, I’ll set a trash barge on fire,
creating a target that generates more heat than I do!

TRASH BARGE blows up.

CHRIS EVANS (cont.)
Boy, I hope that barge was unmanned. Manslaughter is not X-TREME.

MEANWHILE, JESSICA suddenly appears (or rather, DOESN’T APPEAR) at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.

JESSICA ALBA
I’ve come to rescue you, Ioan!

JULIAN beats up JESSICA.

MICHAEL, again wearing his COSMIC BODY SUIT, also suddenly appears at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.

JULIAN MCMAHON
I knew I shouldn’t have put that teleportation pad in my office!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I decided it was better to stand by my friends as a freak than to be normal and
attending three funerals! It’s CATCH PHRASE TIME!

MICHAEL beats up JULIAN.

JESSICA ALBA
How do we unfreeze Ioan?

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Stick him in the microwave on defrost for a few minutes?

JULIAN comes back for the FINAL FIGHT.

JULIAN MCMAHON
DOOM has decided that there aren’t enough innocent bystanders in my office,
so we’re taking our conclusion to the streets.

They FIGHT for awhile. It’s KINDA BORING.

FINALLY, JULIAN beheads an IMMORTAL and summons the QUICKENING.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
We have to work together to stop him!

CHRIS EVANS
Actually, why don’t you just sit back, Stretchy, and let Jessica and I handle it,
since we’re the only ones with actually useful powers.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Flame on you crazy diamond.

JULIAN turns into a METAL STATUE, just like the one at the BEGINNING, which is actually sort of SUBTLE BOOKENDING.

EXT. A NON-EXPLODED BOAT

IOAN GRUFFUDD
I got you a gasket for an engagement ring, Jessica.

JESSICA ALBA
You are so lucky I am also a scientist, Ioan, and find that cute.

IOAN GRUFFUDD
It’s sort of like marrying Science!

CHRIS EVANS: STILL A JACKASS.

EXT. WORST ENDING EVER

JULIAN MCMAHON
There will come a reckoning! There will come a SEQUEL!

AUDIENCE
Noooooooooooooooooo!

LONGEST CREDITS SEQUENCE EVER
Whether you realized it or not, you and everyone you know worked on this film.

The Federal government in a nutshell

2008-03-20T20:10:58Z

So apparently, the feds decided it was worth their time and effort to send an actual agent to my apartment,* but not to return either of the calls I made requesting they tell me what the hell is going on.

I feel this is typical.

Oh, well. If it was important, I would know by now. I just hope my neighbor isn’t a spy.

*Admittedly, I live just outside of D.C., so this was not some sort of Incredible Journey,** but I hope the guy at least got paid mileage.

** I hope you are all picturing a be-suited, be-sunglasses-ed dude traveling across the Canadian wilderness accompanied by a Labrador, a bull terrier and a Siamese cat now, because I totally am.

Naturally, I am a bit concerned

2008-03-16T03:26:36Z

So, apparently the Secret Service came to see me at my apartment on Friday.

I was at work, it being, you know, a weekday, but they left me a nice note asking me to contact an agent. I doubt it's that important, as I haven't heard anything since. However, there is this one, petty detail: I cannot think of a single good reason why the Secret Service would need to talk to me. The only person I know applying for a Federal job didn't list me as a reference.

So, guys? If you're reading this, please call. Because you are freaking me right out.

Eavesdropping for fun and profit

2008-02-16T00:45:42Z

On today's episode of "Overheard at Eva's Office":

"Well, I almost went to Woodstock, but then an opportunity to make money came up."

Book Review: Pox by Deborah Hayden

2008-02-14T19:19:19Z

On this day when we celebrate that most mysterious and ecstatic of emotions, I think we should all take a moment to give thanks for that most important discovery of humankind: penicillin.

If you don’t believe me when I say this, I suggest you read Deborah Hayden’s Pox: Genius, Madness and the Mysteries of Syphilis.

Eva Drags Out the "Politics" Tag Once Again

2008-01-08T23:47:16Z

Well, Iowa is done standing in the corner for their delegates, and my parents in New Hampshire are busy determining who will be left for the rest of America to vote for, so I guess it's time for me to make my sort-of-annual plea for political participation.

I'm doing this because I live in freaking Virginia, which isn't having its primary until February 12th, AFTER Super Tuesday (Feb. 5th). I'm going to have a choice of, like, two people. So those of you with more options better take advantage of it.

The problem with primaries is that there is so much more to know. You have to know which of the dozen or so candidates best represents you, you have to know what the date of your primary is (because we can't just have one standard date for the primaries, noooooooooooo), you have to know whether your state has an open primary (because if you don't, and you're not registered for a party, you don't get to vote), etc.

So this is my plea to get organized, do your research and vote! I don't have to tell you how important the 2008 Presidential election will be, and the primaries will determine not only who will be running then, but what will be discussed in their platforms.

A handy voting guide for those of you unfamiliar with the candidates.

It's that time of year again!

2007-12-17T01:37:32Z

In case you’re new here, I'd like to introduce you to an intrinsic feature of my personality: I hate Christmas music. I usually write an annual rant about how much I hate it, except for last year when it was 60 degrees out and Paul McCartney was not to be found on any radio channel. Luckily, this year, we’ve already had snow, and I’ve purposely been listening to the radio station that’s been playing nothing but Christmas music since Thanksgiving. That’s given me plenty of material for a good old fashioned rant!

I’d like to start with a traditional Christmas song: “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” There is a reason this song has so many “alternative” versions: the original is deadly boring. It’s pretty much someone’s tally of gifts repeated twelve times. It’s not something you want to sing while caroling in the snow. You might lose a few of the older or younger members of your group to hypothermia by the time you finish. This doesn’t even take in the implausibility of some of the gifts. I don’t want seven swans a swimming (swans are EVIL), let alone other human beings. That’s got to be illegal. (Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-RqRfG9OUQ. Bonus: features pretty much the only version of this song I can stand.)

The song that I have unfortunately been overexposed to this year is “Feliz Navidad.” I really appreciate that the radio stations are attempting some multiculturalism, but for the love of God, don’t they have any other non-English-language songs to play? This past week, while I was driving home from work, I heard this song on the radio station that plays nothing but Christmas music. As I had run out of milk (and I know you are just fascinated with the mundane details of my life here), I stopped by the supermarket to get some milk. When I got back into my car and turned on the radio, they were playing this song again. It was not the Jose Feliciano version, but that just contributes to the problem. They still played the same song twice in one hour. (Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihW56Xa3XGQ. Bonus: features animated GIFs imported all the way from your Geocities page circa 1998.)

I am also having a problem with the Eurythmics’ “Winter Wonderland” this year. It’s not that I hate the way is sung; Annie Lennox’s voice is probably the best thing about this song. It’s just that behind her is that horrible synthesizer music. Because nothing says “Christmas” like your electric keyboard’s demo track. The beginning also features what I like to refer to as “the killer is approaching” music. Frequently found in horror movies where some guy with a knife sneaks up on some poor, unsuspecting chick in a parking lot, it’s one of those repetitive, tension building melodies like so: dododododododododododo. It’s kind of a weird thing to stick into your Christmas song, unless the Eurythmics are implying that the people listening to the sleigh bells ring are being stalked by a murderous Parson Brown. Which would probably actually make me like this song. (Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHZBOpxidvo. Bonus: features art by Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light and Crap.)

The grand prize winner of my undying hatred this year, however, is “Christmas Shoes” by NEWSONG (yes, in all caps). Apparently, this song is from a movie by the same name, and has been around for years, but I was mercifully unaware of it. Unfortunately, my co-worker had to play it for me this year, because her on-line radio had decided to inflict it upon her, and she’d be damned if she was going to suffer alone. The song, if you have been able to avoid it, is about a neo-Dickensian ragamuffin buying a pair of shoes for his mother, who is dying right this moment. If I were dying, I would probably want my kid by my side, rather than hanging around in a line at Payless, but whatever. Said kid is about a ha’penny short, and the cold, capitalist cashier won’t let him buy them, so the kid drags out the puppy dog eyes and gets some cranky idiot behind him in line to buy the shoes for him. A Christmas lesson is learned by all, backed by a chorus of sappy sounding children singing in the most beseeching tone ever. This song is the type of twee that appeals to people who cry at Hallmark commercials. My eyes, meanwhile, are somewhere on the other side of the room, because they’ve just rolled straight out of my head. (Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xI-Poq39p-c. Bonus: features interior shots of the local DSW, a disembodied arm, and the ugliest shoes in Creation.)

Well, that’s all for this year. Once again, I grant you permission to mock my name in the comments. If you don’t understand, check out my username. One of those is my real name (okay, the male version of my real name). And perhaps this will give you some insight into my hatred of Christmas music.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Bizenghast Volume Four

2007-12-09T00:50:47Z

I know there's at least a handful of Bizenghast fans who read my journal.

So, have you gotten volume 4 yet?

>:D

Movie Review: Enchanted

2007-11-29T02:31:01Z

Okay, this movie has been called “Disney making fun of Disney,” but I want to dispel that notion right off the bat. It’s not really “Disney making fun of Disney,” unless “Disney making fun of Disney” has been redefined to mean “Disney being exactly like Disney always is.” Which I’m pretty sure it hasn’t. And if I say “Disney” one more time in this paragraph (starting now), I will summon the unholy specter of the cryogenically frozen head of The Great Mouse Maker Himself (I know, I know; please don’t link me to Snopes in the comments).

This not necessarily a criticism, however. The movie’s cute, funny and I loved it a lot. It’s just not a parody, exactly. I mean, it gives it the old college try, but falls a little short in the execution. Allow me to explain:

It starts promisingly for a parody: Giselle is a not!princess in a fairy tale world, who has been banished to the forest to wait for true love’s first kiss because the evil Queen Narissa thinks that Giselle is somehow a threat to her throne. Now, honestly, I would think that the threat would actually be the queen’s step-son (idiot man-child Prince Edward), and not the random chick he married, but, hey, maybe the kingdom is a matriarchy (making it a queendom, I guess). Don’t look at me; it’s not adequately explained. I think this is part of the parody attempt and not just weird plotting, but I can’t be positive.

At this point, it’s really over the top and heavy on the references, so it works as a parody of other Disney movies, especially Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Giselle and Edward finally meet (no thanks to animated Peter Pettigrew), fall in love on the spot and try to get married the next day. So, the evil queen pushes Giselle into a well that leads to New York, where there are “no happy endings.”

(As a quick aside, I really, really loved the animated character designs for the people of Andalasia. I would have much preferred for the entire movie to be animated [though I realize that would negate the entire point]. Sure, Amy Adams is adorable, but the animation looked so cool. So, Disney, if you want to do a direct-to-video sequel, Enchanted II: This Time It’s Personal, in which someone from our world falls into the animated world, I would totally rent and maybe buy it if it was in a discount bin.)

Once in the real world, the adorably clueless Giselle is rescued from the mean streets by Patrick Dempsey, the hot divorce lawyer whose character name I’ve forgotten (Robert, says IMDB, and I am eternally grateful). Giselle corrals some vermin into cleaning the apartment, has a cute, but overly long, song and dance number in the park, gives Robert advice on how to be romantic, and waits for Edward (who is wandering around New York being hilarious with animated Peter Pettigrew) to show up. And, in the meantime, falls in love with Robert.

This is about where the parody falls apart.

Disney romantic conventions are ripe for parody, and the movie tries, which I have to give it some credit for. Robert explains that love usually doesn’t happen in ten seconds flat, and maybe, just maybe, talking to someone may be a good way to get to know the person you marry. Prince Edward turns out to be a self-centered bore. Giselle attempts to rescue Robert from the queen, though it’s not really her actions that kill Narissa. Giselle also discovers lust, which I personally think is awesome. Disney princesses do not do lust. Jasmine pretended once, but even Esmeralda, a frequent object of lust, didn’t look at Phoebus like, “Yeah, I’m nailing that tonight.” Enchanted’s opening song posits that “lips are the only things that touch,” but Giselle discovers that she may be somewhat interested in touching Robert’s chest. And possibly other parts.

But the need for a traditional Disney happy ending undoes most of this, and in a major way. People don’t really need divorces! They just need to remember how their lover’s eyes sparkle! Your first kiss really is the most important kiss you'll ever have! Marrying someone 24 hours after meeting him is silly, but 48 hours is okay if you’ve had a date! But 24 hours is also okay if you’ve been dumped because the leads fell in love with each other!

It’s the subplot with Robert’s current fiancée that’s the creepiest. There’s nothing really wrong with Nancy; she’s just not a not!princess. It would be incredibly mean for Robert to leave her with nothing, so she’s married off to Prince Edward. Who’s been shown to be less than an ideal match. And I think they exchanged two sentences beforehand. And when Nancy and Edward run off to the animated world, Giselle takes over Nancy’s fashion studio (making easily marketable princess dresses for the 10 and under crowd! Visit your local Disney Store!). It’s a little weird, and maybe they just shouldn’t have given Robert a fiancée.

OKAY! That's the plot. Now for the actors.

Amy Adams is utterly adorable, and pulled off the real-life Disney princess impression perfectly. She was especially good in the big “How Does She Know?” dance number. Patrick Dempsey is really not my definition of hot, but lots of people find him so. Sorry, not a Grey’s Anatomy fan.

James Marsden continues to prove that it’s only when we can’t see his eyes that it appears that he can’t act. Plus, he sings and is goofy, and I'm easy like that. I guess I now need a doodle of Cyclops singing “True Love’s Kiss (JEAN!)” to go with the one I have of Wolverine singing “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning (JEAN!).”

Susan Sarandon was sadly under-utilized, but really awesome looking in animated form. She was like a hipper Maleficent (who is my favorite Disney villain re: costuming [I have a lot of categories for favorite Disney villains]), and I really liked the design of her crown.

One thing I’m not sure I understand is why they put Idina Menzel in their musical and then didn’t have her sing. If it was a regular old non-singing movie, I would have understood, but pretty much everyone except the Broadway star had a few lines of music in this movie. Color me confused.

My final note is this: if you’re looking for a Disney parody, this ain’t it. However, if you’re sad because there hasn’t been a good animated Disney movie in a while, this is a good movie to tide you over until that magical day when the animation department puts out something good again.