This Is Not My Life

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Harry Potter and the Stone of Your Choice: Breadbox Edition
Private Moon
evadne_noel
I'm not even going to bother with an introduction, since no one is going to read it.

(Author's Note: Harry Potter in no way, shape or form belongs to me. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing and all associates and Warner Bros. films. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE: BREADBOX EDITION


FADE IN:
EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PAST

DUMBLEDORE shows up on the streets of a neighborhood where they rope off their lawns, as if that’s going to keep people off.

PROF. DUMBLEDORE
Let me put out the street lamps with
my PEZ dispenser. Ah, Prof. McGonagall…

PROF. MCGONAGALL
Wait, I’m still a cat, dang it.


POOF! She’s human. The SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM rejoices at their cleverness.

MCGONAGALL
Now I will say some things that seem to
provide background without meaning anything.

AUDIENCE
That’s okay. We already know the story.


HAGRID flies out of the sky on SIRIUS BLACK’S MOTORCYCLE, but no one mentions that.

HAGRID
I’m exactly as you imagined me.

DUMBLEDORE
I’m so glad you brought Harry, Hagrid. Now,
try to stay awake while I say some meaningful things.

HAGRID AND MCGONAGALL
Yes, you must be established as wise, if rather dull.


EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PRESENT

The neighborhood is EXACTLY THE SAME.

HARRY POTTER
My life is hell.

DUDLEY DURSLEY
My name is annoying alliteration. I’m pretty annoying too.

MR. AND MRS. DURSLEY
Grr…We hate you so much it’s amazing a Child Services
representative hasn’t taken you away yet.

HARRY
But I bear up like a saint.

MR. DURSLEY
If you do anything weird, I’ll skewer you with my tiny key.


INT. THE ZOO

DUDLEY
God, I’m annoying.

AUDIENCE
Don’t taunt the CGI snake.

HARRY
Hey, I can talk with the CGI snake!

CGI SNAKE
Yeah, well. You won’t be so thrilled about it in a year or so.


HARRY accidentally does something that leaves DUDLEY in a HUMOROUS, if SOMEWHAT CRUEL, situation.

MR. DURSLEY
I look like I’m going to sit on Harry.


EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – SOME TIME LATER

HARRY gets a LETTER. THE DURSLEYS panic and steal it.

AUDIENCE
Idiots. It’s easier to hide that one person is a wizard than
to hide that a bazillion owls are leaving letters at your house.


Eventually, HUNDREDS OF LETTERS fly around and smack into people. Miraculously, no one gets a PAPER CUT. HARRY tries to run off with a letter.

AUDIENCE
No, dork! Grab several! He can take one away easily!


MR. DURSLEY loses it and takes EVERYONE to a CGI HOUSE on a CGI ROCK in the middle of a CGI SEA.

INT. CGI HOUSE ON A CGI ROCK IN A CGI SEA

HARRY
Mmm…dirt birthday cake. I wish for large,
hairy man to knock the door down.


HAGRID knocks the door down.

HARRY
Ahh! Who are you?

HAGRID
You’re a wizard, Harry.

HARRY
That’s nice, but it didn’t really answer my question.

MR. DURSLEY
No, you can’t take him!

HAGRID
Too bad. C’mon, Harry.

HARRY
Um, did we skip some lines?


EXT. DIAGON ALLEY

RANDOM WIZARDS
Ack! It’s Harry Potter!

HARRY
Um…Hi?

PROF. QUIRRELL
I am not at all suspicious.


HAGRID opens the door to DIAGON ALLEY. AUDIENCE watches very closely so they can find the DELETED SCENES later.

HAGRID
Let’s visit the structurally unsound bank and get your money.

WILLOW THE BANKTELLER
Grr…I am unnecessarily unpleasant.


HARRY discovers he owns a large pile of CHOCOLATE PIRATE COINS. HAGRID picks up a package.

HAGRID
This is not at all important to the plot.


HARRY goes to get his WAND.

OLLIVANDER
I’m probably the second creepiest person in this movie, and
I’m in it for all of two minutes.


HARRY blows stuff up with various WANDS until he finds a WAND that doesn’t blow stuff up.

OLLIVANDER
Curious, curious…

HARRY
I know I’m going to regret asking, but…what’s curious?

OLLIVANDER
It’s just that…your wand made the theme
music play. I’ve only seen one other wand
do that. And it belonged to…You-Know-Who.

HARRY
Actually, I don’t yet.


HAGRID buys HARRY HEDWIG THE OWL, who doesn’t get her poor name said in the actual movie.

HARRY
Hagrid, who killed my parents?

HAGRID
Hold on, let me cue up the unnecessary flashback.

AUDIENCE
Mere exposition cannot hold my attention!
Look, there’s a Junior Mint on the floor!

HAGRID
Here’s your ticket, Harry. We’ve compressed
time and changed the date of your birthday.
Or you start school in July, your choice.
Either way, you’re on your own.

HARRY
Okay, now I’m lost.


Thankfully for the movie, HARRY runs into the WEASLEYS, who help him find his train.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE
We are not in this movie nearly enough.


INT. THE TRAIN

RON WEASLEY
Hi, I’m the first person you’ve met so, obviously, I’m
going to be your best friend.

HARRY
Wow! Bizarrely unappetizing wizard candy! And it
comes with a cheesy hologram!

CHEESY DUMBLEDORE HOLOGRAM
To think I was once an important plot element.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Hi, I’m your prerequisite female friend.

RON
You’re not supposed to be our friend yet.
Why is your hair crimped only in the back?

HERMIONE
It will all be crimped by the end of the movie.

HARRY
That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly.

RON
Wicked!


AUDIENCE flinches.

EXT. HOGWARTS

HAGRID
Harry! Glad you got here despite the fact
I abandoned you at the train station!

DRACO MALFOY
Finally, I’m in the movie. Take my
hand and you’ll become evil.

HARRY
Uh…no, thank you.

AUDIENCE
Oooh! Denied!

MCGONAGALL
All right, everyone. When I call you, in
no particular order, come up and have
the vaguely threatening Sorting Hat
decide your destiny.

AUDIENCE
What!? Why isn’t it in alphabetical order?

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Hey, it’s either this or a twenty-minute Sorting scene. And
I wouldn’t keep the entire Snape’s Class scene, so
I’m definitely not doing that.

SORTING HAT
Ahh…let me announce the slightly damning contents
of Harry’s head to the entire school. Gryffindor!


GHOSTS show up.

BLOODY BARON
Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time.


PROF. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Which he hasn’t.

INT. A RATHER WELL-LIT DUNGEON

SNAPE
All you stupid children need to know is that I’m
602 years old. And I should never be underlit.

THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK
He must be the bad guy.

REST OF AUDIENCE
Oh?

THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK
Well, it’s Alan Rickman.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

SNAPE
I need to have a confrontation with Harry, but since Chris cut out
the part where Harry sasses me, I come off looking like
I hate him for no good reason.

HARRY
Actually, you never really act as if you hate me.
It’s more like vague concern.

AUDIENCE
I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper
in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.”


EXT. HOGWART’S GROUNDS

DRACO
My helmet-hair has made me irritating
and generally unlikable.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I’m comic relief! Can’t you tell by my life threatening
antics and painful injury?

DRACO
Ha! I laugh at your pain!

HARRY
That’s not very nice.

DRACO
Grr! I hate you for not shaking my hand!


DRACO throws a BALL at HARRY, who catches it just outside of MCGONAGALL’S OFFICE, which is really bad timing, as she never appears to use that office EVER AGAIN.

MCGONAGALL
Well, I think we can overlook bad
behavior when athletics are on the line.

QUIRRELL
Remember, students: if you’re ever faced
with a vampire bat, an iguana will save your life.

OLIVER WOOD
I’m going to teach Harry to play Quidditch. Let
me thrash around like a moron on the ground.

FEMALE AUDIENCE OVER THE AGE OF 16
Finally, a hot guy.


EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS

AUDIENCE notices that HOGWARTS appears to have a high TEACHER TO STUDENT RATIO.

HERMIONE
Hey, Harry and Ron! Let me show you a Quidditch award
Harry’s father won. So, no pressure, Harry.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Please note the clever “M. McGonagall”
on the award, too. And the Riddle award.

RON
Wicked!

AUDIENCE
Argh.

RON (cont.)
Hey, why do you hang around with us so much, Hermione?


A STAIRCASE is bribed by DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS to deposit HARRY AND CO. some place they’re not supposed to be.

HOGWARTS, 3RD FLOOR
Check out my sinister decorations. They must use this floor to
hide important items every year.

FLUFFY
WOOF!


HARRY ET AL. run from the THREE-HEADED DOG. Wouldn’t you?

HERMIONE
Humph! If you two do things like that,
I won’t be your friend anymore.

AUDIENCE
But you’re not their friend!


INT. WILLOW THE PROFESSOR’S CLASS

SEAMUS blows something up and makes half the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.

HERMIONE shows off.

RON
Is she in earshot? Good.
I CAN’T STAND HER!


HERMIONE gets UPSET.

INT. HALLOWEEN

QUIRRELL
There’s a troll in the dungeon! I wonder
how it got there. I am certainly not responsible,
for I am a comic character. Watch me faint!

SNAPE
In anticipation of the attack, I’m going to
limp out of the room.

HARRY
Ron, your cruelty to Hermione has put her in imminent danger.
We have to rescue her.

RON
Oh, all right.


A TROLL menaces HERMIONE.

AUDIENCE
Argh, Lord of the Rings flashbacks!


HARRY and RON dispose of the TROLL in classic SLAPSTICK fashion.

HERMIONE
Well, look who finally got a spell right.

RON
Nothing has really changed. But I guess
we can be slightly less mean to you.


MCGONAGALL gives HARRY and RON FIVE FREAKIN’ POINTS each for knocking out the TROLL. FIVE!

SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

MCGONAGALL
Now, how are we going to get this troll
out of the girls’ bathroom?


INT. BREAKFAST

SEAMUS blows something else up and makes the other half of the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE.

HERMIONE
C’mon Harry. You have to eat before
the big CGI orgy that is Quidditch.


HEDWIG drops an OBVIOUSLY BROOMSTICK SHAPED package in front of HARRY.

RON
Wow, what do you think it is?

AUDIENCE
So, he’s getting his broom ten minutes before his first match?

SNAPE
I’m creepy, in case you’ve forgotten.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Then, he LIMPS off.

HARRY
I bet he went to see that three-headed dog.

HERMIONE
Why do you think that?

HARRY
I’m not too sure. It’s probably because
his cape flies out behind him when he walks.


EXT. QUIDDITCH

AUDIENCE
Wow, this is some of the best CGI I’ve ever seen.


GEORGE LUCAS feels threatened and makes a movie entirely out of CGI. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

HARRY, OLIVER, FRED AND/OR GEORGE and several UNNAMED FEMALE CHARACTERS WHOSE NAMES I KNOW ANYWAY throw balls around with the SLYTHERIN TEAM, which has the UGLIEST PEOPLE on the planet. People get beat up pretty bad.

MADAM HOOCH
Apparently, I never call fouls. By the
way, doesn’t my costume rock?

HARRY’S BROOM
You know what? Screw you, Potter.


HARRY’S BROOM tries to kill him.

HERMIONE
Actually, Snape is trying to kill him. Don’t
you see him talking to himself over there?
I hope Harry can survive the five minutes
it will take me to get over there.


HERMIONE sets her teacher on fire and NO ONE NOTICES.

HARRY is SAVED just in time to put himself in the MOST PRECARIOUS PLACE POSSIBLE to catch the snitch.

HARRY
Watch me comically vomit up the snitch.
But, Gryffindor wins, so that’s all that matters.


INT. A CHRISTMASY HOGWARTS

HERMIONE
Remember to look for that thing Hagrid
wasn’t supposed to tell us about.

HARRY
Nicolas Flamel. I know I’ve heard it before.

AUDIENCE
You might’ve if you’d read the back of
the cheesy Dumbledore hologram on the train.

RON
Shush! I’m playing chess. It’s wicked.

AUDIENCE
Wow, it must be expensive to play
wizard’s chess. And stop saying that!


HARRY gets an UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

AUDIENCE
Ugh. No wonder they make it so you don’t see it.


HARRY decides to sneak around at night with his UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

HARRY
Hmm…the library. That ought to be nice and safe…

BOOK
LET ME OUT OF HERE! MADAM PINCE
IS A LITTLE FASCIST!


HARRY has to RUNS from FILCH…right into QUIRRELL and SNAPE.

HARRY
Aw, crap.


SNAPE barely reaches out and conveniently misses HARRY.

SNAPE
Huh.
*to Quirrell*
Now, give me your lunch money.


HARRY runs into a room with a MIRROR that shows him HIS DEAD PARENTS.

AUDIENCE
Wow, he’s taking this rather well. I’d
be freaking out by now.

HARRY
Mum! Dad…I don’t really look like you, do I?


HARRY becomes OBSESSED because he doesn’t much resemble his dad.

HARRY
Why, Dad, why?

DUMBLEDORE
Harry, it’s not that important. Really.


HARRY moves on with his life.

EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE

HAGRID
Hi, I’m not up to anything.

HERMIONE
We never said…

HAGRID
Ah, you got me! Look a baby dragon!

AUDIENCE
It’s in five seconds of the movie and it
got a toy. Cute, though.

HARRY
Hagrid told me he’s always wanted a dragon.

AUDIENCE
No, he didn’t.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Probably should have edited that too, huh?

DRACO
How did I know where they were? Slytherin is in
the dungeon. Did I look out a window?


WHAM! MCGONAGALL busts EVERYONE.

MCGONAGALL
You three will be punished because you were out late. And you,
Draco, will be punished for being a jagoff.


EXT. FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH

HAGRID
We’re looking for a unicorn. You’ll know it because it’s
shiny and idealized. I’m perfectly okay with splitting up
the eleven-year-olds.


HARRY AND DRACO find the UNICORN, which looks like a BIG, DUMB HORSE WITH A HORN TAPED TO ITS HEAD.

AUDIENCE
Aw, the poor thing is suffering from Legend syndrome.


Oh, and they find a SCARY BLACK THING. That moves kind of STUPIDLY toward HARRY.

HARRY
Help!


Some REALLY BAD CGI saves HARRY.

AUDIENCE
Ewwww…I think Columbus blew his
effects budget on the Quidditch scene.

REALLY BAD CGI
Boy am I unconvincing. Almost as
unconvincing as Voldemort there.

HARRY
That’s Voldemort? That cloak?


INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

HARRY
Time to save the world for the first time.

HERMIONE
Why do I switch from “You-Know-Who”
to “Voldemort” mid-scene?



EXT. HOGWARTS

SNAPE
Just wanted to remind you…


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.

SNAPE (cont.)
…that I’m really creepy.


EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE

HARRY
Hagrid, stop playing the theme music for a minute. Seeing as
you’re always telling us things you shouldn’t, is it
possible that you’ve spilled any important
secrets to anyone else?

HAGRID
Oh, probably.

HARRY
Want to tell us too, so we can even the
playing field a bit?

HAGRID
Sure.

NEVILLE
Everyone thinks Seamus is me! I must
prove there’s a difference!


NEVILLE fails to accomplish ANYTHING.

INT. GETTING TO THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE

HARRY
I feel like we should be feeding Fluffy a honey cake.

RON
Good thing this harp is still here.
Hagrid never did give Harry that flute.


HARP stops. SOMETHING DISGUSTING lands on RON.

RON
Oh, ew! Why is it always me?

FLUFFY
WOOF!


HARRY AND CO. jump into a TRAP DOOR and land on the VENUS FLYTRAP FROM HELL.

HERMIONE
If you relax, the Devil’s Snare will let you go.

AUDIENCE
I’m sure I’d be able to relax if a big-ass
plant was hugging me to death.


HERMIONE makes the SUN come out of her WAND to save RON, who just can’t relax, for some reason.

HARRY AND HIS HAPPY BUDDIES find a room full of flying keys.

HARRY
There’s one with a broken wing.

AUDIENCE
How did he see that? They all look the same to me.


HARRY hops on a BROOM to catch BROKEN KEY. Suddenly, DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS starts to channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK and the KEYS start attacking HARRY.

HARRY
Pfft. Like a bunch of keys is a problem.

RON
Now that we’ve got Hermione and your
specialties out of the way, let’s do mine.


CUE GIANT CHESSBOARD

AUDIENCE
Why do those giant pieces look about a hundred years old?
The board’s only been there since the beginning of
the year,plus it must’ve been cleared when Quirrell
played through.

HARRY
Wait, who did you just say played through?

AUDIENCE
Uh…never mind.


RON plays them across the BOARD. AUDIENCE tries to follow along, but gets confused by that FREAKIN’ LETTER-NUMBER SYSTEM CHESS USES.

AUDIENCE
Where’s my chessboard?


CHESS PIECES blow up.

RON
Oh no! I have to sacrifice myself to
the queen! I’m brilliant at chess, but
there’s no way I could have seen this
coming more than a move beforehand!


QUEEN lays the smackdown on RON…’S HORSE.

RON
Wic…ked.

AUDIENCE
Huh. That seemed slightly less violent
than the other attacks.


HARRY checks the USELESS KING.

HARRY
Hermione, take Ron and get help.

HERMIONE
How, genius? He’s unconscious and there’s only one
broom anyway. Plus attacking keys and Fluffy.

HARRY
I’m going to take on Snape.


HARRY goes to the room with the MIRROR THAT SHOWED HIM HIS DEAD PARENTS. In front of it is…

HARRY
Quirrell! But you were so not
suspicious!

QUIRRELL
I know. Ain’t I a stinker? Now come here and find the stone.
I’m evil, so I can’t.


HARRY’S REFLECTION sticks a STONE that could stand to be put in a ROCK TUMBLER in HARRY'S POCKET.

HARRY
Think fast, Harry…I don’t see it.

QUIRRELL
Drat, foiled again.

VOLDEMORT
Quirrell, you idiot, let me out. I can’t breathe in here.


QUIRRELL takes off his TURBAN to reveal VOLDEMORT on the back of his head. It’s REALLY FREAKY.

VOLDEMORT
Ah…Harry Potter. I was hoping you…
Quirrell, could you turn around so I could
actually look at the boy, please?


HARRY’S PARENTS appear in the MIRROR. They look like they’re going to a FUNERAL.

VOLDEMORT
So, Harry. Why not try evil?

HARRY
As I’ve already made clear…NO.

VOLDEMORT
Well, that didn’t work. Quirrell, kill him.


QUIRRELL tries to grab HARRY, but his hands turn to STONE.

QUIRRELL
What’s going on?! Though, I don’t know why I’m so surprised
as I went out of my way in Diagon Alley not to
shake Harry’s hand!

AUDIENCE
So, just his hands have this power?


HARRY turns QUIRRELL to STONE, but forgets that just because you’ve killed a wizard, doesn’t mean you’ve killed a wizard.

HARRY passes out from the PURE FORCE OF EVIL that passes through him.

VOLDEMORT
I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little unnamed owl too!


INT. HOSPITAL WING

HARRY
Wow, I’ve never been here before.

AUDIENCE
Don’t worry, you’ll see plenty of it.

DUMBLEDORE
Hi, Harry. Glad you’re awake. Quirrell’s dead, Voldemort’s weak
and the stone’s destroyed. Happy endings all around.


DUMBLEDORE’S belated attempt at humor falls FLAT.

INT. GREAT HALL

DUMBLEDORE
And Slytherin wins the House Cup.

SLYTHERIN HOUSE
Whoo-hoo!

SNAPE
Must…concentrate…on…clapping.

DUMBLEDORE
Buuuuut…I’m going to give just enough points
to Hermione, Ron, Harry and, believe it or not,
Neville, to make Gryffindor beat Slytherin.

GRYFFINDOR HOUSE
WHOO-HOO!

HARRY
See everyone next year! I’m sure things will
be much calmer by then.

AUDIENCE
Suuuuure.


SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before.


Couple of extra notes now:
1) So what was that look Snape gave Harry in the hallway? It was either a "Ah! Where did you come from?" or "Did I leave a bundt cake in the oven?"

2) Big, big, big, huge, gigantic thanks to Marty. She went to see this with me when it first came out, watched it on video with me when I decided to write this, and gave really great suggestions for jokes. Thanks, Marty!

3) Okay, I really want to explain one of the lines in this BBE, because a lot of people remark on it, and I want my position clear. Here's the line:

AUDIENCE
I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper
in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.”


Now, here's Snape's line (from the book) that this refers to:

...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death...

A lot of people claim that "stopper death" means "stop death" or "put a stop to death." I argue, no. A stopper is a piece of cork or rubber put in the mouth of a flask or phial to close it. Something a Potions Master would need fairly frequently. And since the previous two things Snape lists are potions related metaphors, "bottle" and "brew", I'm going to assume Snape mean "stopper" in the cork closer way. I think part of the confusion is that "stopper" is usually a noun, not a verb. But, I still argue that death is not difficult to create and put in a bottle closed with a stopper. Poison, Snape! It's poison!

Sorry, I just really needed to say my piece.
Tags: ,

I read this before I went to lunch. Now, I am normally a creature of habit, I am afraid of wasting money on things I might not like. Well, today I got a bundt cake to go with my sandwich. Let no one say that comedy doesn't help people.

Well, I hope you liked the bundt cake, and my icon/story didn't lead you astray. Personally, I am all about the bundt cake. Maybe just because it has such a cool name. "Bundt"..."cake"...mmmmmm.

(Deleted comment)
Yay for multiple readings!

(Deleted comment)
Hi. I've been a fan of your Breadbox Editions since my cousin quoted almost the entire LoTR:FoTR through the extended version. I thought it was hilarious, my sister was getting annoyed (more points to you), and my cousin was cracking up. I went and found your stuff on The Pit. I was sad to see them taken down, but happy they're here now.

I loved your HP Breadbox editions, though I have to say, my favorite thing is your title: I didn't know about the mix-up between "sorcerer" and "philosopher" until I read the description of what the thing was supposed to do in the book. I practically shouted, "That's the philosopher's stone, not the sorcerer's stone. Geez, what's wrong with this?" ...Then I found out it was the stupid American publishers, and it all made sense.

It so totally was an antique Pez dispenser.

I thought their casting and costume for Hagrid was brilliant, but my mom thinks he should've been scruffier.

The snake annoyed me. It would've been so difficult for them to get a real one, at least for in-the-cage stuff? Really? But I love snakes and I'm a freak.

CGI overdose. Utterly. Completely. I wanted to scream: "At least fake it! Make a tiny island in a swimming pool, for goodness sake! They're called miniatures! Look into it!"

I never understood the Dursley's motivation for keeping Harry away form Hogwarts. I mean, come on, he's out of your house. So what if he's "one of those freaks"? You'd be getting rid of him. I wonder if they'd have felt differently about him going if they knew someone was going to try and kill him all the time?

"I'm not at all suspicious" Cracks me up every. Single. Time.

And I should never be underlit I adore Alan Rickman, but his "look" as Snape is just not on...

Re: Draco's helmet hair. Thank you! Dumbest. Hair style. Ever.

*giggles like a 12-year-old* Hee hee, CGI orgy...

HARRY becomes OBSESSED because he doesn’t much resemble his dad. So that's where all the "Snape/Sirius/Lupin/fill in the blank is realy Harry's dad" stories come from...

I love you pointing out all the inconsistencies. It's great. Much love to fault-finding. And bad directing. And the ending always pissed me off: Slytherin won, fair and square, and they were ripped off. I would've thought Hufflepuff would be pissed off because that's not playing fair. The whole "Whoops, I'm going to sneak this in" thing was a huge waste of time and effort, if you ask me, and certainly isn't going to help inter-house relations. For shame, JK, for shame.

That whole "stopper death" thing always baffled me. It doesn't make much sense to me either way. You can stop death, which could be a not-so-veiled reference to the effect of the Philosopher's stone, or it could be to put death in a bottle and stopper it, which would be, as you pointed out, poison. So, either way, it just seemed a little too ambiguous.

...so, even if no one else read it, I did! And I'm sorry for the really-really long post, I just thought I should make up for never reviewing it at the Pit.

You know what really bothered me about the end of the movie? Dumbledore is a total jerk in that scene. If he had given the points to Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville before the end of year feast, I would have been okay with. But, no. The Slytherin flags are flying, the Slytherin students are celebrating, and Snape is clapping like all his effort is directed into it. Then, PSYCHE! Nothing like blantant house favortism.

Not that Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville didn't deserve the points. But Dumbledore should have done it earlier. The whole school already knew what they did, so it's not like the points would have been coming out of thin air.

Anyway, thanks for the review. I don't blame you for not reviewing at the Pit. It's not like I could have responded to your comments, like now.

yes! my harry potter!

(Anonymous)
ah, this one was even more funny than i remember! i love it!

MR. DURSLEY loses it and takes EVERYONE to a CGI HOUSE on a CGI ROCK in the middle of a CGI SEA.
^ haha i so thought the same thing when i saw that movie!

RON
You’re not supposed to be our friend yet.
Why is your hair crimped only in the back?

HERMIONE
It will all be crimped by the end of the movie.
HARRY
That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly.
RON
Wicked!
AUDIENCE flinches.
^ wicked! thats like my fave word ever and Harry's eyes do change color constantly, although i must say that Dan's eyes are very pretty....

HERMIONE
C’mon Harry. You have to eat before
the big CGI orgy that is Quidditch.
^ heh cgi orgy

AUDIENCE
Wow, this is some of the best CGI I’ve ever seen.
GEORGE LUCAS feels threatened and makes a movie entirely out of CGI. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
^ i'd believe it

RON
Oh no! I have to sacrifice myself to
the queen! I’m brilliant at chess, but
there’s no way I could have seen this
coming more than a move beforehand!


QUEEN lays the smackdown on RON…’S HORSE.
RON
Wic…ked.
AUDIENCE
Huh. That seemed slightly less violent
than the other attacks.
^ i totally thought that too! i could've sworn in the book it said that it hit Ron in the head....

haha anyways, i just had to quote all my fave parts because i love them so! thanks so much for the laugh!

i finally took that house sorter test thingie on the official hp website and it said i was in gryffindor! although i'm not quite sure how they calculated that from the retarded questions they asked....

Cheers, Victoria


Re: yes! my harry potter!

I don't think the questions on the official page accurately sort out who would be in what House. Admittedly, I got Slytherin on that test, and every subsequent test I've taken. I suppose that says something about me (probably something not very good), but I have no inclination to become even a moderately evil wizard.

Oh well, thanks for the review, Victoria.

^_^

(Anonymous)
I must say, although I like just about all the lines, I particularely agree with this one:

FEMALE AUDIENCE OVER THE AGE OF 16: Finally, a hot guy.

^_^ Oliver Wood always was my favorite. Well, favorite in the movie, anyway. Favorite in the book is Peeves. ^_^

I'd comment on more of the lines, but then this'll end up being uber-long.

By the way, I was watching a movie last night, and sometimes, there would be scenes where I thought, "This would be such a good BBE!" Ever thought about doing Ella Enchanted? Speaking of which, read that book. Spiffier than the movie. *shakes head* You know, I had been upset when they said they were adding an evil uncle to the movie, but I wasn't so annoyed when I found out it was Cary Elwes. ^_^ I like him.

Before I go, I must tell you: I thinking my favorite line out of all the BBEs has to be this:

TOBEY MAGUIRE: I have loved you since I was a fetus. Let's just be friends.

While checking to make sure I spelled his name right, I found that they plan on a third movie. Cross your fingers and hope for Venom, who is my favorite villain. Okay, sure, I've only seen him in the PSX game...but I liked him in it! Especially when he said, "Jameson? We hates Jameson!" ^_^ I swear, he sounded so much like Gollum.

Must go! Am currently reading archives of Bob and George (bobandgeorge.com).

Re: ^_^

(Anonymous)
Silly me! Forgot to sign that!

Note to self: get LJ account

~C-chan

Re: ^_^ (Anonymous) Expand
HEY!!!!!
At last...harry potter...
Why did you say that no one was going to read this?? This is wonderful, hilarious, it makes me laugh so much...This is good!! I read it outloud so everyone who was at home could hear it! FUN!!
Thank you so much for posting it!! Now just two more hp to go...
I didn't know you had a spiderman bbe either?? I'm just....
Okay...now i'm going to review...
I always quote the pez dispenser...it annoys everyone...its sooo much fun!
And I agree with you about the "put a stopper on death", the very first time I read it in the books, I thought, JK thats stupid...you know its poison...and then in the movie I thought, thats really stupid, really really stupid...everyone knows its poison!! Now I know, because of your notes, that not everyone knows...ok...stopping with the subject!
So again...thank you sooooooooooooooo very much
And i can't wait for your next post!:)

I didn't mean that I didn't think anyone would read the Breadbox. I meant I thought no one would read any introduction I wrote and skip right to the parody. Sorry. I was confusing.

I'll have the next one up before too long.

I never knew in the book it said "stopper death" (then again, HOW many years has it been since I read that? I don't like the first book much..) And in the movie, I thought for sure he said "put a stopper to death", but my mind can be tricksy....false! *has a brief Gollum moment*

Anyway, I love ALL of the Snape lines in this BBE. Especially the repitition of "Snape looks at Harry as if he's never seen him before" XD and of course, the CGI orgy. and the audience over 16 who thinks Oliver Wood is hot, hehe. Really, there is a serious lack of hot guys in this movie. But then again, LOTR has enough for all of us :D I can't believe some people think Draco's actor-thing is hot! he's....very....ugly o.o'' Eek. (and for the record, I always read your intros, hehe. I like reading)

Re: God, I'm annoying.

The first book isn't really my favorite, but I think I've read it at least twice. (Guilty confession...I've only read the fifth book once.)

Tom Felton is awesome by virtue of his own awesomeness, but, yeah, Draco is not all that hot. And he's freakin' 11.

YAY! YES! WHOO-HOO!!!!! I agree that Dumbledore was unfair to the Slytherins. It gets funnier everytime. Apparently there is no Ravenclaw at Hogwarts, at least, they never mention it in the movies! WHOOO! On to the Chamber of Secrets!!* does happy dance*

Signed
Eyes of Forest

PSI think that the POA BBE is perfecto, no changes. NONE!!

Well, you asked for it long enough. How could I go on denying you Harry Potter?

Yeah, where is Ravenclaw? Are they all in the library all the time so they can't be filmed? Or when the action is in the library, are they hanging out in their common room?

Wow, that is a great icon. I think that any icon with Snape can't help but be hilarious, especially if they include something decidely non-menacing.

Snape is the Man, no matter what he's doing or saying.

Yay! You're doing the HP ones! I loves me them HP ones! Please hurry and put up the next couple, mostly cos I want to read the POA BBE. It, along with everything else, is one of my favorites. And I was thinking "stopper" in the cork sense. It's just rational.

Squee!

(Anonymous)
This stuff always makes me laugh the crap out of myself...

Okay, so that's not too pleasant of an image, but still.

And, you know, there are always those not-too-bright folks that completely don't get the whole BBE... which is sort of sad. Like my mom. Who completely was like, "What? There weren't any PEZ dispensers in the movie!"

*roll eyes*

--
BLOODY BARON
Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time.
--

Oh my gosh, I KNOW! That always bugged the HEY out of me... the BB's supposed to be silent and gaunt and bloody and freaky, and instead he's like... a badly stereotyped character in a childrens show! *bangs book on head*

I happen to LOVE the bloody baron, and they completely minced the whole character. *sigh*

*leaves Evadne a big plate of cookies*

Wow! I have spent the past few hours rolling on the floor and changing my soiled panties because of your BBE's. I never knew the whole fan fiction thing - I guess I'm just too uncool - but I am a newcomer to the whole livejournal scene. You are quite possible the funniest person I have ever not met! I plan to check back every hour on the hour to see if you have posted a new story. Kudos!

Signed, as always,
The Pirate of Your Heart
(Number 18 in the Program, Number 1 in your Liver)
Mary Jane Crowe

Uh, I wouldn't check back too often, as I am the slowest fanfiction writer on the planet (this would be why I don't do chaptered stories).

Pleased to meet you however. Hope you enjoy the rest of the stuff.

Yaaaaaaay

(Anonymous)
Finally, you're posting the Harry Potter BBE's! *cheers*
Just wanted to ask - hope I'm not repeating what someone else has said - are you going to post the Companion Guide? I LOVED the Companion Guide. It was every bit as funny as your writing.
... On that note, would your friend consider writing (or would you consider letting her write) companion guides for other Breadbox scripts?

Ta,
-Jerry Protter

Re: Yaaaaaaay

(Anonymous)
Oh, I forgot to say, did you know the "structurally unsound bank" is actually the Australian Embassy in London? That's what they used for filming. Heheh.

-Jerry Protter

Re: Yaaaaaaay (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Yaaaaaaay (Anonymous) Expand
"Must...concentrate..on..clapping."

And I love the cute CGI snake! Though I agree, a real one would have been nice.

This BBE is pure genius.

Thank you!

I love determined Snape. Clap, man! Clap with the proportional strength of TEN!

You're right, you'd think getting a real snake wouldn't be that difficult.

Very good story *LOL*

(Anonymous)
Just read your Breadbox edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and it is hilarious! Congratulations! Especially the line of the Bloody Baron "we'll get Peter Pan for sure this time", as I feel that the Bloody Baron they had in the flim was totally different from the one described in the book. I couldn't stop laughing at that one.

Re: Very good story *LOL*

Yaaarrrr, pirate Bloody Baron be amusing, matey.

...that these have been taken off fanfiction.net. I can see their point, but really, they should be looking for quality instead of shape. There is so much rubbish on that site... why get rid of the very rare good stuff?
Have you tried fictionalley.org? I don't know whether they have the same stupid regulations as ff.net, but they're definitely looking for quality. Or have been when I last checked. :) Problem is, of course, that ff.net's search function is unmatched. In my opinion, at least.
I would also like to encourage you to post your BB editions on a website called The Pensieve (www.the-pensieve.org) as the people there are very sensible and treat literary works with great care and professionalism. Also, they are really nice to hang out with, if you happen to not know what to do with your time. :D
Everything else about the BBxes I have said in previous reviews. Keep up the good work. Every of your pieces is worth reading and re-reading each time.

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been meaning to look for other places to put my stuff, but I really haven't had time to check regulations, make adjustments and such. I really don't have time right now to be changing my work to fit others' rules, but as soon as I have time (yeah, right), I hope to do some searching. Thanks for the heads up.

Also, thank you again for reading.

Bravo!!^^ I know everyone else quotes it too but....

SNAPE
Must…concentrate…on…clapping.

I must now go buy a new key-board as my old one now has a Starburst slurpie leaking into it's insides.^^

Hey, that's my favorite line. I don't mind seeing it again. Determined Snape is great!

Hee! This is great. Especially loved the bit about Oliver Wood.
Also? Totally with you on the 'stopper death' thing. And on a connected yet random note, I think potions would be fun. (Although not so much with Snape hating you.)

I LOVE your icon. Seriously.

Potions would be fun, but only if you could be a nameless character who probably doesn't have to deal with Snape as much as Harry or Neville. Because that would totally suck, otherwise.

Man, but it's better the 4846263th time.

Dude, just wait 'till your 5598539879843th time. It's a total trip.

Wow , my friend Grace showed this to me , its awesome , after she showed it to me I became a faithful reader of your livejournal!:)

§Krissy§

Thank you! I hope I continue to amuse you!

The thing is hilarious, as always. Just felt like pointing out that the "stopper death" line really mean what you think it does, 'cause in the Finnish translation there's big difference to stop something and stopper something, and it's the latter. Thought you might want to know.

Yes! I have been vindicated by Finland! Those are words I never thought I'd need to say.

I'm glad you liked the story! Thank you for reading.

Stopper Death

(Anonymous)
Well, as to the Stopper Death part, I agree he meant it as in put a stopper in death, as in bottling it...But as to everyone saying its not that hard, its called poison, i think thats what he MEANS, lol Hints in the other books tell that poisons are one of the types of potions he teaches, and so that, even though taken as a joke, it probably exactly what he means. Just my two knuts worth

Oh, I'm fairly certain Snape was talking about poisons. My problem is more that he talks about it as if it was some great, mystical, potions specific thing to stopper death. But we Muggles have had no problem with it. I mean, you can't make anything that kills faster than instantly, and we already have that. It's not like brewing poisons is a huge accomplishment.

W00t!

(Anonymous)
You did great! I just keep reading this! <3

Thank you! I hope you keep reading!

"HARRY
That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly."

Heh! It's Mary-Sue Harry.

Great BBE.

Can one be a Mary Sue if one is a canonical main character?

On second thought, yeah.

Glad you liked it!

BLOODY BARON
Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time.


I KNEW I wasn't the only one thinking about that! XD

Of course you weren't! He looked like a freaky happy pirate!

Ahh, the hilarity!!
THE HILARITY!!!

Glad you think so! Thanks.

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