I've been having trouble writing new stuff recently, so in order to keep from boring you to death with memes and such, I've done another Director's Cut version of an old "Once Upon a Freakin' Time" chapter.
Severus Snape Decides to Join Dumbledore
Late one Saturday night, Severus Snape was at home because he couldn’t get a date, reading his favorite book (101 Snide Comments to Drive Your Insane Boss Insaner), minding his own business. I really hate that title, but I couldn’t think of anything better. As if Snape would actually read a book with such terrible grammar in the title. Sadly, this could not last because it wouldn’t make for very interesting fiction. Fourth wall? What fourth wall? Just as he was finishing the chapter on what to say when your employer decides to trust incompetent employees with complicated tasks (something Voldemort was famous for) Man, it’s almost as if this chapter comes pre-snarked, Snape heard a phone ring.
The hell? Snape thought, I’m a wizard. Why would I have a phone? ‘cause it makes a nice paperweight? I dunno.
Snape looked around the room quickly. Desk. Chairs. Piles of potions books. A skull with a candle melted on top of it. Snape got his before all the whiney little Goths did, thankyouverymuch. He even killed the guy and dipped the candle himself. Martha Stewart’s Living. And if a wizard wants to have a fine home with impeccable furnishings, what’s wrong with that? No phone, though. Maybe if I just ignore it, it will go away, thought Snape.
That never works. See? Kind of makes this commentary unnecessary.
“Dammit, where is that ringing coming from?!” shouted Snape. The little seen histrionic, interobang-using side of Snape. Only displayed before Harry Potter or Sirius Black. And telephones.
Suddenly, there was a flash of green sparks I am on a mission to make everything associated with Voldemort green. J.K. Rowling has made a good start, but I think I could expand his color scheme to unseen horizons. from the fireplace, and a bald, pasty, slit-eyed, snaky face appeared among the ashes. Voldemort, naturally. Used to be “natch,” but I freakin’ hate that non-word.
“Snape,” said the head of the most evil entity alive Possibly. Not all precincts have reported in yet, and 2000 taught us not to declare a winner until it was all over, “would you just answer the stupid phone? I have to talk to you.”
“But, you’re right here. And I don’t have a phone.” Except for whatever is making that ringing noise, Snape. Some pretty uncharacteristic stupidity from Snape here.
“Yes, you do. I had one installed in all the homes of my Death Eaters so I could talk to them through non-magical means. The Ministry won’t suspect a thing.” Not that the Ministry would anyway.
“Telephones?” said Snape, gearing up to use one of his new snide comments. Good thing he doesn’t get the chance. I suspect whatever snark he picked up from such a badly titled book would be pathetic. “That’s…” Snape paused, “…a pretty good idea, actually. The Ministry doesn’t monitor Muggle communications like it does WizardComm.” I doubt there is any type of serious wizarding communications regulation. Sometimes it seems like the Ministry isn’t as interested in governing and supplying services as it is in dithering about with the Daily Prophet and setting up random archways of DEATH.
“That, and the fact that firelight creates a glare on my head. Temporarily blinded Lucius the other day. Terrible incident. There are days when Voldemort would give it all up for a thick head of hair. Now answer the damn phone!” The head disappeared.
Wow, thought Snape as he sifted through piles of National Geographic Was “Ranger Rick” in the first writing, but I thought that was a bit too cruel to Snape. Plus, I have no idea if they still publish “Ranger Rick” to find the source of the ringing, Voldemort came up with a pretty good idea. The Ministry’s disdain of all things Muggle could be its undoing. Maybe he CAN take over the world. Sometimes I look at Voldemort’s overly involved schemes and complete inability to off Harry, and wonder how he inspired so much fear in the wizarding world. Then I look at the Ministry and wonder no more. They were made for each other. Voldemort/Minister of Magic OTP.
Finally, Snape found the phone behind a hidden panel in his desk. Snape thought this was somewhat overkill, but Voldemort did have a flair for the overdramatic sometimes. Actually, I’m not sure if hiding a phone in a desk is overdramatic. Kinda dull, now that I think about it. Hiding it in a bust of some famous wizard might have been better.
“Hello?” ventured Snape as he answered the phone.
“Excellent!” said Voldemort. “I have come up with a brilliant idea that will put the Death Eaters on the pedestal of greatness. When this is implemented, we will be stronger, smarter, and work better as a team. Blah, blah, proactivity, blah, trust building, blah, blah, innovation, blah, blee. Then we will be ready to decimate the Ministry and subjugate the wizarding world!” Is this really his goal? I mean, seriously, in the books? What is he going to get out of all this?
Snape found himself getting excited about Voldemort’s plan for the first time in years. Last time was when Voldemort had a plan to unbalance all the scales at Gringotts, causing economic chaos when the value of jewels and gold became variable from scale to scale. Almost worked too. He had always been skeptical of Voldemort’s crazy schemes in the past, but the telephone strategy had inspired him. Voldemort was thinking. He did know the Ministry’s weaknesses. He was a capable leader. Ahahahahahaha, sucks to be you, Snape. “What is it?” asked Snape.
“We will create…” …our own line of designer evening wear!
Yes? Yes? No. No.
“A company softball team!”
It was about this moment Snape decided to join Dumbledore. Until goddamn HBP put this into doubt. Seriously, he better not turn out to be evil because it will mess my continuity right up.
- Once Upon a Freakin' Time: Director's Cut