This Is Not My Life

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Breadbox Edition: Fellowship of the Rings
Private Moon
evadne_noel
As I promised, I'm slowly putting up all the Breadbox Editions that used to be on fanfiction.net. I plan on editing them first, so it may take a while to get them all up. I'm putting up the three Lord of the Rings Breadboxes in a row because they belong together. First up is Fellowship.

If this version doesn't quite jive with what you remember, it's because I've edited it since I first put it up three years ago. It's largely the same; the changes are just cosmetic. There's less swearing and a few lines I never liked were taken out. You probably won't notice, but I thought I'd warn you.

(Author’s Note: Idea for abridgement comes from the Editing Room. The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me. It belongs first and foremost to the Tolkien estate. Though I’m sure New Line has few things to say about it.)

LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS


FADE IN (SORT OF):

EXT/INT. DARKNESS

NARRATOR
Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of
ruling the world via some rings.


SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.

NARRATOR
Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,
so there was a war.


Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks PISSY.

NARRATOR
Sauron had the One Ring and was
therefore whacking people left and right.


SAURON kicks ISILDUR’S FATHER’S ASS and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.

NARRATOR
But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward
Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped it off.


First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.

NARRATOR
Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,
but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.
The Ring was not happy with this and quickly
arranged Isildur’s death.


RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.

RING
Well, this is inconvenient.

NARRATOR
And everyone pretty much forgot about the
extremely important war.


GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.

NARRATOR
The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.

GOLLUM
Precioussss….

RING
Hoo boy.


BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.

NARRATOR
Which brings us to…Now.


EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE

FRODO
Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.


GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

GANDALF
Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I not tell you things.


FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.

BILBO
I’m going to say some vaguely disturbing things
while Gandalf engages in some slapstick.


GANDALF smacks his HEAD.

GANDALF
Let’s have a smoke.

AUDIENCE
I was gonna go research the Ring
But then I got high.
I was gonna destroy the bloody thing
But then I got high.
Now the world is in imminent danger
And I know why.
Because I got high, because I got high,
Because I got high.


EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY

BILBO
We need to make several clever references to The Hobbit.


MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.

BILBO
Now, I will make a slightly insulting speech that no one
will understand because you can barely add fractions.
God, I’m clever.


BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.

GANDALF
Oh, for heaven’s sake.


GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.

BILBO
Remember those vaguely disturbing things I said
earlier? Now I’m going to say some blatantly disturbing things.


GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.

BILBO
Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing with my eyes again.

GANDALF
Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure he won’t mind
having to keep the evil object.


BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

BILBO
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began…
Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…
BORK, BORK, BORK!

GANDALF
I’m going to wait for Frodo to come
home so I can not tell him things.

FRODO
I’m home! Why do we keep having
extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?

GANDALF
I can’t tell you that.


GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.

EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR

GOLLUM
Shire…Baggins!


The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE

FRODO
La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing
can possibly go wrong.

GANDALF
BOO!

FRODO
Me and my big mouth.

GANDALF
The Ring is evil.

RING
Hey, I am in the room!

GANDALF
You have to go. Gollum told everyone.


GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.

GANDALF
I’m going to see the obviously evil Saruman.

FRODO
That’s great. I’m sure you’ll be captured and
I’ll waste time waiting for you.

GANDALF
Hmm…You can’t go alone, so…


GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.

SAM
Ack! Gardening! At night!

GANDALF
Whatever. I need someone to obsess about Frodo.

SAM
I’m your man.


GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.

FRODO
The excessively creepy black rider is coming! Hide!

BLACK RIDER
Dammit, why can’t I find this Baggins place?

RING
Hey, you! I’m down here! Frodo, put on the Ring!


FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.

BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.

THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.

BLACK RIDER
Hey! You! Can I get directions?

FRODO
Argh!

BLACK RIDER
Wait! I need help here!


FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.

INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

GANDALF
I need your help.

SARUMAN
Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.

GANDALF
Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going
to reveal some secrets.

SARUMAN
I work for Sauron.

GANDALF
You are the wisest of the Wise.

SARUMAN
I’m evil.

GANDALF
I trust you implicitly.

SARUMAN
I’ll make you break dance.

GANDALF
You ARE evil!


GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.

EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE

FRODO
Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.

MERRY
Let’s get drunk!

PIPPIN
I see no reason why not.

RING
Those idiot Ringwraiths are lost again. Frodo, put me
on so the Eye can give them directions.

FRODO
Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.
And adorable.


PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.

RING
Score! I thought that was going to take weeks!


FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.

EYE OF SAURON
ROAR! I…My god, your eyes are blue!

FRODO
Well, I am adorable.

BLACK RIDERS
Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!


BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.

FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.

STRIDER
There’s been enough adorability. Time for some
rugged handsomeness from Strider the Ranger.

SAM
Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!

STRIDER
I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point.
We need to set it up so the audience thinks
the Black Riders are killing you, while you
are actually somewhere safe with me.


BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.

AUDIENCE
Enough already!

STRIDER
Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.

FRODO
You didn’t pretend it was Strider for very long.

ARAGORN
Well, multiple names are cumbersome.
Just ask Mithrandir.


EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT

ARAGORN
I’m going to conveniently wander off.

FRODO
I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.


Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.

BLACK RIDERS
Oh, there they are!

AUDIENCE
You guys aren’t very bright, are you?


BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.

AUDIENCE
Oh, for the love of…


BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.

AUDIENCE
Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?

FRODO
No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts, varicose
veins and start making funny noises, but I’ll still
be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.


ARAGORN manages to show up.

SAM
It’s about time.

ARAGORN
Sorry, traffic.


ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.

BLACK RIDERS
Fire bad!


There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.

BLACK RIDER
*wanders off the cliff*
Well, I’ll just be going then.


EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS

GLORFINDEL
Well, it’s just about time for me to go save Frodo.


Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.

ARWEN
Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.


ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.

ARWEN
Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.

ARAGORN
Arwen! I’m glad to see you. But, where’s Glorfindel?


ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.

ARWEN
Beats me.

ARAGORN
Oh well. Can you save Frodo?

ARWEN
Like, fer sure!


ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.

BLACK RIDERS
Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped
him for ourselves!

ARWEN
Like, come get him, dorkwads!


ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.

BLACK RIDERS
ARGH! First fire, now water! Nature sucks!


FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.

INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

FRODO
No, I hate rococo! What? Where am I?

GANDALF
Hi, Frodo.

FRODO
Gandalf! Where the hell were you?


GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.

EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.

SARUMAN
Idiot! Of course I’m evil!


But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-ASS EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.

END FLASHBACK

FRODO
Um…Gandalf? Hello?

GANDALF
I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t
tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.


3000 years later, ELROND still looks PISSY.

GANDALF
And Bilbo.


BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.

FRODO
Wow, you got old quick.

BILBO
It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things
from the beginning.


FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.

GANDALF
Now what?

ELROND
Now we will have a flashback to explain
why I look so pissy all the time.


The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND’S POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.

AUDIENCE
Yes, we know.


EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.

GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.

BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.

BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that ARAGORN obviously reveres.

BOROMIR
There, I think that establishes some
tension between Aragorn and myself.

ARWEN
Don’t let him get to you honey.
Let’s have a saccharine moment.

AUDIENCE
*pukes*


INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND

BOROMIR
I will further establish myself as trouble.

LEGOLAS
I will go on the offense.

GIMLI
I will get indignant.

ELROND
We must get rid of the Ring.

RING
Just try it, Pissy Boy.


GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.

ELROND
The Ring can only be destroyed where
it was made. In Mordor.

AUDIENCE
That’s convenient.

ELROND
So, who wants to die?

FRODO
I’ll go. I’ll do anything to stop The Ring from reciting
that damn poem over and over again.

GANDALF
You’ll need an old guy.

LEGOLAS
And my ability to be delicious without being fey.

GIMLI
AUCH! And my accent.

ARAGORN
I must go to assuage my self-doubt.

BOROMIR
Well, you need some conflict, so I’ll go too.

SAM
And if I lose sight of Frodo, I’ll panic.

MERRY AND PIPPIN
Hey, you’ll need comic relief!

ELROND
I need a security system.


INT. BILBO’S ROOM

BILBO
Do you think I could possibly, you know, see the Ring?

FRODO
I’m not sure if that’s such a good…


BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.

AUDIENCE
HOLY SHIT!

FRODO
Okay, time to leave.


EXT. PLACES THEY AREN’T GOING

GANDALF
We can’t go this way.

AUDIENCE
Well, that was a waste of time.


EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SOME ORC
What does The Eye want now?

SARUMAN
We need to create the mutant from Small
Soldiers and pull down some trees to
guarantee the animosity of the Ents.

AUDIENCE
Christopher Lee Press-On Nails!


EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE

GANDALF can’t figure out how to open a door.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.

FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.

AUDIENCE
*throws their arms in the air*


Turns out, there are LOTS O’ DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.

BOROMIR
This is not encouraging.


AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.

AUDIENCE
It’s the giant squid from
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!


GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.

AUDIENCE
That’s convenient.


LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.

FRODO
Hey, isn’t that Gollum? Too bad he’s not dead.

GANDALF
Don’t be judgmental.

FRODO
Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor
wouldn’t know we had the Ring and
all this would be a moot point.

GANDALF
Shut up. He’s some part yet to play.

AUDIENCE
*bites at the air*


GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.

LEGOLAS
Must…move…on.

AUDIENCE
Really.


PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.

NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.

CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.

AUDIENCE
Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!


YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.

FRODO gets stabbed.

EVERYONE ELSE
Nooooo!

AUDIENCE
Not again!


Filled with RAGE at FRODO’S “death,” EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.

FRODO
I’m not quite dead yet.


EVERYONE runs like hell. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.

GANDALF
Come on, today folks!


EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.

GANDALF
Aw, hell


GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.

BALROG
Screw Gandalf! Where’s this Ralph Bakshi guy?

GANDALF
None shall pass.


GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.

AUDIENCE
Wings! You have wings!


BALROG takes GANDALF out.

GANDALF
I can manage to be insulting moments away from death.


ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.

ARAGORN
Time to run like hell again.


EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

HALDIR
Stupid dwarf.

GIMLI
AUCH! I must get indignant again!

CELEBORN
I’m a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.

GALADRIEL
I’m creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting
of others’ mental autonomy and I look like
Joan Osborn.


GALADRIEL creeps out FRODO.

INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

GALADRIEL wanders by.

AUDIENCE
What if God was one of us?


FRODO follows GALADRIEL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.

FRODO
Shouldn’t Sam be with us?

GALADRIEL
Nah. Want to see something really scary?


THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.

EYE OF SAURON
Helloooo? Anyone out there?

FRODO
My life is going to be miserable, isn’t it?

GALADRIEL
You can take one friend with you, and you
still have your adorability.

FRODO
That’s true. Do you want the Ring?
I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.


GALADRIEL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.

GALADRIEL
Nope.


EXT. ORTHNAC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.

SARUMAN
Give ‘em hell in the fourth quarter!


EXT. THE RIVER

ARAGORN
Thanks for the boats!


GALADRIEL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her manicure.

GALADRIEL
Same guy who does Saruman.


MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.

ARAGORN
Look at the Argonath!

THE ARGONATH
Stop! In the Name of Love!

LEGOLAS
We need to stop so Boromir can attack
Frodo and so Gimli can rest.

GIMLI
AUCH! Indignation!


EXT. THE SHORE

FRODO
I’m going off alone!

ARAGORN
Later.

AUDIENCE
Frodo’s not too bright either.

RING
Psst. Boromir. C’mere.

BOROMIR
Hey, Frodo. What’s up? I was wondering…


BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.

BOROMIR
D’oh!


FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.

FRODO
I’m leaving. Alone.

ARAGORN
What did that moron Boromir do?

FRODO
Never mind. Orcs!


CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.

There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ass.

BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.

ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.

BOROMIR
Aragorn. I always loved you.

ARAGORN
Um…

BOROMIR
In a manly, brotherhood of soldiers kind of way.

ARAGORN
Oh, whew.


BOROMIR finally DIES.

FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.

SAM
I can’t let you leave my sight!

FRODO
Oh, for the love of…


FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.

THE MOMENT
Hi there. Have some emotion. I’ve got plenty for all.


THE MOVIE ENDS.

AUDIENCE
WHAT!? NOW?!

FRODO
Unless you want to sit through another six hours.

AUDIENCE
YES!

ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK
Hmm…I just got my tranquilizer prescription
refilled. Must be time to write another song.


(A/N: “Because I Got High” belongs to Afroman. “One Of Us” belongs to Joan Osborn. Abridgment is a relative term.)

It may be a while before I can put up Two Towers however. I'm moving on Sunday, and it's going to be hectic for a bit.
Tags: ,

down with ff.net, up with Evadne

(Anonymous)

2004-08-21 11:23 am (UTC)

i've always loved all your BBEs and when i discovered one morning that ff.net took them down, i immediatley knew what happened and its such a pity that they marked your stories for ff.net death too.

i'm so happy that you're putting them on your Live Journal though! now i can show all my friends once again your great parodies!

i've read some comments and you said that you're going to do The Village BBE, but are you ever going to get around to a Spiderman 2 BBE? as soon as i saw that movie, i could already tell some things that you would make hilarious and i was anxiously awaiting that BBE, but i have realized (now that i read some other comments) that you are very busy with moving to school etc etc. i just hope that you can make a Spiderman 2 one eventually!

keep up the good work and don't let ff.net or anyone else get you down!

~ Victoria

Hi, Victoria! I don't think I'll be doing a Spiderman BBE unless I see it again in the near future. The problem is that I saw it, took notes, then didn't have to write anything. When I went back to my notes later, I had no idea what they said. They just didn't make sense. So, unless I can translate them or see the movie, I don't think it'll happen. When the video comes out, sure.

Thanks for reading. Sorry I couldn't oblige better.

no spiderman 2 BBE? i can deal

(Anonymous)

2004-08-21 04:06 pm (UTC)

Hallo! no Spiderman 2 BBE? i can deal, it'll just be a few weeks of crying my eyes out to get over it.....just kidding :)

About "obliging", don't be thick! your other BBE's will do just fine and i can't wait until they are all uploaded so i can read them all again!

I raise my glass to you, cheers!

~ Victoria

Ack! Argh! I found your ff.net account trashed this morning and I couldn't believe my eyes. An outrage! A scandal! A...well, I'm distressed, and I hope you can get your Breadboxes up and running soon. Will there be a Crab-Boy - sorry, I mean, HELLboy - BBE on the way? Never mind, I will just be glad to have the old Breadboxes back.
cheers!
Tawa

I'm afraid there won't be a Hellboy unless I get the DVD in the near future, which seems unlikely as I am the poor. But I promise I'll have the old BBEs back up before too long. Thanks for reading!

Aw, crazy FF.net
But yay for joining the cult of LJ.

Hope your move (off and online) isn't too crazy.

I love your icon.

Heh, Lockhart. Oh no! Have I joined another cult? I am so gulible.

Seriously hilarious writing here. This has got to be the best LotR:FotR parody ever written. I bow at you.

Thank you! I'm glad it's aged relatively well (it has been three years).

Aged like a fine wine, fruity, with just a hint of oak...

I really have no idea what I just started rattling on about. Oh, btw, I kinda added you as a friend without asking, hope you don't mind. I have so few friends I just go round stealing them now. Mwahahaha!

Has it really been that long since I got obsessed with LotR? Seems longer... Oh well. Hope to see TTT soon!!

Ewwww, oak in my wine. I don't mind if you've friended me. It's not like I would let everyone else friend me and then turn around and say, "YOU! What do you think you're doing?"

Hello, this is Jessica C Potter from FFN. I've been a reader of yours for quite some time now, so do you mind if I add you? Your Breadboxes are gold. XD

Add me wherever you'd like. Glad you like my BBEs.

Of course, I already have the original FotR saved to my hard drive. I got sick of seeing Rohan spelled wrong in TTT (the "a" was missing every single time for some reason), so I saved that to my hard drive and corrected it. Then I thought "Why not?" and saved the rest.

Recently, I watched my FotR DVD. And I quoted almost every single line of this. And even when I just wanted to sit and watch the movie in piece, I just kept thinking of of this!

However, no matter how many times I read it, I just love the line "Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!" ^_^ Fun.

Of course, I already have the original FotR saved to my hard drive. I got sick of seeing Rohan spelled wrong in TTT (the "a" was missing every single time for some reason), so I saved that to my hard drive and corrected it. Then I thought "Why not?" and saved the rest.

Recently, I watched my FotR DVD. And I quoted almost every single line of this. And even when I just wanted to sit and watch the movie in piece, I just kept thinking of of this!

However, no matter how many times I read it, I just love the line "Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!" ^_^ Fun.

~C-chan

If you're all very good, I'll tell the story of the "a" in Rohan when I post Two Towers. (It's a story of fanatical love, revenge and other good stuff.) Glad you think of this when watching the movie. I am now incapable of taking FotR seriously.

yay!

(Anonymous)

2004-08-22 04:52 pm (UTC)

hahaahahhahaa! Good luck with your moving and I can't wait for the next BBE! Shire in the land of Baggins...... that never get's old! I ADORED your HP3 BBE and I hope it's up soon!

HP BBEs will be going up after the LotR ones. I'm doing the ones people like first. Thanks for reading. Hopefully, I'll have a new one up before too long.

I positively *adore* your Breadbox Editions! I've always meant to write you an e-mail of praise, but I might as well just comment. Anyway, I love them and I think they're hilarious.

I think that what ff.net says about scripts is lame, because writing scripts is as much an art as writing fiction. All of my fics are scripts as well, so it's only a matter of time until my stuff gets booted off as well. Anyway, I'm glad you're posting them here.

Would it be all right if I friended you?

I don't know why scripts are disallowed. Especially as there was a section called "Screenplays." Hope they don't boot you (they can't get everyone, can they?).

Go ahead and friend me.

Oh, I know! I don't see how they think that script format is "the same" as chat. I mean, when parodying a movie, what are you going to do, write it in PROSE? The original piece was a SCRIPT! Gah. I have many issues with ff.net on this new thing. I hope somehow I'm still passing under their radar, but you never know. I'm finishing this series I'm writing and posting it all at once, so maybe anyone who wants to read it can know the conlusion before it gets booted off.

Gar. Anyway, thanks. =) I won't always be ranting maniacally.

Oh, feel free to rant. It's better than bottling it all up and then one day snapping all over the internet. Heaven knows the terrible revengefics that have popped up from such irresponsible behavior.

Damn, I was going on your ff site for a good laugh because I'm completely depressed, and of course the have to bust ya :( *whines* I want to read all of your breadboxes so my spirit can be saved! :P Anyway, I love you..and your writing skills, I truly do. And that's just a littel creepy, of course. I hope you find some time to post all the wonderful breadbox editions soon, and have fun moving! ^_^ Moo!

Nah, that's not creepy. If you told me you wanted to have my children, now that would be creepy. Especially as I am a woman. Thanks for reading!

Damn, they got you too?

FF.net can bite my pointy little arse. Your BBEs were some of the most inspired parody/satire I've seen in years, and I'm very glad they're still up on the web. Much love.

They seem to be getting everyone. I don't know if there's a rush of reporting or what, but stuff is coming down left and right. Oh well, glad you like my stuff!

I had a panic attack for a moment there ... I was afraid that your BBE's were gone forever.
It wouldn't really matter if they had disappeared off the face of the internet, I've read them so many times I know them by heart. Pretty much.
I'm glad you cleared up that issue of the spelling of 'Rohan', but ... I, being the pedant I am, couldn't help noticing that you spelled 'Orthanc' as 'Orthnac' TWICE IN A ROW in this BBE. (Shame on you!)

I'd fix it...but I'm too damn lazy. Thanks for keeping me honest, however.

Your's is the best parodies I ever read. Love them and love ya!

not that you need my lowly, uninspired witticisms, but i've always thought that right after frodo volunteers at the council to tske the ring, you should have gandalf as saying, "i told you to wait in the car." that just always seemed to me to be the expression on his face. even so, your BBE's are the funniest things i've ever read. keep up the good work, and don't let FF.net get you down!

ps. very possibly my favorite line ever:

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.


GANDALF
Aw, hell

That is certainly an unusual favorite line ever, but thanks. And I think "wait in the car" is a good description of how Gandalf feels at that moment.

i'm not sure why it's one of my favorites; i just have a thing for understatement. UNDERSTATEMENT'S THE BEST!!! (see, it's funny cuz it's ironic. *snicker*.)

I was going to tell you all my favorite lines, but then I realized that I'd halfta quote the WHOLE THING!!!!

Heh. Thanks. I have had only one person quote the entire thing back to me. Out loud. In a car, so I couldn't escape. It was very embarassing.

It's me!!!........again..

lijz_chick

2004-09-22 05:25 pm (UTC)

I feel embarassed for you just 'thinking' about it!! K I got a quote that made me laugh till I coudln't breath....

EYE OF SAURON
ROAR! I…My god, your eyes are blue!

Seriouly was laughing my brains out!! my mom now thinks I need therepy......


Guess what? I watched Fellowship of the Ring, just so I could readd this again! Go me, cuz I don't OWN FOTR so it involved some stealing and a LOT of bribing.

Uh-oh. Illegal activities to support your LotR habit? The proper authorities will have to be alerted. Luckily, I have no idea who those would be.

Severe case of icon love happening here! That's marvelous!

Hail the Breadboxes! So glad to see they've found a home at LJ. I was mucho distressed when I heard about the script rule, because I knew they were doomed. FFN blows in many respects, that being one of them.

And yet, much like Microsoft, it's an evil we all tolerate.

I'll be adding you to my friends list, if that's okay, so I can keep tabs on the goodness of BBEs. How much begging and pleading would I have to do to get you to consider doing a BBE of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? You've done the other recent movies that I adore (the Harry Potter and LOTR films, and POTC), so that one would just make my year. If you decide to do it, I'll give you candy.

I don't think you really want me to do a BBE of LXG because I'm a big fan of Alan Moore's comic book. It really wouldn't be all that interesting, it would just be me ranting about Mina not being in charge, Tom Sawyer, and the gruding agreement that, yeah, that was Nemo. But, hey, if you want to see me rant in semi-script format, I'll add it to the list. I just need to rent it. Plus, mmmm, candy.

Ah, ff.net, why do you torment me so? Oh well, I'm glad to see you followed me over! Thanks again for reviewing.

Giving credit where it's due

kaisa_enara

2005-03-08 01:56 pm (UTC)

I've got a LOTR fic on ff.net (been working on it for quite a while and I'm almost done, THANK GOD). I was writing more to it a couple days ago, and I mentioned the Argonath looking all, "Stop! In the name of love!"

I knew I'd heard it somewhere before, but I couldn't remember where. And I read this again (I love your BBEs; can't stop reading them), and saw it, and was all, "Ohh...THAT"S where it's from...!"

Just thought I'd give you the credit, since it is yours. I'll also mention that when I get that chapter posted.

My story can be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1951137/1/. Please read it.

Re: Giving credit where it's due

evadne_noel

2005-03-10 06:07 pm (UTC)

Thank you for remembering! I'll read your story soon.

I'm actually rather glad they left Tom Bombadil out- I'm not sure a half hour of poetry would have really been much fun. Although it does leave a few plot gaps later, I suppose.

Mmm, I agree. I was rather glad they left him out. And I thought they filled any holes very well. They really only got weapons from Tom anyway.

You know what's funny (or sad, depends) is that I recognized which parts you changed, i.e. "No, I hate rococo!" instead of "No, I hate baroque!" which I thought was hilarious. :p

Good memory! As for that change, I decided I needed to be a little more specific about what was hated. Have to get these things just right.

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