evadne_noel

It's finally done! Hooray!

(Author’s Note: Pirates of Caribbean is not mine. It belongs to The Mouse and his almighty empire. I decided to switch to character names for this one because there are fewer actor jokes this time around.)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST: BREADBOX EDITION

FADE IN:

INT. DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI’S DESK

DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Memo to my cast and crew: Please be aware that I mean for this sequel to be
an entirely separate story from the first movie. I ask that you refrain from
reusing plot points, jokes and—

WHAM! PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER knocks out VERBINSKI with a MODEL SHIP IN A JAR.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Ahahahaha! Now the movie is mine! Quick, someone bring me pyrotechnics!

BRUCKHEIMER LACKEY
I’m sorry, sir. Michael Bay has used them all.

BRUCKHEIMER
Curses! What shall I do? I know! I’ll pointlessly extend all my fight scenes
to unheard of lengths! Mwahahahahaha!

EXT. CRAPPIEST WEDDING DAY EVER

ELIZABETH SWANN sits in the RAIN.

ELIZABETH
We should have gotten a tent. Nooooooo, he said. The weather will
be fine on our destined day of bliss. Bah.

WILL TURNER
Hi, honey. I got arrested. Why don’t you make a cliché joke about
seeing the bride before the wedding?

LORD CUTLER BECKETT
Hey, everyone. I’m your purposeless villain for the movie, and this is my craggy-
faced henchman. Don’t worry; it’s all a step up for the third installment.

GOVERNOR SWANN
Hey! Vague implication that I know of you!

LORD CUTLER BECKETT
I’m arresting your daughter, her fiancé, and her ex- fiancé. Anyone
even remotely connected to this woman must go down. What
happened to Norrington, anyway?

GOV. SWANN
Character revision. Terrible, really.

BECKETT
Well, he’ll show up eventually. For now you’ll all come with me, or else!

WILL
Or else what? Your personal secretary here will beat me up?

EXT. SUPPOSEDLY TURKISH PRISON

TURKISH PRISONS are NASTY.

GUARD #1
Should we weigh down these coffins or something?

GUARD #2
Nah. Imagine the water quality if we did.

COFFINS floats away, not at all like BOATS. CROW starts rapping on a COFFIN.

CROW
You’d think there’d be an easier way for me to get food.

BLAM! CROW picked the WRONG COFFIN.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
I am truly the master of great entrances. Now, how much more gruesome
can we make this? We’ve already had a guy get his eyes pecked out. Hmm,
I could tear up this corpse for a morbid sight gag?

MR. GIBBS
Jack! Glad you’re alive! Are we actually going to engage in some piracy this movie?

JACK
No! We’re going to collect abstract art of household items! Like this one
I got of a key. Next up: an iron.

GIBBS
I thought not. I should have left with Anamaria.

INT: EAST INDIA EBIL TRADING COMPANY HEADQUARTERS

BECKETT
Fear the might of Corporate Britannia! We shall rule the waves, and even Jack Sparrow.

WILL
You’re after the Black Pearl, aren’t you?

BECKETT
No, I don’t care about the stupid ship. This is a whole new plot! Didn’t you get
the memo? I need you to find Jack Sparrow to get his compass. Be sure not to
ask me what’s so special about a damn orienteering tool.

WILL
Can’t have me use my brain, after all.

INT. BLACK PEARL

JACK wanders around at NIGHT and meets DEAD PEOPLE.

BOOTSTRAP BILL TURNER
Hey. Boo.

JACK
AH! Bootstrap! Remind me apologize to your son for saying he was
the spitting image of you.

BOOTSTRAP
You know my son? All right, what have you done to him?

JACK
Nothing! …Yet. Never mind that, why are you here?

BOOTSTRAP
Davy Jones is not pleased with you.

JACK
Oh, you’ve got some exposition for me?

BOOTSTRAP
Davy Jones is the undead master of the ocean. He got you the Pearl, and
now you owe him service. Just like I owe him service after he saved me
from an eternity underwater.

JACK
I’d rather not. Starfish accessories would ruin my image.

BOOTSTAP
Then the Kraken will eat you. Have a bit of pirate arcana for your hand.

JACK
Well, this just got mighty awkward. Um, so, how have you been?

BOOTSTRAP
I’m covered in barnacles. How do you think?

JACK runs around and FREAKS everyone else OUT. SOME GREEKS and JACK’S HAT suffer a CRUEL FATE.

INT. PRISON OF THE LESS TORTURING VARIETY

ELIZABETH
Why on earth would Beckett want Jack’s compass? Is the East India
Trading Company that cheap?

WILL
Don’t ask potentially pertinent questions! I’m off to find Jack, save you
from prison, and then we’ll get married, if you still want me.

ELIZABETH
If I wasn’t behind bars, I’d drag you in here, bend you over and—

In his shock, GOV. SWANN forgets he got the MEMO.

WILL
Anyway, I love you. Wait for me.

ELIZABETH
If I feel like it.

WILL finds out where JACK is by following a MONTAGE OF OLD JOKES.

EXT. NATIVE STEREOTYPE ISLAND

WILL does not find JACK, but a bunch of NATIVE STEREOTYPES. Apparently, they ate the COURIER with the MEMO, because they made JACK their CHIEF.

WILL
Jack! Have we wandered into King Kong? I know I look the most like a
woman here, but I really don’t want to be sacrificed to a giant ape.

Luckily, JACK speaks NATIVE STEREOTYPE.

JACK
Wana wana wana. Gay-o elf-o. Bork bork bork.

NATIVE STEREOTYPES are pleased that they will feast on a LOTR STAR.

JACK
Will, you have to save me. Don’t know what you can do that the rest of
the crew couldn’t or didn’t try, but do it anyway.

INT. PRISON OF THE LESS TORTURING VARIETY

ELIZABETH is still HANGING AROUND as if she is NOT the HEROINE.

GOV. SWANN
I don’t know if someone sapped your will to live since the last movie
or what, Elizabeth, but I’m breaking you out of here.

They RUN to the DOCKS, but are thwarted by POCKMARKED, VAGUELY THREATENING GUY. ELIZABETH remembers she’s the MAIN CHARACTER, and escapes.

BECKETT
Oh, maps. You fill the void in my life.

ELIZABETH
What is your problem?

BECKETT
Imperialist Capitalism! It’s the wave of the future!

ELIZABETH
Whatever. Isla de Muerta sank, so you won’t be able to get the treasure.

BECKETT
I don’t care about Isla de Muerta! Did no one else get the memo?

ELIZABETH
I’ll just take these Letter of Marque so I…um, Jack, can become a legal pirate.

BECKETT
You won’t get away with it, Miss Bennett.

ELIZABETH
Swann.

BECKETT
Right. What did I say?

EXT. THE OCEAN BLUE

IDIOT PIRATE #1 and IDIOT PIRATE #2 row into the MOVIE.

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Huh. Why are we here?

IDIOT PIRATE #2
There was a showdown between the Idiot Soldiers and us over who could
appear in the sequel. We won!

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Hey, why aren’t you repeating everything I say anymore?

IDIOT PIRATE #2
I got the memo!

They find the BLACK PEARL.

IDIOT PIRATE #2
Wow, if we’re lucky, we’ll be able to join the main cast.

INT. NATIVE STEREOTYPE ISLAND

Most of the MAIN CAST is in CAGES dangling over a GORGE.

AUDIENCE
You don’t want to join the main cast.

WILL
Gibbs, since you’re my main supplier of backstory, would you tell
me what’s going on?

GIBBS
The native stereotypes are fangirls, who think Jack is a god on Earth. They’re
going to release him from his earthly prison by roasting and devouring him. Not
metaphorically either. These cages we’re in are made from the bones of our
really expendable crewmembers.

WILL
So, what were they holding you captive in before they killed off
enough people to build the cages?

GIBBS
…Sea turtles?

WILL
Now that I’m here, we have enough brainpower to come up with an escape plan.

While harnessing the amazing power of PHYSICS, the CREW discovers they have been divided into KNOWN CAST and STILL EXPENDABLE CAST.

STILL EXPENDABLE CREWMATE
That’s discrimination! We’ll have to cheat to survive!

The CAST THINNING ASSOCIATION OF THE AMERICAS (CTAA) expressly frowns upon CHEATING by EXPENDABLE CAST.

GIBBS
That’s a pity. We’ll have to pick up a whole new expendable cast
during a barroom brawl scene.

WILL
Roll the cage to safety! Pretend you’re a hamster and roll!

GIBBS
I don’t want to be a hamster! I hate pellets!

MEANWHILE:

JACK attempts to escape through a variety of SIGHT GAGS.

EXT. THE BLACK PEARL

IDIOT PIRATE #2
So, is two people stealing and piloting a ship this size really plausible?

IDIOT PIRATE #1
It happened in the first movie.

IDIOT PIRATE #2
That doesn’t actually answer my question, though.

MAIN CAST goes rolling by.

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Uh, hey guys. We’re totally not stealing your ship.

GIBBS
That’s okay. We’ll totally not be using your asses as overworked labor.

WILL
I feel like I’ve forgotten something. Oh yeah! Jack asked me to save
him! Whoops, my bad.

JACK
Coming! Coming! You can’t leave me here! I make or break this movie!

They sail away, leaving the HOARDS OF SCREAMING FANGIRL NATIVE STEREOTYPES disappointed. And a DOG.

WILL
Jack, I need your compass.

JACK
Will, I’m just going to keep talking until you have no idea what I’m saying. What I
say may or may not be relevant to your previous statement, by which I mean
your rather rude demanding of my compass, an object you have not given me a
serious reason to part with, other than your love of the little missy, which really
doesn’t concern me at all. By the time you realize that I’m talking nonsense
circles, you’ll already have agreed to what I’m asking you to do, which is to say
you will put your life and quite possibly your mortal soul in extreme danger for a
key which opens something you will not ask questions about because the
screenwriter has apparently forgotten you have a brain at all. However, you
won’t mind any of this because you’ll think that I completely support your
decision to run about the Caribbean like an idiot every time something happens
to Elizabeth, and that I’ll give you my compass when all is said and done to
some degree of satisfaction. Savvy?

WILL
What?

JACK
Just say yes.

WILL
Yes.

MEANWHILE:

ELIZABETH dresses up like an UNCONVINCING MAN and runs about the CARIBBEAN like an IDIOT.

EXT. POSSIBLY LOUISIANA, BUT THAT’S KIND OF FAR AWAY. THEN AGAIN, WE’VE ALREADY BEEN TO TURKEY.

JACK
We’re here to see the voodoo lady because voodoo ladies know everything.

TIA DALMA
Do you have payment? I take cash, check and pretty boys.

JACK
You can’t have the pretty boy. I need him for someone…thing else.
I’m looking for a key and some important exposition.

TIA
De compass leads you to what you want. What is de matter with you?

JACK
Now, I know you’d think that what I’d want most is to avoid a hundred years
of slavery amongst the damned, but I don’t know! Maybe there’re just
other things I’d like to do first!

TIA
Den why did you not just come straight to me instead of getting dis picture first?
I know what a key looks like.

JACK
I like art, okay?

TIA
Den everyone settle in while I explain Davy Jones’s backstory. And, hey! Idiot
Pirate! Back away from de eyeballs! See, once upon a time, Davy Jones loved
him a woman who was wild and free, and very much counter to what a
socialized lady would be.

WILL
Hey, I know a girl like that.

TIA
Yeah, how ‘bout dat. But de pain of loving a woman who wouldn’t settle down in
a relationship caused him to carve out him heart and lock it in a chest.

WILL
Suddenly, I don’t like this story.

TIA
He keeps de key wid him at all times, because him heart is him weakness. I
will tell you where you need to go to find Davy Jones. Also, have some of
my very finest homemade dirt in a jar.

JACK
Huh? Why?

TIA
Placebo.

EXT. WRECK OF A SHIP OBVIOUSLY NOT CAPTAINED BY DAVY JONES

JACK
There it is. The Flying Dutchman.

WILL
Are you seriously trying to convince me that Davy Jones, the greatest
captain on the ocean, ran his ship into a reef?

JACK
Why don’t you tell him I sent you while you’re over there?

WILL
Oh my God, you are.

WILL goes aboard the SWAMPED SHIP and gets attacked by SNORKS who worship CTHULHU.

DAVY JONES
Join me for 100 years of service, or die and face your eternal judgment!

WILL
What happens when the 100 years up?

DAVY JONES
Ye die. And head straight to Perdition, most likely.

WILL
So, you don’t actually avoid judgment.

DAVY JONES
No, ye do. Just not permanently. But what are ye doing here, boy?
You’re not dying.

WILL
I know this is going to screw me over, but I really can’t think of anything
else to say: Jack Sparrow has sent me as a sacrifice.

POOF! DAVY JONES uses his MAGICAL SQUID-FACE POWERS to transport himself over to the BLACK PEARL.

DAVY JONES
Hello, Jack. Bit of dick, aren’t ye?

JACK
Absolutely. Look, isn’t there some way I can get out of this debt without
turning into a sea cucumber or something?

DAVY JONES
Sure, if ye are willing to be a total asshole and sacrifice another hundred
souls to me in exchange.

JACK
I can do that.

DAVY JONES
I rather hope not. I don’t actually have room for a hundred more crewmembers.

MEANWHILE:

ELIZABETH THE UNCONVINCING MAN tricks a bunch MERCHANTS into going to TORTUGA so she can finally join the MAIN CAST.

INT. TORTUGA BAR FIGHT

GIBBS
Ahhh, I feel so much better with an expendable cast around.

The AUDIENCE, MAIN CAST and UNCONVINCING MAN ELIZABETH find out what happened to COMMODORE JAMES NORRINGTON. It’s NOT PRETTY.

JACK
Are you trying to tell me that you lost your mind because you couldn’t catch me?
But didn’t you decide I wasn’t really worth it after the first movie? Not that I’m
not not worth it, but I thought you’d overcome your exaggerated character trait.

NORRINGTON
But I had to keep chasing you! I nearly caught you in Tripoli! And for all the
non-Caribbean places you keep ending up in this movie, you should really
stop calling yourselves the Pirates of Caribbean.

JACK
But I like the Caribbean.

NORRINGTON
And I would have gotten you too, if it hadn’t been for that hurricane.

GIBBS
Hurricanes are really rare in the Mediterranean-

NORRINGTON
They’ve been known to happen! Don’t contradict me!

NORRINGTON gets in a fight with EVERYONE ELSE. UNCONVINCING MAN ELIZABETH shows up just in time to SAVE HIM. By BEATING HIM UP.

NORRINGTON gets thrown into a PIGSTY.

UNCONVINCING MAN ELIZABETH
Better get up, Norrington. Mr. Gibbs will get jealous.

INT. THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

Things SUCK for WILL.

WILL
Okay, takeaway moral: Don’t be an atheist pirate or you’ll turn
into a hammerhead shark.

BOOTSTRAP sees WILL and gets him in TROUBLE.

BOOTSTRAP
He’s my son! Announcing this won’t backfire on me!

DAVY JONES
I see that heroic stupidity is hereditary. Okay, Bootstrap. Whip your own son.

WILL
Nice going, Dad.

BOOTSTRAP
I’m sorry, Son. Let me take you on a tour to make up for whipping you.
There’ll be plot points.

WILL
You never take me anywhere nice.

EXT. THE BLACK PEARL

UNCONVINCING MAN ELIZABETH
Jack! I’m here to collect my man.

JACK
Elizabeth! Well, your man is currently unavailable, but I’d be
happy to arrange a substitute.

ELIZABETH
What have you done to Will, Jack?

JACK
Nothing!

NORRINGTON
Yet?

JACK
Oh no, you’re here too?

NORRINGTON
Yes. And for that hurricane crack, I’m going to snark at you mercilessly.

JACK
But I didn’t even- never mind. Elizabeth, are you willing to let me manipulate
your desire to see Will again? Because I’m not giving that big long speech again.

ELIZABETH
I’m okay with that, thanks.

INT. EAST INDIA EBIL TRADING COMPANY HEADQUARTERS

BECKETT
Still here, just to let you know.

GOV. SWANN
No one cares, Beckett.

BECKETT
You’re not afraid, No-Longer-Governor Swann?

GOV. SWANN
Hardly. You’re a pompous ass, and your henchman isn’t even remotely intimidating.

POCKMARKED, VAGUELY THREATENING GUY
What do you mean? Can’t you see how intensely I’m looking through this telescope?

INT. THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

WILL plays YAHTZEE for his SOUL against DAVY JONES.

WILL
If you win, I’ll give you my soul for all eternity. If I win, I want the key.

DAVY JONES
Key? What key? This key? Do you mean this key I keep under my tentacles
and unlocks the chest holding my greatest weakness? That key? Let me flash it
around to everyone. Say “Hi” to the key, everyone. There’s the key. Yes. Key.

WILL loses at SOUL YAHTZEE.

DAVY JONES
Sorry, boy. You’re a Sea Monkee now.

BOOTSTRAP
No! I’ll rescue my boy by wagering my own soul, thus giving him a
moral obligation to rescue me later.

WILL
Dad. Stop. Making. Things. Worse.

To make up for it, BOOTSTRAP stands guard while WILL steals DAVY JONES’S KEY while he sleeps at his GIANT ORGAN.

WILL
Maybe he wouldn’t be so tormented if he just bought a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

DAVY JONES
Zzzzzzz…help me make the music of the….zzzzzz.

WILL
Thanks for the help, Dad. I promise to save you from an eternity of fishmanity.

BOOTSTRAP
You’re a good man, Will. I guess Jack hasn’t done anything to you.

WILL
I will try to make sure there is never a “yet.”

INT. THE BLACK PEARL

ELIZABETH
Will’s a dick.

AUDIENCE
Don’t tell his father.

JACK
I’m a bit of dick too.

ELIZABETH
I’m still considering my dickish options.

GIBBS
Good Lord, what’s happened to all of you?

INT. MERCHANT SHIP

MERCHANT SHIP rescues WILL.

SOME MERCHANT
You know, you’re the second unconvincing man we’ve had onboard this week.

WILL
Wait, what?

MEANWHILE:

DAVY JONES is NOT PLEASED.

DAVY JONES
Wake up the Kraken! Make sure it’s really loud, or he won’t hear.

The KRAKEN is in his ROOM listening to his HEADPHONES when DAVY JONES uses his WIND-UP DOOR KNOCKER to summon him.

KRAKEN
What? God, Dad! I’ll be right there!

The KRAKEN tears SHIT UP, up misses WILL because he is INDESTRUCTIBLE. WILL sneaks back on board, making the deaths of the MERCHANT CREW pretty much USELESS.

DAVY JONES
Random Lackey, you don’t think I’m harsh and unlovable, do you?

RANDOM LACKEY
Sir, you’re the most romantic fishman since the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

INT. THE BLACK PEARL

ELIZABETH
You know, Jack, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve become
awfully…straight for this movie.

JACK
What does that mean?

ELIZABETH
Well, you formerly showed an unusual preoccupation with the
state of my fiancé’s penis.

JACK
Well, this memo I just got told me this movie wouldn’t be about you if you
didn’t have some sort of internal conflict.

GIBBS
Hey, we’re at the crux of the story! Literally!

JACK
Excellent. Gather all the main characters together, plus the Idiot Pirates!

MEANWHILE:

DAVY JONES
Dive! Dive! I want to play submarine!

WILL
Oh, crap.

INT. ISLA CRUCES

ELIZABETH
You know, this crisis of conscience stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

NORRINGTON
I don’t know why you bother telling Jack this. It isn’t as if he’d know.

ELIZABETH
Well, it’s about him.

JACK
Look, I just want this chest. Could we have the soul-searching conversations later?

ELIZABETH or POSSIBLY JACK figures out that SHE OR HE wants the CHEST or POSSIBLY ELIZABETH’S ASS, so the COMPASS finally WORKS.

JACK
And this would be absolutely wonderful if I had any way of opening the damn thing.

WILL
Good thing I decided to join everyone at the climax, then. Elizabeth, darling!
Norrington! You’d think I’d be more surprised to see you. Hi, Jack. Hope you die.

ELIZABETH
How did you…?

WILL
You ought to know by now that no sinking ship can stop me.

JACK
Will, I’m glad to see you. And I have to say, now that we have you and Elizabeth
in the same place: you still look the most like a woman here. Can I have that key?

WILL
I have to open the chest and stab the heart to save my father anyway,
so I’ll just pretend you’re not involved at all.

JACK
Sorry, no. I need the heart as leverage.

ELIZABETH
You know, if you two just took turns-

NORRINGTON
I’m bringing the heart back to Beckett.

WILL
Holy crap, you mean Beckett might actually accomplish something this movie?

JACK, WILL and NORRINGTON draw their SWORDS.

ELIZABETH
Oh. Oh, no.

Thus begins a really SILLY LOOKING FIGHT.

ELIZABETH
Have you all utterly lost your minds? Davy Jones’s crew is on his way to kill us
all! If you don’t stop, I’ll start stamping my feet and throwing things, and not at
all pay attention to the chest! And…oh my God! The stupidity is contagious!

EVERYONE acts like IDIOTS.

IDIOT PIRATE #1
What’s going on now?

IDIOT PIRATE #2
Well, Norrington is trying to regain his honor by being dishonorable. Will wants to
save his dear old dad from being turned into calamari. Jack wants the heart so
he can prance around like an idiot with it. And Elizabeth is just jealous that she’s
not involved in the homoerotic subtext of three men banging away at each other with swords.

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Maybe we should take this opportunity to steal the chest?

IDIOT PIRATE #2
And do what with it? Take it back to the ship and Jack’s allies?

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Well, everyone else is acting like morons, aren’t they?

SUDDENLY, the RED LOBSTER SEAFOOD BAR attacks.

ELIZABETH
Oops! Okay, time to show off my amazing sword fighting skills.

IDIOT PIRATE #2
You learned all that in a year?

ELIZABETH
I’m precocious.

MEANWHILE:

The THREEWAY gets even stupider with the addition of a WATERWHEEL.

WILL
Oh no, not more random rolling things.

NORRINGTON
Wow, it’s going to roll all the way out to ocean, isn’t it?

JACK
Only after about 10 minutes.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
This is the best fight scene ever. I wish I could make last even longer.

BRUCKHEIMER LACKEY
Sir, we found a few extra pyrotechnics from the last movie.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Never mind! Quick, everyone back where you started!

EVERYONE ends up back at the LONGBOAT. Still FIGHTING.

JACK
Okay, after all that, I am 99% certain that I have the heart.
Can we get out of here now?

NORRINGTON
Uh, I forgot I had a dentist appointment. Why don’t I take the chest
and lead them away while I’m on my way there?

JACK
Well, nothing suspicious about that! Feel free.

NORRINGTON
Idiot.

INT. BLACK PEARL

DAVY JONES and the FLYING DUTCHMAN show up. DAVY JONES is STILL NOT PLEASED.

DAVY JONES
Blow shit up, boys!

SHIT BLOWS UP.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
AHAHAHAHA! I love my job!

JACK
But I have your heart! Wait, wait. No, I don’t! Damn that one percent!
Always coming back to bite me in the ass!

MEANWHILE:

NORRINGTON
Bwahahaha. Now, how do I get off this island?

INT. THE BLACK PEARL

DAVY JONES wakes the KRAKEN.

KRAKEN
Geez! I was asleep! It’s not even noon yet, why should I have to get up?

WILL
I have an idea. Let’s blow off the Kraken’s extremities and make it really mad.

KRAKEN
Ow! Shit! No one understands me!

WILL
Okay, now I have another plan that’s not much better. We’ll load up all the
explosive material we have, and when it picks it up, blow the Kraken’s arms off.
Why, yes, it is almost exactly the same plan. Elizabeth, you can take the shot
that will make the big explosion. Make sure I’m in serious peril before starting, though.

ELIZABETH
Wouldn’t have it any other way. And Jack can…where’s Jack?

JACK is running AWAY because the COMPASS has not resolved his INTERNAL CONFLICT yet.

ELIZABETH
We’ll just have to drag this scene out until he decides to come back, then.
He will come back, right?

JACK
Yes, of course. You’re right, Elizabeth. This crisis of conscience stuff does suck.

With ELIZABETH clinging to his LEG like a CONAN BABE or WHATNOT, JACK blows up the KRAKEN’S ARMS and his SHIP. But mostly his SHIP.

KRAKEN
Screw this! I’m going to my room to listen to some Green Day and post on my MySpace!

WILL
Whew. Thanks for waiting for me to fall free, Jack.

JACK
I did what now?

WILL
Known cast?

GIBBS
Present and accounted for!

JACK
Well, since both of Will’s plans only served to make the Kraken
angrier, we should all get out of here.

EVERYONE escapes.

ELIZABETH
Jack, have you got a moment? So, you’re definitely straight?

JACK
Only for you, luv. Only for you.

ELIZABETH
Score.

WILL
Hey, guys, what’s taking so-

ELIZABETH and JACK kick WILL’S PUPPY.

WILL’S PUPPY
Yip!

JACK
That was fun. We should have done that earlier, when there was a
lesser chance of imminent-

ELIZABETH kicks JACK’S PUPPY.

JACK’S PUPPY
Growr!

ELIZABETH
Sorry, Jack. I considered my options and decided that dickish was the way to go.

ELIZABETH escapes too.

ELIZABETH
Jack has elected to save our lives by offering the Kraken some counseling.

GIBBS
That’s mighty good of him.

IDIOT PIRATE #1
Best of men, he is.

IDIOT PIRATE #2
Was. Was.

REST OF THE CAST rows away.

KRAKEN
Okay, I’ve given this some serious thought, and I’m totally going to kill you.

JACK
Whatever. There’s still one more movie.

KRAKEN
Feel my pain!

JACK feels his PAIN. DAVY JONES does not, IN FACT, get his HEART back.

DAVY JONES
I suppose I should end this by shouting Jack’s name to the sky now.
Or maybe a nice long “Noooooooo!” would do?

INT: EAST INDIA EBIL TRADING COMPANY HEADQUARTERS

NORRINGTON
I escaped from the island and brought you a still-beating heart.

BECKETT
Excellent. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

INT. POSSIBLY LOUISIANA

TIA
Me house is not a way station, people.

WILL
Sorry, I guess we just don’t know what to do without Jack. I mean, I didn’t
actually hope he would die. If there was some way we could bring him back-

TIA
You should know better dan to say tings like dat. Of course you can bring
Jack back. All you have to do is pursue a sequel.

ELIZABETH
I’ll do that. I repent my puppy kicking past.

REST OF THE CAST agrees.

TIA
Good. Now for de big cliffhanger.

CAPTAIN BARBOSSA
Yarrr! I made ye all some apple cobbler!

AUDIENCE
OMGWTFMEMO?!