This Is Not My Life

No. Really. It's not.

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Fanfiction: Once Upon a Freakin' Time
Private Moon
Still no closer on the Sky Captain Breadbox, but I do have a brand spankin' new Once Upon a Freakin' Time! And it features Lucius! I realized the other day that all of these stories were either "Lord Voldemort did this," "The Death Eaters did that," or "Severus Snape snarks inappropriately". There were absolutely no "Lucius Malfoy does something desperately stupid" stories! So, I've rectified this with my new story:

Lucius Malfoy Doesn’t Even Know Where to Begin

Voldemort surveyed the remains of his backyard with shock and chagrin. He had only gone out for forty-five minutes to pick up a new potion from Snape guaranteed to melt through solid objects. If he recalled correctly, Snape called it “sulfuric acid.” Voldemort was continually amazed at the resourcefulness and invented mind of his Potions Master.

But, never mind all that. The point was that Voldemort had not left the house for very long. Certainly not long enough to come back finding his backyard looking like this.

Shattered deckchairs strewn across the strip of grass that made up the back half of the yard. More deckchairs than the Dark Lord would have sworn the Death Eaters owned. Especially considering they didn’t have a deck. What looked like the remains of the gazebo half sticking out of the earth where the rock garden should have been. The cypress tree Voldemort had been cultivating looking like it had been splinched with an American chestnut. Numerous empty butterbeer bottles. Gloria, his Death Eaters were lightweights. Not the least evidence of which were the scattered unconscious bodies of at least seven of his Death Eaters.

“Oh, hello, My Lord,” said Lucius coming out of the anterior dining room, munching on a ham sandwich. “Have you been home long?”

“Lucius…the yard. My gazebo. The rock garden. What the hell happened here?”

“Oh. My. God. You would not believe what went on this afternoon. I mean, Travers was probably right to move the Ping-Pong table into the backyard so we didn’t ruin the family room.”

“Ping-Pong table?”

“Right, I should explain that first. Well, Rookwood and Barty…Barty is such a kidder. Did you know he could juggle too? He also does this great act with balloon animals. No clue where he learned all that. Do you know?”

“…What did Rookwood and Crouch do?”

“Well, they had been looking all last week for a Ping-Pong table because we heard the Order of the Phoenix had gotten a pool table. They were originally going to put it in the half-finished rec-room, next to the last cell, but the chick Karkaroff brought with him…”

“What chick?”

“The one who created the whirlwind.”


“Well, we needed something to put out the fire.”

Voldemort stared at Lucius in disbelief. “What was on fire?”

“Your cypress. It started with the cookies, of course. I told them they had been in the oven too long. I had the most cooking experience, but would they listen to me? Noooooo. They had to do their own thing, and look where it got them.” Lucius gestured at the backyard.

“You mean, all of this…” Voldemort gestured half-heartedly along with Lucius, “…is because of cookies?”

“Not really. You see…” Lucius trailed off as Voldemort groaned. “Oh, I’ll make this quick. What happened before the cookies? Was it the Crabbe and the cannonball or was it Bellatrix transfiguring Dolohov into a badger…?”

Lucius pondered with his hands on his hips, tapping his foot. “It’s really all so complicated. I don’t even know where to begin,” he sighed sadly.

Voldemort sat on the remains of a deckchair and put his head between his knees.

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My roommate and I just want you to know how terribly much you amuse us. :) Except that when I try to read outloud to her, I'm usually giggling to hard to be coherent.

Well, I'm glad I amuse you! That's why I exist!

Oh dear God. Hilarious. Absolutly freaking hysterical. *grins at mental picture of someone being transfigured into a badger* *cackles madly* Wonderful! By God, Evadne, you've done it again!


Ah, I must be honest. The badger thing originally came from Sarah Noble, aka sad_alice. But, yeah, badgers are funny on principle.

Badgers are funny. Just the word 'badger' is a funny word. I don't know why they're so funny, but they are. What's up with that?

Well, as anyone who's ever read a "Redwall" book (and really, you only need to read one) can tell you, badgers themselves really aren't that funny. They're kinda scary in person.

But, yeah, the word is hilarious. I wonder who looked at the ornery, giant rodent (what are they, really?) and thought, "You know what a good name for that big, mean animal digging in my garden would be? Badger."

Hey, do you or anyone else remember the name of that book about the boy who learns valuable life lessons from a female badger? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

I've never read a Redwall book, but I do remember trying to sleep through my brother watching the TV series.

I don't know what they are. I mean, they look like a combination of skunks and koalas or something, and I mean, I guess they're rodents, because they aren't bears, and...what are skunks? Are skunks rodents? What qualifies something to be a rodent? *slowly going mad from thinking about this*

I don't think I've ever heard of such a story. But it sounds like an interesting concept.

I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but I googled badgers and discovered they were in the same family as weasels (another great word!) and ferrets. Which, given the badger's temperment, does not surprise me at all.

I also tried to google the book, but came up with zip.

WEASELS! Huzzah! And ferrets! I'm quite a fan of small annoying furry animals. And it does make sense, now that I think of it.

Yay! Go Lucius. I'm happy he finally gets his very own chapter. One thing I have to point out, though, for my friend Zoë would kill me if I didn't. In England, you have a garden. Not a yard. A front garden and a back garden. And flowerbeds. And yoghurt prounounced like yah-gert.

But still, you amuse me to no end. Hehehe.

Heh, well, I don't want you killed by your friend. But I have to tell you, Voldemort, world traveller that he is, wanted a rock garden and gazebo instead of a traditional English garden. And Lucius just demanded they put in a swing set. So there was no choice but to build a backyard.

Don't worry. Voldemort still gets hedgerow rage, like everyone else.

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Lucius makes everything better because he is desperately stupid. There can never be too much Lucius, I say!


Wow, it's another great Snape icon. And he does the time warp! Brilliant!

oh lucius, you silly wizard!

hahaha, i love it! disasters always start with food, its a fact of life...

can we have another baseball game of the Order vs. Death Eaters....i liked that chapter alot and i would read it all the time! before freaking took all of your other stuff down and then i boycotted it.....did it take down that story too? because if not, i think i'm going to save it!


Re: oh lucius, you silly wizard!

Another baseball game? But what will the children say?! didn't take down this story because it actually follows the rules (holy wow!). So, they're still there to be read as often as you need a moronic Death Eater fix.

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Re: oh lucius, you silly wizard!

It's called "Once Upon a Freakin' Time" on You can find it here:

You know, I really would like to know exactly what the Zark happened. I mean serio--*stops and starts giggling like a madwoman* Crabbe and a cannonball?

This is just too silly for words. Good job!

Ah, yes. Crabbe and the cannonball. Some say Crabbe picked it up at a Civil War reenactment. Others say he found it in a ditch, and lovingly took it home to be raised like a cannonball should. Still others claim that Crabbe doesn't know it's a cannonball, and that he actually thinks it's Goyle.

hahaha. Funny. I laugh, but I also agree with her awesomeness, capri_chan. What the erm... Zark happened.

I could tell you what happened, but I think it's funnier if everyone else just comes up with there own ideas. After all, if the events were just that simple, Lucius wouldn't have had trouble explaining them.

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Re: That is funny stuff

Thank you! I'm glad you like it. Sorry about the co-workers thinking you're insane. Just move slowly around them.


That was excellent, as usual!I think my favorite ones are when Voldemort and Sauron get into fights. I was always a bigger LotR fan than Harry Potter, although they are both excellent, and I love to see the worlds collide. Anyway, Lucius was great, especially in that his explanation was almost in exactly reverse chronological order.

Thank you! I don't what I'm a bigger fan of: possibly LotR for the literary value, but HP for the entertainment value.

Re: greatness

HP is definitely more entertaining than Tolkien, especially when J.R.R gets into his scenery kicks. But, on the other hand, the depth of the world in LotR is incredible, it can't help but be interesting to some degree. HP is pretty well constructed too, but you can tell that not everything was planned out and picked over to the same degree that LotR was.

Erg. The end of "Return of the King" where Frodo and Sam are walking through Mordor, and nothing is actually happening to them, but Tolkien has to spend time on them so he describes every rock they pass? Yeah.

Yeah, Tolkien definately spent ages developing his world. HP is pretty good, but there's a lot of unanswered question. You can tell by the number of meditations fans write about that world.

Great Breadboxes :)

I just want you to know that You are the best author in the WORLD (Except J.R.R. Tolkien is bette.. You know :P) And I love your stories :) You rule :P

You should maybe do "The Day After Tomorrow" I'm sure it would be hilarious... And where are all your older Stories??

I was wondering..(I'm making small computer cartoons) if your stories could be the scripts.. only if you want to ;)

Re: Great Breadboxes :)

Me again..

Oh forgot...

This story is Hilarious :P

Keep on going my man :P

Re: Great Breadboxes :)

Heck, if only J.R.R. Tolkien is better, I'll take it!

I've never actually seen "Day After Tomorrow." How bad is it? Anyone?

I don't mind people using my stuff as long as I'm credited. Let me know what you do! Cartoons are always fun.

Re: Great Breadboxes :)

Day after tomorrow is just so predictable, you just have to see it, and you could probably make a breadbox, and, well, there are things that people do in the movie that are so stupid.. it's not even funny!

Hey dude, Red Sox won the WORLD SERIES. Your dad and my dad are going to be SO STOKED for about a month. Also I'm glad you wrote this one about Lucius not even knowing where to begin. Although I still insist it should have been more of a huffy, angry "I don't even know where to BEGIN" sort of sentiment. BUT THAT'S OK! hey when you come home for thanksgiving you and me need to go out and tie one on because I'll have all the advertising and junk done for the first book by then, thank GOD. A big "time to start book two" party.

So Jodi comes to me the other day and says, "Good news, we got you a calendar deal! So be thinking about what twelve to fourteen paintings you'd like to do for it! Cuz we'll totally give you about a week's notice as usual!" Whenever I get good news from her, it always means lots of work. DAMMIT!

Also we need to think about starting the BEST FANFICTION EVER someday, or whatever we was gonna call it. Think about THAT, yo. I started writing down things for it. I truly believe we shall write the best fanfiction ever.

Also I want to interview your version of VM through AIM for my next frontline interview XD




So, yeah. A "Bizenghast" calendar. Are we trying to give people nightmares now? Sucks to have to do all the paintings out of the blue, though.

BEST FANFICTION EVER or THE ULTIMATE FANFICTION? Or both, because we all know that the most pretentious fics have subtitles. I'll check out badfic for some ideas.

My Voldemort does not use IM. Remember, this is the man who can't use PowerPoint sucessfully.

yeah, Ultimate fanfiction. durf. forgot.

oh...well can i write him a letter then? His story must be told. email me you mailing address and I will write super letter on my super HP stationary.

I will be sending you my mailing address. Voldemort will be pleased to get mail.

*wipes the smoothie off her computer*

Lol!! Lucius is SUCH a blonde!! ^_^ And Blondes,....don;t take offence I'm blonde too!!! ;)

Re: *wipes the smoothie off her computer*

Well, if it's any consolation, they say blondes have more fun...

OMG! This is so funny! And you have to put more Bellatrix in it, with submissive!Rodolphus if possible!

Bellatrix makes any day a good day, and yeah, she and her ridiculously named husband do need more humor written about them. I did have a story about their wedding planned once, I'll have to go dig that up sometime.

Thanks for reading!

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