This Is Not My Life

No. Really. It's not.

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Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Breadbox Edition
Private Moon
evadne_noel
DOES THE HAPPY EVADNE MAMBO.

(Author’s Note: This series continues to not be mine, for which we should all be grateful. Rowling and WB be praised. Thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, and to Marty for inspiring me with talk of Snape/Queen Susan the Gracious Hostess ballroom dancing.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE: BREADBOX EDITION


FADE IN:

INT. FRANK BRYCE’S HOUSE

FRANK makes TEA.

HARRY POTTER (DREAM V.O.)
Oh, great. A tea making dream. Fascinating.


FRANK hears things and investigates GIANT SCARY HOUSE.

WORMTAIL
My Lord, wouldn’t it just be better not to have a convoluted plot this year?

BABY VOLDEMORT
WHAT? No convoluted plot! They are what made me a Dark Lord!

WORMTAIL
I’m just saying…

BABY VOLDEMORT
Barty, tell this guy off!

BARTY CROUCH, JR.
My Lord, I’m just here to suck the suspense out of the movie.

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
And I’m here to gross you out!


THE NAGINI HOME ALARM SYSTEM alerts BABY VOLDEMORT to FRANK.

BABY VOLDEMORT
No one must see me like this! I’m not wearing makeup!

FRANK
Ack.
*gets dead*

HARRY (DREAM V.O.)
Well, this just took a turn for the incredibly wrong.

DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL
Where’s your children’s book now, world?


INT. THE BURROW

HERMIONE GRANGER
Harry! Wake up!

HARRY
Wha? Hey, I’m already with the Weasley’s? Best opening ever! Sure, someone
just died, but I don’t have to deal with the Dursleys.

HERMIONE
Get up, Harry!

HARRY
Hermione, when did you become so bitchy?

HERMIONE
I’m bossy, not bitchy! I’m asserting myself.

RON WEASLEY
What’s wrong with Hermione?

HARRY
She’s asserting herself.

RON
Ah, wake me up when she’s done.

HERMIONE
UP! NOW!

RON
Okay, okay.

AUDIENCE
Whipped.


EXT. SOME WOODS

MR. WEASLEY leads the WEASLEYS AND FRIENDS around in CIRCLES.

RON
Hey, check it out, Harry. I got some new facial expressions just for this movie.

HARRY
That’s nice. So, what’s going on? Can I get some exposition for why
we’re here?


CEDRIC DIGGORY drops out of a TREE.

HARRY
Ah! What were you…?

CEDRIC
Nothing.

HARRY
Are you…Spiderman?

CEDRIC
I said: nothing.

AMOS DIGGORY
C’mon kids, let’s take this Portkey to the Ren Faire.


PORTKEY offers further PROOF that wizarding transportation SUCKS.

EXT. REN FAIRE WORLD CUP

HARRY continues to be amazed by MAGIC.

MR. WEASLEY
Time to move along, Harry. We need to imply that Quidditch still exists in the
movieverse, so let’s find our seats for the World Cup. We’re in the Top Box.

RON
Wow, the Ministry Box?

MR. WEASLEY
Uh, no. Not in the movie. We’re literally at the top of the Millennium Dome.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Of course you are. Let my son and me just show up to remind you of how
utterly inferior you are.

DRACO MALFOY
Ah-ha! You SUCK!

LUCIUS
No, Draco! No actual mocking! Your mere presence should be enough!
Bad Draco! No biscuit!

HARRY
What a weird family.

LUCIUS
Potter, you should know better by now than to call attention to yourself.

HARRY
Ew. Can we leave now? He’s molesting me with his cane again.

CORNELIUS FUDGE
Are you ready for some QUIDDITCH!?

AUDIENCE AND CAST
Yay!

FUDGE
Well, first direct your attention to our Jumbotron for one of the future
secondary characters in this story!

WIZARD AUDIENCE
We can’t! We ARE the Jumbotron!


AUDIENCE sees VIKTOR KRUM, who is SILENTLY MANLY and all that SHIT. But mostly just SILENT.

RON
I’d do him.

HARRY AND HERMIONE
What?

RON
Uh, nothing.

FUDGE
All right, now it is time for the Quidditch World Cup to BEGIN!


INT. WEASLEY’S MAGIC TENT THAT SURPRISES HARRY FOR SOME REASON

AUDIENCE
…AND END!

HARRY
Oh, man. That stuff that the Audience didn’t see was so awesome.


The TWINS and HARRY mock RON about his upcoming WEDDING to KRUM.

RON
Oh, shut up or I won’t put you in the wedding party!


NOISE happens.

MR. WEASLEY
C’mon, there’s mass panic outside! People are running blindly about, trampling
others, fleeing some unseen terror! We have to get in on that!

HERMIONE
Isn’t that dangerous?

MR. WEASLEY
Of course not!


HARRY immediately gets lost and knocked unconscious, but remains UNTRAMPLED due to his amazing magical power of BEING THE PROTAGONIST.

HARRY wakes up later and is menaced by someone in a SHINY BLACK COAT OF EVIL who calls up a SNAKE/SKULL OTP MASCOT OF EVIL.

RON
Harry, thank goodness we found you long after the danger had passed.

HARRY
What’s with the random sky-written snake?

HERMOINE
That’s You-Know-Who’s symbol!

HARRY
Hermione, are you back to not saying Voldemort’s name again?


HARRY and FRIENDS are menaced by MINISTRY OFFICIALS who apparently don’t look before FIRING OFF RANDOMLY.

BARTEMIUS CROUCH, SR.
Which one of you children did it? Which one of you is a Death Eater? Which one of you
has caused me to freak out and act in a way totally not befitting a leader under pressure?

HARRY
Uh, none of us. But I saw someone.

CROUCH
Who, damn you? WHO?

HARRY
How should I know? I don’t know every wizard in the world!


CROUCH and MINISTRY OFFICIALS leave a POOF of frustration.

INT. HOGWARTS TRAIN

HARRY
Great, we’re already hearing news of Death Eaters. I predict this year is going to
suck worse than any other before it.

HERMIONE
Practicing your Divination?

HARRY
No need. It’s not like I’ll be attending that class this year.

CHO CHANG
Hi, I’m a girl!

HARRY
Did you guys see that? It was a girl!

HERMIONE
If you’re quite done, Harry, I think I should bring up Sirius so you don’t forget about
him during the movie.

HARRY
Hmm? Oh, right. I love him very much and would be quite put out should anything
ever happen to him. I’ll send him a letter asking for a cameo.


EXT. HOGWARTS

HAGRID directs a FLYING HORSE COACH to the HOGWARTS LANDING STRIP, nearly causing it to HIT HIMSELF.

FRED AND/OR GEORGE WEASLEY
Well, there’s something you don’t see every day

GEORGE AND/OR FRED WEASLEY
What, Hagrid nearly getting himself killed? I thought that was pretty standard.


THE LAKE vomits up a SHIP.

GIANT SQUID
Hey, watch it!

MERPEOPLE
Tourist drivers!


INT. HOGWARTS

PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE
Well, I’m glad everyone has made it safely to the school without incident for once.


FILCH enters, doing the “OMG WHERE’S THE LOO?” DANCE.

DUMBLE DORE (cont.)
Well, Mr. Filch has informed me that our guests are ready to entertain us with their
Dance Spectacular. First up, we have the ladies from Beauxbatons with their interpretive
dance entitled, “I flit about like a butterfly on a sun dappled meadow.”


A bunch of MARY SUES enter, and entrance everyone with their AIRLINE STEWARDESS UNIFORMS.

DUMBLEDORE (cont.)
Wasn’t that lovely? And now, our manly neighbors from the north at Durmstrang will
give us a demonstration of their colorguard-slash-breakdance team.

RON
Wait, I thought Krum was from Bulgaria.

HERMIONE
And I thought “Durmstrang” was from the German “strum und drang.”

HARRY
Either way, what the hell kind of map is Dumbledore using?


The DURMSTRANG boys make a lot of HUFFING NOISES and RUIN THE TILE by pounding their STAVES.

RON
Why are the other schools sex-specific?

HERMIONE
Hogwarts is a progressive school that encourages co-education.
I read it in Hogwarts, A History.

DUMBLEDORE
Golf claps, everyone. Golf claps. Thank you. And now that we have that out of the way,
let me explain what’s going to happen: we’re going to encourage international
cooperation by pitting students from different schools against each other in
tests that could kill them.

AUDIENCE
Yes. That’ll engender cooperation.

DUMBLEDORE
This operates on much the same principle as the theory that pitting the different Hogwarts
Houses against each other every year causes them to like each other more. And that always
seems to work. And now, before we unveil the Sacrament, Mr. Crouch here
would like to have a few words.

CROUCH
*Ahem* HEIL!

CAST
What?

CROUCH
Sorry. Anyway. I’d just like to say that this tournament promises eternal fame and glory
to whoever wins. But it also hints at an early demise because we’ll be putting teenagers
into dangerous situations that most adults would find extremely difficult. So, we’ve
therefore put an age limit of 17 on the tournament. I apologize to those 7th years that will
be turning 17 now through December. Sucks to be you.

CAST LED BY FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Boooo to your stupid rule!

HARRY
I wouldn’t enter even if I could. I don’t want eternal fame and glory.

ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY
HA! Just try to avoid us, kid!



Suddenly, LIGHTNING flashes and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE enters.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Don’t mind the fact that lightning accompanies my entrance. It means nothing sinister.

RON
Hey, it’s Mad-Eye Moody, Pirate-Auror!

“MAD-EYE MOODY”
Yarrrr. Me parrot died on the way over the mountains.

DUMBLEDORE
Did you walk all this way? I sent a car.

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Mad-Eye Moody needs no car.


LATER:

PROFESSOR KARKAROFF tries to JUSTIFY HIS EXISTENCE.

KARKAROFF
Suspect me!

AUDIENCE
NO!


INT. “MAD-EYE MOODY’S” EXPOSITION 101 CLASS

“MOODY”
All right, who wants to give background on the new curses for this movie?

RON
Hey! I actually know this for once. The Imperious Curse-

“MOODY”
Controls other people! Yes! Let me demonstrate on this giant spider.
Don’t faint, Weasley!

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
I really don’t want to talk about it, but the Cruciatus Curse-

“MOODY”
Tortures people! Come up here and get a closer look, Longbottom.
Oh, yeah. That must hurt.

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Ahahahaha! Look at him squirm!

HERMIONE
You horrible, horrible person! You make me not want to answer questions for you,
which I’ve never, never considered before!

“MOODY”
Don’t want to tell me the last curse?

HERMIONE
Well, I would but it seems like-

“MOODY”
Exactly! I don’t let people finish sentences!


“MOODY” kills the SPIDER.

“MOODY”
That was Avada Kedavra. And only one slimy little brat…I mean, one singular
person has survived it. Yes, I’m talking about you, Harry. No use looking
away like it’s Ron or something.


EXT. STAIRWELL

HARRY
Well, that was extremely awkward.

HERMIONE
Just be glad you aren’t Neville. He’s been brooding at that stained glass window of St.
Mungo since class ended. He’s even managed to make it rain to match his mood.

NEVILLE
These wounds won't seem to heeeeal/
This pain is just too reeeeeal/
There's just too much that time cannot eraaaase.

“MOODY”
Neville, I’m very sorry for what happened in class. Let’s go to my office,
which will not be intimidating at all.

AUDIENCE
Don’t do it, Neville! He’s going to eat you!


INT. GREAT HALL

DUMBLEDORE
Today, we will be announcing the participants in this year’s Certain Death
Competition as chosen by our Magical Inanimate Object with Unknowable
Criteria. The final winner will receive this lovely 100% Waterford Crystal
trophy. Looks lovely over any mantelpiece.


DUMBLEDORE announces CEDRIC, FLEUR DELACOEUR and KRUM’S names. KRUM’S FRIENDS appear to be seconds away from HIGH FIVES and MACHO BUTT SLAPPING.

HARRY
Something potentially dangerous is going on, and I’m not involved at all.
This is going to be the best year ever.

GOBLET OF FIRE
Oh, ugh. Something’s caught in my stem!


GOBLET spits out HARRY’S NAME.

DUMBLEDORE
WHAT THE #$@%#$*@#!

HARRY
Oh no. Hide me, guys.

HERMIONE
Harry, there is no place in the world you can hide right now. Dumbledore’s head
is about to erupt like a volcano, spew his brains all over the room and cover us
in a thick layer of ash.

ETERNAL FAME AND GLORY AND AN EARLY DEATH
Ahaha! Got you now, kiddo!


INT. THE HOGWARTS RELIQUARY

HARRY
I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!

DUMBLEDORE
You punk! You lying, cheating little punk! I am going to rip your head off!

AUDIENCE
Okay, who let Dumbledore’s evil twin out of the attic?

“MOODY”
He has to compete; he has no choice. It’s probably a clever Dark trap. Let me
elucidate on exactly how this will play out.

KARKAROFF
You’ve certainly put a lot of thought into this.

“MOODY”
That’s because I’ve had several months to…uh, you’re a Death Eater!

KARKAROFF
Oh, no fair bringing that up! You don’t see me mentioning your illicit
relationship with a basilisk, do you?

CROUCH
Regardless, Harry will compete because it is in The Rules. And we all know how I feel
about the sweet, sweet Rules that make our existence possible. Mmm, Rules.


INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE

MCGONAGALL
Look, we pretty much all know this is a trap for Potter.

DUMBLEDORE
Well, of course.

PROFESSOR SNAPE
I suggest we allow this to run its course. We will use Potter as bait and hope he dies…
I mean, hope it draws out his enemy.

DUMBLEDORE
Yes, that won’t have any unforeseen consequences.

MCGONAGALL
You two have lost your minds, haven’t you?

DUMBLEDORE
What? Oh, please. It’s not like that boy isn’t in serious danger every year.


INT. GRYFFINDOR TOWER BEDROOM

RON
Harry, I am going to go get a ladder so you can jump up my butt.

HARRY
What? Why?

RON
You knew I would want to put my life in certain peril too!

HARRY
No, I didn’t! I thought you were more sensible than that!

RON
You know I’m not!


INT. HOGWARTS RELIQUARY

RITA SKEETER
Hello, all. I’m sleazy, self-interested, sensational and oh-so-smarmy.

FLEUR
*through clenched teeth*
Zis woman is touching me. ‘ow do I make her stop?

RITA SKEETER
Ah, I can see it now. Byline on the front page. Lois Lane can eat my dust. Oh, Harry?
Might I have an interview in private? As a champion, of course. Not to exploit your
famous story and your incredible potential for pathos. Of course.

HARRY
Uh, I’m really not comfortable being alone with you in such close quarters.

RITA SKEETER
Oh, but it’s cozy; isn’t it, Harry?

HARRY
Are you hitting on me?

RITA SKEETER
Well, you’re used to spending time in broom closets under the stairs, aren’t you?

HARRY
How do you know about that?


RITA SKEETER only gets CREEPIER.

INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

HARRY finds RITA SKEETER’S ARTICLE on him.

RITA SKEETER (V.O.)
And I really think everyone should know what an intrepid reporter I am.

HARRY
If by intrepid you mean “stalkerish.”


HARRY throws the paper in the GENERAL DIRECTION of the fire.

SIRIUS (V.O.)
Hey, you missed.

HARRY
Oh, Sirius! Thanks for showing up for your cameo.


SIRIUS’S HEAD is on FIRE.

HARRY (cont.)
Is that painful?

SIRIUS
Nah, not by wizarding standards. It’s only a severe burning sensation. Anyway,
you should know Karkaroff was a Death Eater.

HARRY
Yeah, Moody’s been using him as a diversionary tactic. For some reason, every
time his tongue jumps out of his mouth, he points at Karkaroff, yells
“Death Eater!” and then runs away.

SIRIUS
Well, watch your back. And trust your friends.

RON (Off stage)
Hey, what’s going on?

SIRIUS
Why, it’s an object lesson! Come straight to our door!

HARRY
Piss off, Ron. You ruined the cameo.

RON
Whatever. I still hate you, and your scar, and your stupid hair, and your Quidditch,
and man, does it feel good to get all this off my chest.


EXT. THE LAKE

NEVILLE proves he is no longer comic relief by standing by HIS MAN.

HERMIONE
Hello, Harry. I am here to engage in a ridiculous game of Telephone. Ron would
like to tell you something, but he doesn’t have the balls.

RON
Hey!

HERMIONE
Well, you don’t. Ron would like to tell you Hagrid is looking for you, but the
Audience will think I said Hedwig.

HARRY
Well, you can tell Ron-

HERMIONE
Nothing! Don’t drag me into your pissing contest!

HARRY
Okay, Hermione is asserting herself again, which means it’s time for the
conversation to end.


EXT. THE DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FOREST

HARRY
Hagrid, I like you and all, but every time you drag me out here,
something horrible happens.

HAGRID
Well, this time there’s something special I need you to see. I also need
emotional support for my date.

MADAME MAXIME
’ello, ‘agrid. ‘ow are you on zis lovely evening?

HAGRID
Hommina, hommina.


HAGRID shows MADAME MAXIME and HARRY some giant boxes left over from JURASSIC PARK.

HAGRID
Dragons make me all tingly.

MADAME MAXIME
Can we get clozzer?

AUDIENCE
Why would you want to?

HAGRID
She wants to get closer to the dragons? Surely this is the woman for me. See ya, Harry.

HARRY
Yep. I am going to die.


EXT. HOGWARTS COURTYARD WHERE PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE IS JUST HANGING AROUND

AUDIENCE
Don’t any of you have classes or something?


OTHERS taunt HARRY.

HARRY
Fine, maybe I won’t save everyone from Voldemort this year.

RON
You will.

HARRY
I hate you.

RON
I hate you too.

HARRY
I hate you more.

RON
I hate you the mostest!


HARRY stalks off to find CEDRIC hanging around with more MOCKING PEOPLE.

HARRY
They’re going to kill us with dragons.

CEDRIC
Okay. Thank you. Now I feel like a total dick.


HARRY stalks around SOME MORE.

DRACO
I AM KING OF ALL I SURVEY!

HARRY
Draco, what are you doing in that tree?

DRACO
Oh, I was just talking to Cedric about the differences between perching in oak versus
plane trees. And speaking of which…nah nah nah nah! You suck!

HARRY
Doesn’t that one-dimensionality ever get old?

DRACO
Not at all.

HARRY
Whatever. I’m going to go talk to people with actual characterization now.

DRACO
Hey! Nobody calls me flat!

“MOODY”
You’re worse than flat. You’ve taken Neville’s place as comic relief!


“MOODY” turns DRACO into a FERRET.

“MOODY” (cont.)
Tell me, Crabbe and/or Goyle, is that a ferret in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Ahahaha, “ferret in your pants!” I kill me!

MCGONAGALL
What are you doing, Moody? Am I the only sane teacher left in this establishment?


MCGONAGALL rescues DRACO, much to the DISMAY of those who think he’s CUTER as a FERRET than as a HUMAN.

“MOODY”
C’mon, Harry. Let’s go to my office. Mind my electron microscope and my
Trunk of Foreshadowing. Now tell me about how you want to fight these
dragons. What are you good at?

HARRY
Actually, not that much, considering I’m the hero of this story.

“MOODY”
That’s just to make you Everymanish. But even you have strengths other than
your ability to attract completely incompetent antagonists.

HARRY
Well, I can fly well. But I’m not allowed to have a broom.

“MOODY”
Haven’t you learned any spells that could call a broom to you?

HARRY
I’m not sure. I don’t think I actually attend classes anymore.


INT. CHAMPIONS TENT – DAY OF THE FIRST TASK

WORST PRE-TEST JITTERS EVER.

HARRY
Must not panic. Must not panic. Must not break down and weep like a little girl in front
of the whole school. Must not get splattered all over school by dragon, and come back as
a ghost more pathetic than Moaning Myrtle.

HERMIONE (Off stage)
Psst. Harry!

HARRY
Oh, God. The tent wall is talking to me. The stress has finally scrambled my brain.


HERMIONE bursts into the tent.

HERMIONE
Oh no, you’re going to die!

RITA SKEETER
Why, what do we have here? Two young lovers in perfect Harmony?

HARRY AND HERMIONE
Oh, dammit.

KRUM
HACK!

RITA SKEETER
Oh, see if I don’t misspell your name in my next article!


DUMBLEDORE, CROUCH, KARKAROFF and MADAME MAXIME (with a totally new color of MANIC PANIC in her HAIR) bust in, preventing any further NAME CALLING.

DUMBLEDORE
All right, everybody. Time to…Hermione, how did you get past our security?

HERMIONE
What, the rope?

CROUCH
Everyone will be assigned a dragon from which to steal an egg. Harry gets the
most difficult dragon to fight because he is the hero and needs to have
the biggest accomplishments.

CEDRIC
So is there an outside chance of anyone but Harry winning this Tournament?

CROUCH
Absolutely not.

FILCH
Dumbledore gave me a cannon! This is the best Christmas EVER!


OTHER CHAMPIONS fight their DRAGONS with various UNKNOWN METHODS. HARRY sits around and tries not to PANIC.

DUMBLEDORE (Off stage)
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Harry Potter and
his amazing survival trick!


HARRY lets the DRAGON chase him from HIDING PLACE to HIDING PLACE for much longer than necessary.

AUDIENCE
Okay, Harry. Now would be a great time to call the broom. Sometime TODAY!

HARRY
Okay, Firebolt! Come to me so we can…well, fly in circles around its head.
Okay, maybe this strength doesn’t do me a lot of good as long the
dragon is hovering over that egg.


The DRAGON snaps its CHAIN.

DUMBLEDORE
Hmm, an unfettered dragon surrounded by under-prepared children. Maybe I
should have thought this out a little better.


LUCKILY, the DRAGON decides that the FAST-MOVING, DIFFICULT TO CATCH HARRY is better than the IDIOTS SCREAMING IN THE STANDS and chases HARRY out of the stadium and around the CASTLE.

FIRST TASK CROWD MEMBER #1
Okay, both the champion and the dragon have left the arena. Now what?

FIRST TASK CROWD MEMBER #2
Well, we could admire the lovely rocky crag setting. Someone put a lot of
work into it, after all.


DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL falls for the same TIME WASTING TRAP as PREVIOUS DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS and feels it necessary to add further DANGER to an ALREADY DANGEROUS situation.

HARRY
Seriously, why do I have to hang off the edge of the building? Was being chased
by a dragon not frightening enough for you? I am going to bank on the hope
that this dragon is dead stupid.

DRAGON
Hmm, a hole I cannot pass through. How ‘bout that?


DRAGON doesn’t even try to AVOID the BRIDGE. HARRY makes his way back to the RESTLESS CROWD.

HARRY
Um, hey, guys. I just wrecked the roof and pretty much destroyed a bridge.

FIRST TASK CROWD
Yay!

HARRY
Doesn’t anyone care?

DUMBLEDORE
Why do you think I installed all that superfluous architecture last year?


INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

PARTY!

HARRY
Okay, everyone: who wants some EASTER CANDY!

GRYFFINDORS
Yay!


HARRY opens his GOLDEN EGG to discover it does not contain DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE, but a recording of YOKO ONO.

RON
Dude, Harry. Turn that down.

HARRY
Are we not trading insults anymore?

RON
I love you, man.

HARRY
Me too.

HERMIONE
Oh, just kiss and make up already!


INT. GREAT HALL – BREAKFAST

HERMIONE
Oh, just look at the newspaper!

HARRY
Is Rita Skeeter being stalkerific again?

HERMIONE
No, today’s Sudoku is impossible!

HARRY
I’m just glad the three of us are together again.

RON
It wasn’t so bad. I mean, I got some character development and dignity. It’s nice
to finally have some dignity.


SUDDENLY, an OWL arrives with a PACKAGE to take it all AWAY.

RON (cont.)
Mum sent me a dress!

GINNY WEASLEY
No, Ron. You have to wear that to the Yule Ball.

HARRY, HERMIONE AND GINNY
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, Ron!


INT. DANCE HALL

MCGONAGALL
Children, we will soon be holding a school dance. Because nothing says teen angst like
not finding a date, and worrying about being stuck on the wall all night while one’s dress
is ruined by leaning against glitter and glue-covered paper star decorations, and “I
Wanna Know What Love Is” by Journey crackles over the cheap amplifiers.

HARRY
…Is this a girl thing?

MCGONAGALL (cont.)
Inside every girl is a secret swan…

RON
Inside every girl is an ill-tempered, violence-prone, dirty bird?

MCGONAGALL
Mr. Weasley, if you’re not going to listen to my speech, I will have to take even more
of your dignity away. Come up here and dance with me.


NEVILLE endears himself to every FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER by being the only boy who wants to DANCE.

INT. PEOPLE HOOK UP

HAGRID and MADAME MAXIME attempt to flirt and it’s CUTE.

AUDIENCE
*in David Attenborough voice*
Here we see the Hagrid attempting his courting dance with the first of his kind that’s he’s
ever seen. Notice how he stores food in his beard to lure in a potential mate.


MEANWHILE:

KRUM runs around in front of HERMIONE while followed by a GAGGLE of GOOSEGIRLS.

HERMIONE
Plebes.


MEANWHILE:

RON
Hey, Harry, look! Girls!

GIRLS
DENIED!


INT. GREAT HALL – STUDY HALL

SNAPE engages in some PHYSICAL COMEDY at the expense of RON and HARRY.

RON
I wish a girl would go to the dance with me.

HERMIONE
Well, you have to ASK them first.

RON
How about you, Hermione? Bet no one’s asked you.

HERMIONE
This would be why no one wants to go with you, Ron. And guess what? I have a date
and YOU will be forced to rely on Harry’s magnanimity!

RON
Wow, she has gotten bitchy.

HARRY
No, she’s assertive.


SNAPE smacks them.

HARRY
Okay, you do realize that you are undermining any credibility you might have
as a potential villain, right?


SNAPE retaliates by MESSING WITH THEIR HAIR!

LATER:

HARRY realizes that while his REAL ANGST quota is fine, his TEEN ANGST meter is on EMPTY. He gets REJECTED by CHO to compensate.

RON has even more of his DIGNITY taken away.

RON
And then the screenwriter said, “Now he must act like a fool in front of girls!
Ahahahah!” And then I DID! It was horrible, Harry. Like I was some kind of puppet!


HARRY sees the PATIL TWINS and realizes that this SITUATION has POTENTIAL. And NOT LIKE THAT. EW.

INT. GREAT HALL – YULE BALL

A BUNCH of TEENAGE GIRLS stand around before a GIANT OPEN DOOR, freezing their ASSES OFF to show off their DRESSES.

AUDIENCE
Ah, wizards are more like Muggles than they imagine.

RON
Well, I’ve been properly humiliated. Where’s Hermione? Maybe dissing her will
lift my spirits.

MCGONAGALL
Ron, go inside. Harry, you have to lead the dance. I need you to know that I will be
living vicariously through you, so don’t mess it up!


SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE shows up.

SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE
I like pink!


KRUM shows up and stares in AWED SILENCE at his date, SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE. Well, I guess it could be AWE. SILENCE, anyway.

RON is NOT AMUSED by KRUM and SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE.

RON
That twit stole my date!

PADMA PATIL
Krum stole Hermione?

RON
Er, yeah. That’s the ticket.

FLITWICK
I used to conduct the London Philharmonic, you know. Swish and flick!


BIG COORDINATED DANCE NUMBER!

HAGRID and MADAME MAXIME continue to be CUTE. So do NEVILLE and GINNY, amazingly ENOUGH.

FILCH
Mrs. Norris, would you like to dance?


RON and HARRY end up mistreating their DATES, even after all the work they, er, HARRY put into procuring them.

CUT TO: THE ROLLING STONES OF THE WIZARDING WORLD

The PATIL TWINS are still HANGING AROUND with MR. GRIM and MR. EMO.

AUDIENCE
Ladies, it’s not like this music requires partners. Just jump around in the crowd.


SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE expects RON to act like an ADULT.

SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMIONE
It’s all so magical!

RON
Oh, shut up!

SPARKLY PRINCESS HERMOINE
Well, don’t act jealous if you can’t work up the nerve to ask me yourself!

RON
I’m jealous?

HARRY
Nice. And three of us had just gotten back together.


MEANWHILE:

FLITWICK has gotten a little DRUNK.

FLITWICK
And now for the "1812 Overture"! Filch! Get the cannon!


GINNY and NEVILLE continue to be CUTE.

EXT. BRIDGE #48

HARRY
Didn’t I destroy this bridge?

HERMIONE
We have lots.

HARRY
Hermione, I don’t mind if you hang around with Krum. But what do you talk about?

HERMIONE
We don’t talk very much.

HARRY
Too busy making out?

HERMIONE
NO! We don’t talk because he only has two lines!

HARRY
Sooo…you don’t assert yourself with him?

HERMIONE
Harry, honestly.

CEDRIC
Hey, I hate to interrupt, but the Second Task is in a few days. I’m going to repay Harry’s
hint to me by giving him an incredibly vague hint.


INT. BATHROOM

HARRY
Okay, not exactly sure how taking the egg into the bathroom will make it sound like
anything other than bad nu-metal.

MOANING MYRTLE
Maybe you should try doing something bath related with it, hmm?
Holding it in the water, perhaps?

HARRY
Ah! Myrtle! Do you often hang out in boys' bathrooms?

MOANING MYRTLE
Why shouldn’t I? I may be dead, but I’m not…dead. Well, I still have needs anyway.

HARRY
You’re creepy.

MOANING MYRTLE
Yes. Going to try my suggestion?


HARRY discovers a POEM and figures out that it’s MERMISH.

HARRY
Okay, so I’m going to need to breathe underwater.

MOANING MYRTLE
Uh-huh. Now, how about a throwaway hint about Polyjuice Potion
before I snuggle up to you?

HARRY
Please stop.

MOANING MYRTLE
My actress is also 40 years old.

HARRY
Okay, REALLY creeped out now.


EXT. LIBRARY

HARRY
Quick! How do I breathe underwater?

HERMIONE
Harry, I don’t know everything. Just most things.

“MOODY”
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to steal your friends. Why doesn’t Neville, who just
happens to be here, help you pack up, Potter?

NEVILLE
“Happens to be here?” But you brought me-

“MOODY”
Hush up and help Harry find a way to breathe underwater.

NEVILLE
Oh! I know that! Gillyweed! This has been in no way manipulated!


EXT. SECOND TASK

HARRY
Thanks for the help, Neville. Better than Ron and Hermione who have disappeared
without a trace for no apparent reason.

DUMBLEDORE
Okay, Champions! Today you have to rescue your loved ones, whom we’ve sunk at the
bottom of the lake. That’s right, we’ve endangered people who haven’t even asked for it.


HARRY takes the GILLYWEED and promptly STAGGERS into the water.

NEVILLE
Oh my God, I killed Harry Potter!

SEAMUS AND DEAN
You bastard!


LUCKILY, HARRY is not dead, but turned into the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. He quickly finds RON, HERMIONE, CHO and the BEAUXBATONS TUMBLER.

MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH

HARRY
What was that?


MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH

HARRY
Oh, no. It’s the Jaws Theme!


MUSIC CUE: DAAH-NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH

KRUM-SHARK
Candygram!


KRUM-SHARK makes off with HERMIONE. CEDRIC also shows up.

CEDRIC
*mouthing*
My Seiko stopped!

HARRY
*mouthing back*
Well, you shouldn’t have worn it underwater!


FLEUR, however, gets grabbed by a HORROR MOVIE CLICHÉ.

HARRY
I can’t just leave the other girl here! Wizards have such messed up standards;
they might actually let her die.


HARRY saves other GIRL at the expense of his WINNING. JUDGES decide that NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE warrants SECOND PLACE anyway.

CEDRIC
So, Harry. Mine and Krum’s most important people were our girlfriends.
Your most important person is…Ron?

HARRY
Shut up! Fleur’s was her sister, and I don’t see you making inappropriate
cracks about that!


CROUCH descends on HARRY.

CROUCH
I know I’ve never talked to you before, Harry.

“MOODY”
That’s probably because you’re awkward and kind of creepy.

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF “MAD-EYE MOODY”
Ribbit!

CROUCH
I know that tongue!


EXT. DARK/FORBIDDEN/WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT NOW FOREST

HAGRID
Isn’t life grand, Harry?

HARRY
Yep. Four years later, and we’re all still tromping through the Dark Forest
whenever we feel like it.


HARRY trips on CROUCH’S DEAD BODY.

HARRY
Oh, for heaven’s- this is what I get for venturing outside and trying to enjoy life.


INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE

HARRY overhears what is PROBABLY supposed to PASS for a FUDGE-DUMBLEDORE argument.

DUMBLEDORE
Harry, I’m going to leave you alone in my office. Don’t mess around with my random
rotating devices, my phoenix or my Magical Backstory Basin.

MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN
Haaaarry. You know you want to snoop into things that aren’t your business.


HARRY falls into the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.

KARKAROFF is in a TORTURE DEVICE.

HARRY
Wow, wizards obviously have not signed on to the U.N.

KARKAROFF
I’m a Death Eater! I’ll give you names in exchange for freedom!
Snape was a Death Eater!

HARRY
No surprises there.

CROUCH
I’ve heard it all before, you traitorous worm. Go to your dungeon.

KARKAROFF
Your son was a Death Eater.


BARTY tries to SNEAK AWAY.

AUDIENCE
In a room full of Ministry officials? Yeah, subtle, Barty.

CROUCH
Order! Order! My giant stamp demands order!

BARTY
Yes, Father. I am a Death Eater! Don’t you wish you came to my
childhood Quidditch games now?

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!


HARRY gets yanked out of the MAGICAL BACKSTORY BASIN.

DUMBLEDORE
Hello, Harry. I bet you’d like me to explain why I keep a Christmas
tree star in my cabinet.

HARRY
Uhhh…what was that?

DUMBLEDORE
My memory which I pulled out of my head in the form of a silver string.

HARRY
Um, Dumbledore? Are you going to hurt me for messing with your stuff?

DUMBLEDORE
Not this time. But remember, Harry: I’m watching you.

AUDIENCE
Uh, so…dead body?


INT. HALLWAY

HARRY overhears KARKAROFF whining to SNAPE about his DARK MARK.

KARKAROFF
I mean, why did we put it on the forearm of all places? It’s pretty visible there!

SNAPE
Potter! Hold up! I just want to let you know that I’m on to your little potions ingredients
stealing ring. Try it again and I’ll use a truth telling potion on you. I know you’re
stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients.

HARRY
See, there’s a mention of that potion again! But what does it mean?

SNAPE
This story barely involves me, so I don’t care. Just go back to being inspiring…inspiring me to VOMIT!


SNAPE slams the door in HARRY’S FACE.

HARRY
Ow! My nose!


EXT. THE THIRD TASK

DUMBLEDORE
Okay, everyone! Please be quiet! Time for us to start! Quiet down…
EVERYONE SHUT UP!

THIRD TASK CROWD
*silence*

DUMBLEDORE
Am I imagining things or do I spend a lot of time asking people to shut up? Anyway, the
final task is a maze. In here you will find no monsters because we didn’t have the
budget to animate them. Now, this may sound dull, but be careful: this maze just might
turn you into someone totally evil.

FOUR CHAMPIONS
What?

DUMBLEDORE
Look, I’m just trying to suspense it up a bit.


HARRY and CEDRIC enter the maze. It’s PRETTY DARN CREEPY.

HARRY
Just keep repeating to yourself, Harry: I am not Elijah Wood. I am not Elijah Wood.


FLEUR panics and gets cursed by KRUM who is ENCHANTED. FLEUR gets EATEN by the HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW.

KRUM avoids HARRY, but attacks CEDRIC, which probably should WORRY HARRY about his FUTURE.

CEDRIC
Now, it’s down to you and me! Will you play the hero, or will you allow the
maze to EAT YOUR SOUL?

HARRY
Okay, all this sounds really stupid when we say it aloud. I will help you because
I would be rather unsympathetic if I didn’t.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW
Mmmmm, breakfast of champions!


HARRY and CEDRIC grab the TROPHY, though if it hadn’t been a PORTKEY, they probably would have been CRUSHED anyway.

AUDIENCE
Okay, what happens if no one wins?


EXT. GRAVEYARD

PORTKEY spits them out.

HARRY
Wizards seriously need to invent cars, or something that doesn’t hurt
like a bitch when you travel.

CEDRIC
Whoa. Check out this gravestone. Who would put that over their grave?


FLASHBACK:

SOME RIDDLE
Darling, you know what this family plot is missing?

SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE
A giant freaking Angel of Death?

SOME RIDDLE
Yes! Oh, darling, you know me so well. Kiss me!

SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE
Tomorrow, let’s go out and buy the largest, creepiest Angel of Death
tombstone we can find!


END FLASHBACK

HARRY
We have to get out of here.

CEDRIC
Why? You don’t want to hang around in a graveyard?

HARRY
No, it’s May! Time for Voldemort’s annual utter failure to kill me!


WORMTAIL and BABY VOLDEMORT appear.

BABY VOLDEMORT
None of that! I didn’t even try last year! Wormtail, kill that guy and
prepare for the spell!

CEDRIC
Ack.
*gets dead*


WORMTAIL pins HARRY and dumps BABY VOLDEMORT into a cauldron.

BABY VOLDEMORT
Gently, asshole!

WORMTAIL
Today, we are making fresh, braised Lord Voldemort. It’s very simple to make, actually.
It just requires you to kill or maim a few people. First we take the bones of the father.
Then we add a little wine. Next, we need the flesh of a moronic flunky and ARRRRGH.
T-time for a little more wine. Finally, blood from an unwilling enemy. That would be
you, Harry. Would you like some wine?


POOF! NEW AND IMPROVED LORD VOLDEMORT! ON SALE NOW!

LORD VOLDEMORT
Ahh, I have my body again. Now to buy some Rogaine.

WORMTAIL
Can I get some medical attention?

LORD VOLDEMORT
Not yet. I want to see if you’ll bleed to death. It’ll be fun.


LORD VOLDEMORT pages the DEATH EATERS.

LORD VOLDEMORT
I smell guilt. And honey-glazed ham. Which one of you was eating before you came
and didn’t bring me any? I haven’t eaten in over a decade!


DEATH EATERS mumble VAGUE EXCUSES.

HARRY
What? This is the group that terrorized and cleared out the entire World Cup camp?
There are only half a dozen of you!

LUCIUS
Well, demonic chanting is scary.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Boys, I’m disappointed. Why didn’t you look for me? I thought our relationship
meant more to you than that.

LUCIUS
My Lord, I am eternally loyal. I lick your boots.

LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m barefoot.

LUCIUS
Master, this mask is my true face. The rest is just a mask for the world.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Lucius, you are so full of shit. That’s why I like you. But just so you don’t all
just run away screaming, let me show that I reward loyalty. Wormtail, you
get a new hand. And some cheese. Good job.

WORMTAIL
Mmmm, Gouda.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Okay, guys. I sort of forgive you because I’d have to kill you all otherwise,
which would mean that I’d have to find a whole bunch of new followers. And
I simply don’t have that kind of time. For punishment, you all have to
listen to my soliloquy. Let’s start with this dead boy on the ground…

HARRY
You suck! Get off the stage!

LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh, Harry, calling attention to yourself again? Guess what? I can touch you now.


LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to MENACE, but mostly just looks SILLY.

LORD VOLDEMORT (cont.)
I’m not touching you! I’m not! Oh! Now I am!


HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT start YELLING.

HARRY
ARGH! What are you screaming about?

LORD VOLDEMORT
This really hurts my index finger!


LORD VOLDEMORT becomes BORED.

LORD VOLDEMORT (cont.)
I’m going to prove once and for all that there’s nothing special about you, Harry. We’re
going to duel. Bow to your partner. Bow to your corner. Now: promenade.


HARRY manages to NOT DIE for a while.

LORD VOLDEMORT
And now for my interpretive dance: “I flit about like a butterfly on
a sun dappled meadow.”

AUDIENCE
Seen it.

LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m going to kill you, Harry. Really this time. So come out and face me.

HARRY
What. Ever. Big man; killing a fourteen-year-old.


LORD VOLDEMORT attempts to kill HARRY while HARRY attempts to, um, DISARM HIM.

HARRY
It’s the only fighting spell I know!


LORD VOLDEMORT and HARRY’S WANDS recognize each other.

LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND
Oh my goodness! Cousin wand! Is that you?

HARRY’S WAND
Why, I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?

LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND
Oh, you know. I just got through a long retirement, but I’ll be back to killing and
maiming by the thousands before you know it. And yourself?

HARRY’S WAND
I was sitting in a box until a few years ago.

LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND
Ouch. So sorry.


HARRY and LORD VOLDEMORT get caught up in a SHINY GOLD WEB of WAND GOSSIP.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Don’t do anything! He’s mine!

DEATH EATERS
We don’t think there’s anything we could do.


GHOSTS fly out of LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND.

GHOST OF FRANK BRYCE
Welp, I’m a ghost. I couldn’t have looked after Chillingham Castle or
Old Soar Manor, could I?

GHOST OF CEDRIC
Harry, I would appreciate it if you would take my body with you when you escape,
and not let the Death Eaters do anything nasty with it.

HARRY
Like what?

GHOST OF CEDRIC
Let’s not find out.

GHOSTS OF LILY AND JAMES POTTER
Hi, son. We’re going to jump around in front of Voldemort so you can escape.

HARRY
My parents!

GHOST OF LILY
Yes, Harry. Focus, or you’ll be joining us.


GHOSTS surround LORD VOLDEMORT.

GHOSTS
Oooga-booga-booga!

HARRY
Thank goodness I established the existence of a summoning spell earlier.


HARRY grabs CEDRIC’S CORPSE and the PORTKEY and BOOKS IT.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh, that’s it. That brat is so dead now.

LUCIUS
You say that every year.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Shut up!


EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW

THIRD TASK CROWD MEMBER #1
Has anyone else noticed that these things aren’t really spectator sports?


POP! HARRY, DEAD CEDRIC and PORTKEY appear.

HARRY
Oh my God, it’s horrible! Voldemort and his six followers are back!

THIRD TASK CROWD
Yay, something happened!

DUMBLEDORE
Huh. I don’t think this was in the program for this evening.

HARRY
Look at my tears! They’re nearly real! Look, dammit!


PEOPLE start to figure out something is WRONG about five minutes after HARRY shows up CRYING HIS EYES OUT.

“MOODY”
You handle the crowd, Dumbledore. I’ll forcibly drag, um, I mean, escort
Harry to the castle.


INT. “MOODY’S” OFFICE

HARRY
Could you light a lamp or something? The atmosphere is killing me.

“MOODY”
Tell me about Voldemort, Harry. Is he dreamy?

HARRY
Uh, not really.

“MOODY”
I bet he’s a total hottie. I’ll get a poster of him for my ceiling. I bet it was inspiring
to see him dancing among the gravestones.

HARRY
I didn’t mention a graveyard.


“MOODY” falls for the OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

MOODY IN A TRUNK
You moron! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!


AT THIS POINT, HARRY starts to suspect something may be NOT QUITE RIGHT.

HARRY
I should be going. I have…a dentist appointment.


AUDIENCE discovers that “MOODY” cannot PLAN AHEAD for the life of him.

“MOODY”
My Polyjuice Potion has run out! I guess that means it’s time to reveal my evil plot!


DUMBLEDORE, SNAPE and MCGONAGALL bust in and “MOODY” transforms into SURPRISE! BARTY CROUCH. SNAPE pours VERITASERUM down his throat.

HARRY
Wow, that’s more than three drops.

SNAPE
My hand is shaking. Shut up.

DUMBLEDORE
Why, it’s Barty Crouch! He’s successfully impersonated one of my closest friends
for an entire school year without me noticing!

AUDIENCE
Yeah, way to go.

DUMBLEDORE
Well, Severus, now we know who’s been stealing your potions ingredients.

HARRY
Yeah. Not me.

SNAPE
Shut up, Potter.

THE SENTIENT TONGUE OF BARTY CROUCH
Hey, back to me! Who’s the evil mastermind in the room?

HARRY
Not you.

DUMBLEDORE
What have you been up to, Barty?

BARTY
There’s no need for exposition now that you’ve discovered I’ve been keeping real
Moody in a trunk. All other scheming has been cut.

DUMBLEDORE
Just as well. I don’t want to look at your tongue anymore.

BARTY
I’ll show you mine if you so me yours!

HARRY
Whoa! Fourteen-year-old in the room!

DUMBLEDORE
He means your cut.

SNAPE
Are we sure he’s even talking to Harry? I mean, I have…

DUMBLEDORE
Not now, Severus!

SNAPE
Okay, okay! Just don’t start hitting me!


INT. HOGWARTS GREAT HALL

DUMBLEDORE
We are here today to celebrate Cedric’s life, which I will do through a long speech about
responsibility and loyalty that will contain the moral of the story.


Toward the end of the speech, the CAMERAMAN decides to check out what’s going on in the CEILING.

DUMBLEDORE (cont.)
HEY! Don’t pan away while I’m talking! I’m DUMBLEDORE, bitch!


EXT. EVERYONE LEAVES

EVERYONE LEAVES and promises to STAY IN TOUCH, which no teenager has ever ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED.

HERMIONE
Everything is going to change now.

HARRY
Yup. I’m going to get more angsty and emotionally volatile, you are going to continue to
assert yourself all over the place, these movies are going to get even longer and darker,
and Ron…well, Ron will pretty much stay the same.

RON
Gee, thanks.

HARRY
Hey, if you want to get arrested for Caps Lock abuse, be my guest.

HERMIONE
Well, don’t scream yourself hoarse. We’ll be in touch.

DUMBLEDORE
No, you won’t.


LONG SHOT of the TRIO walking off into the ILL-LIT, EXTREMELY ANGSTY, and BIZARRELY PLOTTED FUTURE.
Tags: ,

HAHAHAHA I hated that movie but i love this <3 its pure genius and exactly how i thought the movie went.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed this despite the movie. Thank you very much!

HARRY opens his GOLDEN EGG to discover it does not contain DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE, but a recording of YOKO ONO.

Best. Line. Ever.

Aha, thank you. I saw the Golden Egg and all I could think was, "Mmmm, delicious chocolate center."

(Deleted comment)
You're welcome! And thank you for reading!

Dear lord, I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who noticed Dumbledore was completely OOC. I want to kill that director! (why'd Richard Harris have to die, whyyyyyyyyyyy~! *sobs*)
Loved it of course - have you ever tried doing a bred-box of the books?

My friends have said he was HBP'd in this movie.

Excellent work, as ever :-)

I laughed so much at this. Thank you for pointing out all the tiny insignificant plot errors that make the movies great.

"Mad-Eye Moody needs no car" and Angsty Neville are especially wonderful.

Icon love! "Let's put Book's skeleton front and center. He's our friend, we have to honor him."

Great, as always. "I'm Dumbledore, bitch!" so needs to be an icon!

Thank you! I hope Dumbledore doesn't find out I'm making fun of him. He might come after me.

Now how did I know you were going to mention the Sentient Tongue?

"CEDRIC DIGGORY drops out of a TREE."

...You have no idea how amusing that line is to me. A discussion with friends came up with...amusing ideas.

I loved the cooperation speech.

"Mad-Eye Moody needs no car."

...I am reminded of the king/pants thing with Boromir. "Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants."

"Don’t do it, Neville! He’s going to eat you!"

I just know I'm going to say that next time I watch the movie. Whether I want to or not, it's going to end up being said.

"You don’t see me mentioning your illicit relationship with a basilisk, do you?"

...wait, what?

"Whatever. I still hate you, and your scar, and your stupid hair, and your Quidditch, and man, does it feel good to get all this off my chest."

Heh. Reminds me of Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue. "Look, I don't care what you say. I have a severe inferiority complex and there's nothing you can do about it! I hate Harry! He's always stealing my thunder!" "It isn't his fault that you are a talentless hack."

"Draco, what are you doing in that tree?"

Again, reminded of the amusing conversation.

"NEVILLE endears himself to every FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER by being the only boy who wants to DANCE."

Oh, yes. I love Neville. I can't say that enough. I just love how cute he is in that dorky sort of way. ^_^

"Why shouldn’t I? I may be dead, but I’m not…dead. Well, I still have needs anyway."

Moaning Myrtle finds amusement in your discomfort...

"My actress is also 40 years old."

...The scene just went from funny to creepy. I was hoping you were joking, but I checked on IMDb...

"“Happens to be here?” But you brought me-"

Now, see, I don't have any comments, I just wanted to quote that because I enjoyed it. Thankfully, I'm not doing that with every line I like, or this would be much longer.

SOME RIDDLE: Darling, you know what this family plot is missing?
SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE: A giant freaking Angel of Death?
SOME RIDDLE: Yes! Oh, darling, you know me so well. Kiss me!
SOME RIDDLE’S WIFE: Tomorrow, let’s go out and buy the largest, creepiest Angel of Death tombstone we can find!

I cannot think of the words to describe how much that amuses me.

Ooh, interesting recipe. I'll have to try that sometime.

LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND: Oh my goodness! Cousin wand! Is that you?
HARRY’S WAND: Why, I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?
LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND: Oh, you know. I just got through a long retirement, but I’ll be back to killing and maiming by the thousands before you know it. And yourself?
HARRY’S WAND: I was sitting in a box until a few years ago.
LORD VOLDEMORT’S WAND: Ouch. So sorry.

You win at life.

How could I not mention the Sentient Tongue? It was freakin' everywhere, man.

About the illicit basilisk relationship...well, I figure Mad-Eye has to have something dark in his past and tried to think of the weirdest thing I could.

I had to check out imdb to find out how old Moaning Myrtle was. I had guessed 41, and it turns out I was nearly right. And then the creeped out-ness began.

Apparantly the Riddles have been eff-ed up for generations. See, he doesn't only get it from the Gaunts!

I WIN! Woo!

OMG YES! I haven't even read this yet, I just had to post dancing for joy because I'm sooooooo excited you got it up! *dances gleefully*

And now I must read. And comment again after I've read it to praise the Goddess (that's you) for writing this ^.^

and now that I have read that...wow. That was soooooooo funny, much better than the movie. I must say I spent half the movie complaining in a loud whisper how we're missing three plot points and at least five important characters that are necessary for the continuation of the series ^.^

FILCH
Dumbledore gave me a cannon! This is the best Christmas EVER!


FLITWICK
And now for the "1812 Overture"! Filch! Get the cannon!


Best lines ever!

And I have to admit, my favourite part in the movie was the library scene with Snape smacking the boys in the head. I mean, c'mon, yah, it was totally OOC but it was still pretty funny!

*worships* You have once again proven that you are a comic genius *grin*



Now I have to see the movie, most definitely. I could be wrong, but I thought I Want To Know What Love Is was sung by Foreigner.

Wait, Foreigner isn't Journey?

(Hee, don't worry, it was done on purpose. My friend and I have this joke that they're the same band, so it was an inside joke with her.)

HARRY
Just keep repeating to yourself, Harry: I am not Elijah Wood. I am not Elijah Wood.

Pssh, he WISHES he could act as well as him! BLOODY PEASANT! (holy grail quotes pop out of me once in a while) Daniel isn't half the actor Elijah is! >:O *slaps him*

Thanks for reminding me how horribly awful this movie was! I enjoyed your version thoroughly. Especially the part where Neville sings Evenescense. :3

Oh, I agree that Daniel is not nearly as good as Elijah is or even was at the same age. In the maze, though, with the blue lighting and fog, he looked an awful lot like Frodo in TTT.

I was trying to decide what horribly emo song Neville should be singing, so I pulled up the Evenescense lyrics page and went to town!

I love it. I gave it to two of my friends (one of them picked apart the little detail of a song...), who were both laughing. I did too, and I love your sense of humour.

MOODY: Tell me, Crabbe and/or Goyle, is that a ferret in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

Best line ever.

Well, if they were picking at the Journey/Foreigner problem, you can tell them it was on purpose. I stand by my theory that they're the same band.

Ferrets are always funny, but ferrets in pants are comedy GOLD.

*squeals delightedly*

You are, once again, my total hero. Mad love for you.

Thank you! I'm glad all you require from a hero is sarcasm and a computer!

ZOMG, new breadbox! *loves*

This needs to be iconised, like, yesterday,

Thank you! Glad you liked it!

I always do a little happy-dance when I see there's a new Breadbox, and you never fail to disappoint. :)

I'm also happy to see your Queen Susan rant made it into an icon! *loves it* It reminds me, yet again, that I really need to get a Narnia icon...

Thank you! I'm very glad you weren't disappointed.

Yay, Narnia! alory_shannon made the Queen Susan icon for me! Isn't it wonderful? Everyone should have Narnia icons.

Evadne, you are so now MY champion. < 3

...Oh, good God.

Is that...Darkwing Duck?

<3

HEHEHEHE! Brilliant!

FILCH
Dumbledore gave me a cannon! This is the best Christmas EVER!


LOL! That was my favorite line! :D

Great job! :-D

I don't know who had the bright idea of giving Filch a cannon, but I bet it was Dumbledore in one of his crazy moods.

Thank you!

Yeah...I have totally been hanging out for this since I saw the movie. *Cheers wildly and waves a teeny-weeny flag*

*Eats up breadbox in three gulps*

Oh, delicious. I would quote every line I thought was hilarious, but you may as well just read the whole thing. Although "SHINY GOLD WEB of WAND GOSSIP" and "HUNGRY HUNGRY HEDGEROW" are two that come immediately to mind.

And good to see someone drew attention to the incredibly inappropriate headstone. Seriously, who wants to be remembered from the image of giant winged and hooded skeleton with a scythe? And the tongue...the tongue...!

Now, excuse me, I have to go to the hospital to have my cracked ribs seen to.

Cheers!

Be careful to chew your BBE before swallowing.

That headstone was incredibly freaky, and since there were so many generations, I couldn't help but think that good ol' Tom there gets some of his, er, up-effed-ness from that side of the family too.

Thank you!

NEVILLE: oh my god! I've killed Harry Potter!
SEAMUS FINNIGAN: You bastard!


...South Park! XD I love you.

It seemed appropriate.

Thank you!

HARRY TO SNAPE:
"Okay, you do realize that you are undermining any credibility you might have as a potential villain, right?"

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And it's so very sadly true. Luckily, I can only think of Snape as comedy gold.

Thank you for reading!

Ron: Inside every girl is an ill-tempered, violence-prone, dirty bird?

I've been bitten by a swan. I fully enjoyed that line. Wand Gossip was hillarious. Hermoine asserts herself too much, and I think your icon is fantastic! The gracious hostess, trivia buff, regular flosser, whatever you want to call her, it's still a crappy title for royalty. Except Trivia Buff. Everyone loves trivia.

I maintain my position that swans are evil. Hermione is asserting herself left and right, and poor Ron suffers for it.

Isn't the icon wonderful? alory_shannon made it for me!

Harry yelling "You suck! Get off the stage!" at Voldemort is the best line, along with "Lucius, you are so full of shit. That’s why I like you."

Did you notice Harry writing "SIRIUS BLACK" on his letter to him in big letters? He's a fugitive! That was stupid.

Oh, Voldemort just keeps Lucius around to see what kind of shit he will come up with next. Why else would one keep an opportunist?

Harry, I have found, is not always the brightest of boys.

Thank you!

THANK YOU FOR THIS.

Shark!Krum: Candy-gram!

Best. Reference. Ever.

Loved the Sentient Tongue and "Mad-Eye Moody needs no car!" And Crouch's "HEIL!"

Hilarious as always!

Originally, I had Harry saying, "You're that shark, aren't you?" too, but I thought it was clumsy. I'm glad you liked the reference, that is probably one of the funniest SNL sketches.

Thank you!

This was really brilliant xD I really needed the laugh, and I've been looking forward to your breadbox of the movie since I saw GoF. Brilliant!

Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it.

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