This Is Not My Life

No. Really. It's not.

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Once Upon a Freakin' Time: Director's Cut
Private Moon
I've been having trouble writing new stuff recently, so in order to keep from boring you to death with memes and such, I've done another Director's Cut version of an old "Once Upon a Freakin' Time" chapter.

Severus Snape Decides to Join Dumbledore

Late one Saturday night, Severus Snape was at home because he couldn’t get a date, reading his favorite book (101 Snide Comments to Drive Your Insane Boss Insaner), minding his own business. I really hate that title, but I couldn’t think of anything better. As if Snape would actually read a book with such terrible grammar in the title. Sadly, this could not last because it wouldn’t make for very interesting fiction. Fourth wall? What fourth wall? Just as he was finishing the chapter on what to say when your employer decides to trust incompetent employees with complicated tasks (something Voldemort was famous for) Man, it’s almost as if this chapter comes pre-snarked, Snape heard a phone ring.

The hell? Snape thought, I’m a wizard. Why would I have a phone? ‘cause it makes a nice paperweight? I dunno.

Snape looked around the room quickly. Desk. Chairs. Piles of potions books. A skull with a candle melted on top of it. Snape got his before all the whiney little Goths did, thankyouverymuch. He even killed the guy and dipped the candle himself. Martha Stewart’s Living. And if a wizard wants to have a fine home with impeccable furnishings, what’s wrong with that? No phone, though. Maybe if I just ignore it, it will go away, thought Snape.

That never works. See? Kind of makes this commentary unnecessary.

“Dammit, where is that ringing coming from?!” shouted Snape. The little seen histrionic, interobang-using side of Snape. Only displayed before Harry Potter or Sirius Black. And telephones.

Suddenly, there was a flash of green sparks I am on a mission to make everything associated with Voldemort green. J.K. Rowling has made a good start, but I think I could expand his color scheme to unseen horizons. from the fireplace, and a bald, pasty, slit-eyed, snaky face appeared among the ashes. Voldemort, naturally. Used to be “natch,” but I freakin’ hate that non-word.

“Snape,” said the head of the most evil entity alive Possibly. Not all precincts have reported in yet, and 2000 taught us not to declare a winner until it was all over, “would you just answer the stupid phone? I have to talk to you.”

“But, you’re right here. And I don’t have a phone.” Except for whatever is making that ringing noise, Snape. Some pretty uncharacteristic stupidity from Snape here.

“Yes, you do. I had one installed in all the homes of my Death Eaters so I could talk to them through non-magical means. The Ministry won’t suspect a thing.” Not that the Ministry would anyway.

“Telephones?” said Snape, gearing up to use one of his new snide comments. Good thing he doesn’t get the chance. I suspect whatever snark he picked up from such a badly titled book would be pathetic. “That’s…” Snape paused, “…a pretty good idea, actually. The Ministry doesn’t monitor Muggle communications like it does WizardComm.” I doubt there is any type of serious wizarding communications regulation. Sometimes it seems like the Ministry isn’t as interested in governing and supplying services as it is in dithering about with the Daily Prophet and setting up random archways of DEATH.

“That, and the fact that firelight creates a glare on my head. Temporarily blinded Lucius the other day. Terrible incident. There are days when Voldemort would give it all up for a thick head of hair. Now answer the damn phone!” The head disappeared.

Wow, thought Snape as he sifted through piles of National Geographic Was “Ranger Rick” in the first writing, but I thought that was a bit too cruel to Snape. Plus, I have no idea if they still publish “Ranger Rick” to find the source of the ringing, Voldemort came up with a pretty good idea. The Ministry’s disdain of all things Muggle could be its undoing. Maybe he CAN take over the world. Sometimes I look at Voldemort’s overly involved schemes and complete inability to off Harry, and wonder how he inspired so much fear in the wizarding world. Then I look at the Ministry and wonder no more. They were made for each other. Voldemort/Minister of Magic OTP.

Finally, Snape found the phone behind a hidden panel in his desk. Snape thought this was somewhat overkill, but Voldemort did have a flair for the overdramatic sometimes. Actually, I’m not sure if hiding a phone in a desk is overdramatic. Kinda dull, now that I think about it. Hiding it in a bust of some famous wizard might have been better.

“Hello?” ventured Snape as he answered the phone.

“Excellent!” said Voldemort. “I have come up with a brilliant idea that will put the Death Eaters on the pedestal of greatness. When this is implemented, we will be stronger, smarter, and work better as a team. Blah, blah, proactivity, blah, trust building, blah, blah, innovation, blah, blee. Then we will be ready to decimate the Ministry and subjugate the wizarding world!” Is this really his goal? I mean, seriously, in the books? What is he going to get out of all this?

Snape found himself getting excited about Voldemort’s plan for the first time in years. Last time was when Voldemort had a plan to unbalance all the scales at Gringotts, causing economic chaos when the value of jewels and gold became variable from scale to scale. Almost worked too. He had always been skeptical of Voldemort’s crazy schemes in the past, but the telephone strategy had inspired him. Voldemort was thinking. He did know the Ministry’s weaknesses. He was a capable leader. Ahahahahahaha, sucks to be you, Snape. “What is it?” asked Snape.

“We will create…” …our own line of designer evening wear!

Yes? Yes? No. No.

“A company softball team!”

It was about this moment Snape decided to join Dumbledore. Until goddamn HBP put this into doubt. Seriously, he better not turn out to be evil because it will mess my continuity right up.

  • 1
Damn straight. Besides, I like your version better than JKR's for some inexplicable reason...

Heh, Voldie's shiny bald head of doooooom.

Aha, thanks. Voldemort's head is his secret weapon, though it took him years to realize it. It's an excellent distraction. One minute your enemy is watching you for any sudden wand movements and the next, WHOOM! blinded by a shiny head.

I love you.

And I want their designer evening wear.

Thanks! Their designer evening wear is not that great, sadly. Mostly black robes, pointy hats and two types of masks (one skull-like, the other available in a wide range of colors and shapes).

You know, I actually went looking for a skull mask for Halloween. Couldn't find any, even on the internet. Kind of made me sad since I wanted to be a Death Eater.

Couldn't find any? Wow, someone is missing out on a marketing niche.

Any that I particulary liked. I didn't look very long, I realized I had no money.

"They were made for each other. Voldemort/Minister of Magic OTP."

it's funnier the second time around, and it was hilarious the first time



Thank you!

Now I feel this odd urge to write a one-shot wherein Dumbledore DOES sort out a romantic issue with Voldie and the Minister.

That would be pure crack, and I for one, think it would be hilarious.

I LOL'd. I wonder why I never bothered to go back and read these first OUAFTs? Well, the director's cuts are even better!

Thanks! The older ones tend to be more random and dialogue heavy. I'm glad you like the director's cut version!

The fourth wall deserves death anyway. XD

And I believe they still make Ranger Rick. I'm pretty sure my library subscribes to it.

HBP actually convinced me that Snape was on the side of righteousness, much to my dismay. I totally wanted him to be evil.

Man, Ranger Rick. I loved that magazine. That and World. Kids have such fun magazines.

Honestly, I wish Snape was evil/will be evil. It would be so much cooler if he managed to outwit Dumbledore.

(Deleted comment)
Man, you know not-fanon!Snape is hurting for the ladies.

He even killed the guy and dipped the candle himself.

Hahahaha. I always knew Snape was a hands-on kind of guy. Didn't Sarah Noble call Potions something like 'the magical home-ec". It seems that making stuff himself is right up Snape's alley.

Perhaps Snape is the MacGyver of the wizarding world.

In that case, we need for him to have his own tv show. It could air on BBC2!

Aha, yeah, Sarah and I call Potions "Mixing and Boiling 101," among other similar things. Snape's a very domestic, crafty guy under the greasy hair and nasty demeanor (hence the Martha Stewart's Living).

Hm, you already used the Martha Stewart analogy...maybe my title for him could be "Magical Girl Scout Troopleader"? It sounds really lame, though...

I don't think he's quite up to Troop Leader level. They have training, after all. He's more like Day Camp CIT level.

I always figured that, logically, there must be a limit to how funny your OUaFT fics can be...but then you write director's cuts and the whole scale gets re-evaluated. I love your writing!

PS: Is it ok if I friend you?

Thanks! I'm really glad you liked this version.

Sure, I don't mind being friended at all! I'd be happy to return the favor, if you have no objection.

:) Not only do I have no objection, I'd be honoured.

Possibly. Not all precincts have reported in yet, and 2000 taught us not to declare a winner until it was all over


I think this used to be my favourite chapter on OUaFT. Only I haven't read it in a while.

Which reminds me, I should really find my PDA charger.

It's one of my favorites, so I'm glad you liked it. I just wanted a really, really dumb reason for Snape to desert to the good side.

It was a pretty good reason, though. I mean, if your evil boss forms a company softball team, it's probably about time to go AWOL. Or spy. Spy probably works better, since your evil boss won't hunt you down and kill you. Unless you're a bad spy.

Well, it was a good reason until Dumbledore decided he wanted a softball team too. Then Snape just had to suck it up and play ball. Probably the reason he's a double agent.

Indecisive, maybe. I don't think the Ministry's got a team, though...

The Ministry is not organized enough to have a softball team. They have yet to reach the level of cohesiveness that the Death Eaters and the Order have achieved.

So...Snape requires a certain level of organisation in a side before he'll join it?

That, or twenty-five cents.

I bet the Ministry has twenty-five cents. Thirty, even.

"I am on a mission to make everything associated with Voldemort green. J.K. Rowling has made a good start, but I think I could expand his color scheme to unseen horizons."

Luci has been working on that. You might want to get in touch with him. So far, he's added..."loden". :P

Well, see, I consider Mr. Lucius to be the ultimate high fashion accessory for the up-and-coming Dark Lord. One's leading henchmen should be a tasteful reflection of one's own style. His love of loden notwithstanding.

Are you saying Lucius is a "European carry-all"? Heh.

re: Severus Snape Decides to Join Dumbledore

*laughs and laughs* Magically delicious! :)

  • 1

Log in